I don’t blame people for avoiding dating apps as a way to meet people. It feels like putting yourself up at the store. It’s exhausting.
I always felt weird on dating apps, because it felt like a competition, and i’m the least competitive person on the planet.
Introducing: co-op dating.
You put 50 people in a pile and everybody votes who should date whom. You win if anyone leaves happy.
In dating apps you commodify yourself so that they can sell your profile to other users. It feels so incredibly fake that everyone has to market themselves with checklists of positive qualities and good looking photos and witty messages.
Combine that with marketing yourself for work and all of the subtle competition we have in society, and it’s the perfect recipe for burnout.
I weirdly like dating apps as if you don’t care about matches its like online people watching
dating apps are dogshit but discord and reddit aren’t terrible places to meet romantic/sexual partners (speaking as an autist who doesn’t socialize irl)
plot twist:
insert gay dating app here
Why do you think he would have better chances there?
because men would fuck a hole in a tree if it looks at them funny
Don’t be so dismissive about how sexy some trees are.
They don’t call em pussy willows for nothing.
Pussy willow so good it bout to make me hnnggg-
Point taken.
Man Here I can confirm.
Oh hey maybe lets buzz on over to Bumble, where women have to initiate the interaction!
Whats that?
That rarely ever happens and the business is imploding?
Quick! Do an ad campaign calling people nuns in a convent for not using our pay to win subscription service!
Wait, people didn’t like that?
Uh maybe we’re actually just an app for finding friends now, or something… sure yeah we’ll just pretend Discord and Instagram and Tiktok don’t exist, this’ll totally work.
Hrm uh ok, lets try uh… Grindr.
Closeted Republican, closeted Republican, another closeted Republican…
Fuck it.
Into the 4chan dating app, at least that one works about as well as you’d expect it to; openly deranged maniacs with no filter = low chance of being misled.
And there are no paywalls!
If you want to make a dating app that actually works, actually reliably produces what the user is looking for… you need to call out the user on their own bullshit. You need to actually tell them ‘your profile says you are looking for this, your actual history on this platform indicates otherwise’.
Well I mean… the datings apps know that, they just don’t tell you. They keep that info for themselves, and then leverage the difference between the gap there to keep you on the platform for as long as possible, by matching together people who are lying to each other and themselves in approximately the same way.
Bumble women initiating interactions: “hi”
Now do that on Tinder as a man and you’re bland and unimaginative. Try harder.
There are now actually ‘singles events’ in the US that are charging women to attend, but not men.
… I’ve always just been astounded by how one single filter nearly insantly removes my entire potential dating pool:
Does Not Want Kids.
Not ‘maybe wants kids’.
Knows they do not want kids.
I’ve never wanted kids. I am exceedingly confident that even if I did want kids, I could not provide them with what I would consider a good upbringing.
There are almost 0 people on any dating site or app that know they do not want kids.
… and I’m not like, an anti-natalist. I just know myself, and what I in particular want and can handle.
My problem with the kids thing is that I don’t feel strongly about it. If my partner wanted kids, sure, we could discuss it and I’d probably come around. If the partner was against it, I’d be just as happy.
And there are very few people, just like with the confidently not wanting kids aspect, that would be happy with that. The ‘maybe wants kids’ is always used as a ‘not right now’ thing, and they would get upset if you didn’t fit that.
Yes, exactly. You’ve got it at the end.
Tons of people use ‘Maybe’ to mean ‘Yes but later.’
And then there are also people like you, who would genuienly be fine either way.
These are two very different things, mashed all together.
Beyond me being just actually certain I don’t want kids…
The problem is that it is a useless category.
It throws people like you, are honest with themselves that they really have no preference… into the same category of people who do want want kids.
There’s an option for that. It’s ‘Wants Kids’.
The timeframe is a modifier of that.
But people either don’t know how grammar works, or are kind of lying to themselves, and then thus others, in describing themselves as ‘Maybe’.
No, no, those people are certain they want kids, they’re just not directly telling you that, in their profile selection.
It really wouldn’t be that hard to make a different set of answers to that question.
