I know this person that I have (what I consider to be) a very complicated history with. Without giving the whole boring story, I was into them in middle school, we dated a couple of times, had a falling out, reconnected, and have since fallen out again. That was over the course of almost 20 years now.

I would describe our dynamic in high school as unhealthy while also producing some of the happiest memories I’ve ever had. I never really stopped being into them, and I definitely made it weird more than a few times. But they always stuck around. At least that’s how I remember it. It’s far more likely that they were around when they needed someone to fawn over them, and I was always more than happy to oblige.

After high school, we took a very long break until they reached out to me and said they wanted to try to be friends again. And for a while, all was great. We were both in relationships and it felt like things could finally just be normal and I would have my best friend back. They got me a job and we worked together for a few years before I moved on.

It was harder to keep in touch from that point, but that always made sense to me just because it’s harder to keep up with adult friends. And we always hung out every few months and would text to catch up and stuff.

A few years ago, they got married. I was one of four or five friends they had at they and their husband had at their small courthouse ceremony. I remember feeling like something changed fundamentally that day, and I think that’s held true. It really just started to feel like they didn’t want to talk to me as much anymore. They changed their pronouns and didn’t tell me. We hung out maybe one time after that and then it all just kind of faded away.

I always told myself that “eh, it’s fine. We’ll pick it back up at some point in the future.” But it’s been like two years at this point. They asked me to share some photos of an old trip we took in high school with them, and my attempt at keeping the conversation going after that fell completely flat (granted, I’d forgotten to reply to them when they texted me months previously, so fair play I guess). That was when I realized things weren’t necessarily going to just pick back up where they left off.

A few months ago, I was on my way to meet my friends for dinner when I got a text from one of them saying “I’m pretty sure [friend] is at the table across from us.” My heart sank. I wanted to cancel. I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t panic, but it was a feeling akin to panic. I felt like I couldn’t face this person. So I walked into that restaurant, locked eyes with my table, and acted like I didn’t see that person. They were definitely able to see me, and after a few minutes they walked right on by me on their way out the door. I had some amount of plausible deniability that maybe I didn’t see them. They definitely saw me and chose not to engage. That was when it really felt like it was done.

For the last few years, I’ve convinced myself that this is all fine. People grow apart as they get older and interests change. Not to mention the fact that maybe even as an adult I’d made it too weird in the past and they just didn’t wanna talk to me anymore. I can’t really begrudge that decision, if I’m being honest. But truthfully? Every few months I’ll have a dream where I’m desperately trying to be friends with this person and they just have no interest. They ignore me or are outright mean to me. I don’t necessarily think that every dream has some sort of deep psychological component, but I always wake up feeling kinda drained and empty.

And as stupid as it sounds, the young, immature part of me can’t help but think “did they just lock someone down in marriage and realize that they’ll never need me to worship the ground they walk on again? Did they just get sick of me and toss me aside?” I don’t know. It probably isn’t that dramatic. But the fact remains that I’m sad about it, I guess, and I suppose this is the best place for me to put that out into the void.

Thanks for reading <3