Hey all, hope everyone is doing well.
I’m curious if anyone out there has made a conscious decision to not date or be in a relationship anymore.
If so, what was your rationale? Do you feel it was the right decision? If you’re currently considering it, why?
I actively did not pursue relationships for about 7 years after a bad relationship to focus on myself and figure out who I was. One of the best decisions I ever made. Was definetley lonely at times, but you really learn to appreciate yourself and your own company, which many people never manage to do. Some people can never be alone. And it was important to learn to have relationships with people as people first and not as potential partners as default.
True taking the time to look inward is always a good thing. Glad it worked out for you and you have a better sense of who you are! It’s not an easy road to travel.
Good point on engaging people as people. It can be a safer first step than to assume a romantic angle from the beginning.
Having “done the time”, are you back to dating or was your journey a destination to being single?
Thank you so much for sharing!!
Of course! Not just as a saftey thing, but interacting with people not as a possible extension of my own life so to speak really changed my outlook.
It may seems kinda obvious on the surface, but so much of our lifes (at least in my experience) we’re trained to always be looking at people as potential partners and when you do that as a default its almost viewing people through a lens of “what can they do for me” and if they are the puzzle piece you’re looking for. When that happens you don’t really engage with people on a deeper level since you’re not approaching them as complex, complete, independant lifes outside of your own, but rather as a “character in your story”. And when society trains us to be that way it happens subconciously, even when you may not realize it.
It took time, but deprogramming that part of myself has helped me connect with people on so much of a more personal and respectful level. And in turn being able to do that made me someone more worth being around. Which eventually that did lead to my current long term relationship funny enough, and we plan to get married. Though we were friends for around 3 years before we started dating, and that has helped in its own way. Your partner should be your best friend after all, they’re the teammate you choose. So being someone worth being friends with helps a lot.
I’m happy to hear you’re doing well in a solid relationship! I wish you both many years of continued happiness!!
Your perspective and your journey are really interesting. Definitely something to consider personally.
While I’m inclined to make a conscious decision to be single, reflecting on how I perceive relationships is probably something worthwhile to do.
Again, thank you so much for the responses!!
I’ve always kinda sucked at relationships and honestly don’t need to be in one. I stopped trying years ago and basically have zero interest. I’m pretty weird, and I know my own red flags. If I were a used car I’d not even recommend a test drive in that death trap.
Seriously though, I needed to learn to be myself by myself. Now I know who I am, and finding anyone that would put up with my brand of crazy is a fool’s errend, so I’m not gonna put in work on a futile task like that.
I almost hate to laugh but your used car analogy is just to funny. Maybe because I can relate to a degree 🙂
There’s always the possibility that a fool may come your way!! One who understands your brand of crazy. I agree that active pursuit may not be the best thing but, not sure you should rule it out either.
Appreciate you sharing your perspective!!
Yeah, I stopped dating when I realized I don’t actually like women very much. Entering my sixth year of not even trying to find a woman and it’s going pretty well.
Well, that is a solid reason for not wanting to date or be in a relationship. Is there something specific you “don’t like”. While a fair statement, I also find that interesting… without any other context around it.
Well let’s start off with just basic things like hobbies and interests. Let’s LaForge this. Computer: run speed dating simulation three gamma. Add a typical bachelorette, approximately 35 years old, American, with a personality, hobbies and interests typical of her demographics. Run program. Alright, I’m going to go strike up a conversation with her about the heavy modular frame production line I built in Satisfactory, we’ll see how she responds. I bet I’ll respond similarly to listening her talk about the pointless knickknacks she bought at a thrift store or yoga class or whatever.
Like, you should enjoy sitting on the couch and watching TV with your partner, right? Okay, I’m about to binge watch Clickspring’s clockmaking playlist again. That’s three solid hours of a guy building a clock from scratch out of plate brass. He stops to build a custom wheel depthing tool. He experiments with different lapping plates for polishing the heads of screws, spoiler: Tin is better than MDF. Find me a woman that would actually enjoy watching this with me any more than I would enjoy watching some drag queen show with her.
I’ve got maybe 40 years left on this planet, I’ve reserved not a second for pretending to care about antiquing or pilates class, I’m sure there are few women on the planet who are interested in, say, hand plane sharpening. So why bother each other?
Beyond that, my “Never putting up with that again” list has grown quite long. Shit like being called “non-communicative” by little miss “If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m definitely not going to tell you.”
So…what’s there to like, exactly?
My dude… I’m not sure I have the right words to respond to your comment.
I feel bad for you and wish there was some way to change the situation. However, I don’t know what that is to help out.
If you don’t consider yourself “typical” based on your likes, hobbies, interests, etc. it’s going to be difficult to connect with a normie.
I still don’t think you should give up though. Sadly I don’t have any good advice either.
Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan that will 100% take care of it. I’m going to:
- feed my cat her breakfast
- build some nice furniture
- probably get rained on because it’s summer in North Carolina during the climate apocalypse and Trump fired all the meteorologists
- bake a pizza from scratch for dinner
- play a video game about process engineering
- feed my cat her dinner
- fall asleep listening to an astronomy podcast.
I think I’ve got it surrounded.
I think you have a solid plan!!
I hope the pizza is great, the furniture stable and comfortable, and your cat is happy 🙂
Rain and climate apocalypse not withstanding.
Never as a permanent intention, but yes. It took me until age 30ish to realize I’d never really learned to feel whole without a partner, so after that I intentionally took time between relationships to practice being a whole, yet single person.
That’s fair and understandable. When we’re young, we aren’t as smart or emotionally mature as we think we are.
Once we have that realization, I think life looks a little different.
I think your approach makes a lot of sense. Finding solace in solitude can be a powerful thing.
Thanks for the response and I’m super happy you found what worked for you!!