Literally just ‘Yes - Soon’ ‘Yes - Someday’ ‘No Preference’ and ‘No’.
But untill that is done… consider my possible strategies.
1 - Filter down to ‘Not Want Kids’
2 - Include ‘Maybe Want Kids’ and have to actually broach the topic. I’m sure that’ll always go great.
Strategy 2 is a waste of my time, as I’m perfectly fine just not having a permanent partner.
So then people like you get filtered by people like me, because the entire system is stupid.
So then people like you get filtered by people like me, because the entire system is stupid.
I mean, hey, I’m right here ;)
a/s/l lol?
I’m guessing that as we both use =D over 😃 this probably indicates we’re roughly the same age…
Hrm.
We at least appear to have fairly similar interests and tastes… for example, here’s my take on the fever dream original end of evangelion:
the take
Its primarily a gigantic 4th wall break, it isn’t really supposed to ‘make sense’, in universe.
Shinji is the hikikomori viewer and also basically the writer, pleading with the viewer / ‘realizing’ that life is totally full of bullshit, but basically everyone is full of bullshit, and it is better to accept your flaws, your pain, your failures, it is better to go out and try to have experiences and live a life, than it is to become a black hole of self pity and rob yourself of that.
The point of the end is to just literally tell the viewer to go actually touch grass, or maybe another actual person… to stop being obsessed with these characters, this story, and go live your own story.
It is thus insanely ironic that this story, that very much resonated (and still resonates) with a whole lot of basically socially rejected nerds… has been remade something like 2 and half times now, due to overwhelming popular demand, where the ending is different.
The original actual point has been subverted by something like a combination of the pressures of capitalism on both the writer and the viewers, and basically the overwhelming insecurity of the hiki nerds who cannot let go of this story and these characters.
… but uh, that’s a lot of unprompted blabbing on my part, so maybe… what does an ideal weekend look like for you?
Do you have a favorite kind of tea or coffee or other drink?
Sorry, I’ve been crippled for a while, and though I am physically recovering, my social skills have definitely degraded, hah!
I’m really old school, unfortunately, which means that I try everything in my power to not overshare details that could lead back to me. I’m about to make this a burned account, and only come back for the tuesday posts to the little community I want to see flourish.
That’s an interesting take on the evangelion ending. I generally avoid media that does fourth wall breaks unless it’s strictly a comedic thing in a comedic story. Maybe that’s why I just didn’t get it. I generally even roll my eyes at the unreliable narrator framing, if it’s from an ‘out of character’ type of narrator. Obviously a character isn’t going to have all-the-knowledge, so it’s not like they can be reliable in every sense, but if the entire book is framed as being from an unreliable narrator, then it just gets ridiculous, like a movie where the horror monster can make characters (and the audience) be completely tricked (so not just like an illusion, but where they’ve been standing staring at a wall thinking they’ve lived an entire life or something).
I don’t think I have an ideal weekend. I’ve got so many balls in the air that I couldn’t get it all in with a month of weekends. I’d want one that’s inside, with a new (to one or both or all of us) media and hot chocolate or sweet iced tea and delicious snacks and warm blankets and soft murmurs, while outside the forest is softly blanketed in a chilly mist while the drizzling rain patters on leaves, or the view of the beach at sunset lasts eternal so when we get up to refill the drinks we look out and see a rainbow of reds and oranges setting the silhouettes of trees blazing black against the sky’s fire. Or a weekend that ends at a peak or overlook with a chill breeze against flushed flesh, and the brilliant calls of loud songbirds below us in little hidden coves in the rock’s face, and nowhere to go and nothing pressing to do but watch the distant river’s whitecapped flow in the rapids. Or a lazy cruise in the small sailboat with a pirate flag for a sail (I love my sail, and it was the best silly purchase I’ve ever made) on the bay, and all that needs doing is finding a little sandy beach to pull up on and have a little bonfire that friends are there for. Or a fantastic new world awaiting us on a screen to be explored with whatever cool vehicle the game designers gave us, OR a fantastic old world that we want to revisit! Good books; a fancy new meal that we’ve never tried to cook before; an activity that may be silly but is fun to try; acting out parts in a play; seeing a play; deep, romantic sessions; hours with friends on a long-term, cooperative ttrpg or board game; figuring out a problem with the residence and coming up with (and pulling off) the perfect fix for it; >.> a night out at the local food, not bombs org.;
like… gosh. So many things that I would just be happy doing. I’m a really boring average westerner though: I like my coffee in a drink that could be classified as a dessert. I like my teas super bitter (yeeessssss, let that cup sit with the tea in it until it’s ice cold, and then heat it up again!!) or super sweet, and matcha is surprisingly good (I’ll fight the folks who don’t like the grit)!!! Matcha milk tea with the boba is the best! Slightly bitter with the slightly sweet, so good! Hot chocolate is my secret vice though. That stuff will put pounds on me like a farmer fattening up a pig for slaughter. I know the vegans are right, but culturally (and all the other typical excuses) make forgoing all meat difficult. Anyway.
