I kinda just sat there depressed the whole time even though I should be happy. Food was good… I guess… still not good enough to stop the darkness that consumes my souls inside. I told my mom about it and she’s just like “think happy thoughts”… “I occasionally feel depressed too”… ugh she will never understand lol. She told me she loves me like at least 10+ times today… idk, I’m not exactly feeling it… I still feel the fear of being abandoned, of rejection, still fearful they’ll end up betraying me, rejecting me.

We went to a park to just kinda just chill out, take a walk… I kinda just reminicent of old times when we spend time together. Sadly I’m not a kid anymore… although I still kinda acted like a kid today… felt like a kid at heart… I still feel like my inner child is here with me, the flame of joy… sort of… but expectations are different now… future looks scary…

So she just asks me: "do you love us? (“us” as in both of them… dad was also with us)

So idk what to say… felt too vulnerable to open up…

So I just said “you’ll love me regardless, right?”

And she told me “of couse”

Why is this so awkward?

So calm just walking in the park today… like in the eye of the storm, the calm before shit happens again, chaos soon reigns again…

I feel mom will go “bipolar” mode again…

On the way back she mentioned something about inheritance and asked the “am I ready to act normal” question again, and I just feel worried again… sort of ruined the vibe I just had chillng out, walking in the park just earlier.

Just average Chinese Family dynamics… what the fuck

emotions on a rollarcoaster

speaking off I kinda wanna go on a rollarcoaster

probably less scary than family relations…

hows your day?

(Edit: Also I remember I was just sitting there… like people usually chat when at the restaurant, I literally could not find a common topic to talk to parents about… nothing too deep really, stuggling to hold a conversation, dad and mom kinda just did the most talking to each other, I didn’t have much to say, struggle to form complete sentences in Cantonese. Mom said a bunch of stuff I didn’t feel interested in, I think the depression in me was just on autopilot…

I wonder what my parent think of me… something like why is my son acting so strange nowadays? perhaps?

Idk… I feel like I’ll never ben understood, depression is unexplainable to them)

  • Stiffy@lemmy.world
    11·
    6 days ago

    Hey. I’m here for you, and I understand. Depression is scary and hard and confusing, and very hard to explain to somebody who “feels depressed sometimes”. Getting fresh air is really good at clearing your mind and helping you reset. Showering and drinking a glass of ice water also helps me. Try to find safe things to feel or put your hands in, because the sensory and touch are very important, and they help you ground yourself. If you don’t have any ideas, here’s some exercises you could do when you start feeling dysregulated or find yourself dissociating.

    • -Fill a medium bowl of rice and put your hands in. Notice how it feels, what the temperature of the rice is (You can heat it up for 15-20 seconds if you’d like) and what emotions you are feeling at the moment. I highly recommend that you record your feelings and thoughts in a journal, along with the day, time, weather, and what activity you were doing.

    • -Draw or write what you are feeling, what you hate, your trauma (if any), or a person you dislike. Find a safe place outside and clear it of leaves and twigs. Get a bowl or large cup of water beside you, just in case something goes wrong. Crumple the paper into a ball, and place it on the ground. Light it. From the safe distance, sit on the ground and close your eyes. Just listen to the sounds around you. Once you are done with this activity, pour water on the paper and cover it with a bowl, so no extra oxygen can get to the fire and potentially light it. (Op. Write in your journal during/after you’re done.)

    • -Paint or draw to music.

    • -Find 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.

    • -Bury your bare feet in fresh soil and pretend you are a tree. Imagine the things that happened to you (or your trauma) as storm clouds. Remember the time when the bad thing happened, and imagine that as a big storm. Imagine yourself now, as a tree, and raise your arms up like you are growing.

    Questions

    -Do you find yourself not wanting to do something you used to enjoy? -Do you feel like you want to do something but don’t know what to do? -Do you feel like you want to sleep all day, or feel more tired than normal? -Do you feel like you are somebody else and that what is happening to you isn’t real? -Do you feel numb and achy? -Do you find that things annoy you when it feels like they shouldn’t? -Do you find that you don’t feel as sexually active, or the opposite?

    You got this. I believe in you!