I’m actually all about the colon eyes. I can’t stop trying new ones just to see if people can get what I mean. The kirby dance is still classic though:
(>o.o)> (^o.o^) <(o.o<) (^o.o^) (>o.o)>
the women i have met on apps are no different than the ones i met on the internet generally, or the ones I met in college or in real life.
It’s almost as if the issue is people themselves, not the tech.
at least in USA, we live in a culture that worships ourselves above all else, and that’s not a very good mindset for dating and relationships, or starting families.
The dating apps are definitely not optimized for user dating success.
That said, a lot of people self sabotage in their dating life. The apps aren’t going to put in a lot of effort to stop you from doing that.
dating apps cannot optimize dating dude. your entire premise is false.
stop buying into the techno evangelism that technology can solve human emotional and behavioral problems. it can’t.
I think their point was that dating apps do the opposite. They show you only a trickle of what you actually want, then barely or never show your profile with them, and spend a huge amount of time showing you ads and asking you to pay them to see all your likes.
They want you there as long as possible, and then they want you frustrated and desperate enough to just pay the ransom for the likes your profile already generated. They’re evil.
I’m not buying into techno evangelism. I’m saying that given a choice between a good faith effort to match users with compatible dates, and something else that will make money, they will almost always choose to make money. You can have success on the apps, but they’re not trying to get that success rate very high.
Furthermore, many problems people face in dating are present with or without apps. The behavioral and emotional provlems you allude to, I expect.
the apps don’t match people.
people match people. people chat, people go on the dates.
all the company does is allow you to create a profile and look at other profiles. the provide a platform.
your success on the app is a product of your attractiveness. most people aren’t attractive and their standards are way too high, so they fail. but that is their choice, not the dating apps.
nobody is getting matches or going on dates without their direct personal efforts. the companies do not do that for anyone. the issue is that people are lazy and entitled and won’t settle for realistic options. and that has nothing to do with apps, really. plenty of people had that attitude before apps existed, it’s just apps make them feel like should be able to find a perfect person when no such person exists.
and that is the paradox of choice. when you are presented to 1000s of options, you feel any one choice you make is not great. but if you are presented with 5 options, you are a lot more confident and attached to your choice was a good one.
all apps really do is exaggerating existing cognitive and emotional biases people already have, but the problem lies with the person holding that belief.
Saying “the apps don’t match people” and “the apps provide a platform [for matching]” is I guess technically true but disingenuous. You could say, like, libraries don’t give you books. You have to go and check it out yourself. Yeah, kind of, but people go there with a purpose the platform is (nominally) intended to fulfill.
your success on the app is a product of your attractiveness
I don’t know if that’s really true. I’m middling attractive and had a lot of success. There are a lot of factors.
I don’t think the sweeping generalizations about people are really helpful. Is this making you happy? Are you doing okay in your dating life?
I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.
the librarian isn’t picking the books for you dude. you can also go to other libraries. you have choices. nobody is forcing you to do anything.
your attractiveness is more than your looks, it’s more about your relative social status and your dating pool’s expectations. everyone who claims they ‘arent’ attractive but do well’ is usually extremely attractive. They live in a bubble.
I do well on apps. I’m classically handsome and I have a Harvard degree. But I don’t find people on apps, or IRL to be worth my time anymore. My patience for listening to people whine about how dissatisfied their lives are ended in 30s. When I date now it’s mostly them complaining, then me talking about how happy I am with my life, and them thinking I’m a huge asshole for not having ‘empathy’ for their struggles of not being able afford first class plane tickets on every vacation.
I already met all my possible partners in my town. Time to move to NY
You cannot afford to move to NY.
NYC isn’t cheap but sometimes you get what you pay for. But yeah, $2000/mo rent is probably eye popping for a lot of people. You save a lot by not having a car, though. Or roommates can also cut the cost.
… The economy has not been hiring anyone in substantial numbers for years, job growth has consistently been trailing just actual working age population growth.
The tech sector is massively laying people off, for the last few years.
If you’re gonna move to NY, that means you’re not very likely to find a well paying inperson job, or be able to keep your remote job.
Right now, Zillow lists 220 studio apartments under $2000 a month, in NYC.
City has a population of about 8.5 million people. Median household income is ~82k.
2000 x 3 x 12 = 72,000.
The median household in New York City only makes 10k a year more (before taxes) than what is the safe minimum to afford a studio apartment.
So uh yeah, yeah, you’re gonna need roommates.
And I’m sure it will just be easy to move to an entirely new city and just win the roommate lottery, find ones that are responsible, reliable, low drama.
In summary, moving to NYC in pursuit of its theoretical dating pool is a wonderful way to become homeless.
Plus, New Yorkers tend to be subtly hostile towards anyone who isn’t already up to speed with the pace of NYC culture.
They have certain social scripts and faux pas that are just different from other places, and if you don’t just intuitively pick up on them without a second thought then it makes you the asshole in their eyes.
“Laid-back,” “easy-going,” and “warm/friendly” are not words that describe the average New Yorker.
Moving to a new city without a financial plan is a dubious idea, yeah. Especially since the current economic situation is Bad.
Yeah, since mamdamis extra 2nd house tax I won’t be able to afford my 5th Sunday house there
I’m sorry, do you think that taxes on unoccupied homes… make homes… more expensive, overall?
You increase supply, which correspondingly lowers prices, by punishing homes that are mostly vacant, most of the time.
Oh and also the revenue from said tax can go toward things like making housing less expensive for the very poor, poor, and middle income folks.
Here, for you: /s
Ok, you definitely do not have the social skills to survive in NYC very long.
lmao
To New Yorkers, “social skills” means “New York social skills.”
They’re not used to the rest of the world where people aren’t all assholes to each other by default, so when they encounter someone who isn’t being a total asshole, they think that person is an asshole.
Strange place.
And you seem to be taking this conversation way too seriously. I aint gonna move to NY cuz I made a comment on a website. Yes, you are avidly aware of NYs issues but I wasn’t advocating for everyone to move there, I was just saying my town is small.
What you are doing is saying stupid shit and then not enjoying your stupid shit being called out as such.
You’ve likely exhausted your dating pool in your small town because you are an unlikeable asshole who just writes checks with his mouth that he can’t actually cash.
Maybe it’s because I was in my mid 20s but I remember tinder being insanely good for hooking up.
Now it’s dog shit. Everyone is using tiktok or instagram DMs now.
Nothing ever happens. He rests his case.
Oh, post about me. It’s nice to be represented
~10 years on dating sites this is me for sure. Except I never touched tinder, I want a site with profiles and more than just swipe. Plus I’m way too unattractive for swipe only apps lol
Is that the subway pedo guy Jared?
it’s chudjak which is weird to see here
Women: “What’s he building in there?”
If I could, I would. Unfortunately, I take my privacy seriously and I’m pretty sure one of these dating apps has already been breached. No use pretending they won’t all suffer the same fate. Oh well, at least they can star me for the reboot of 40-year-old virgin.
