I feel so utterly and hopelessly lonely. It has been building for a while and I have taken some concrete steps to keep it from getting worse and connect to people. I asked my old group of friends for a virtual hangout to just catch up and boy that backfire. I ended up in tears last night after and I feel even worse. Nothing really bad happened. It was fine, it was pleasant but it felt so utterly hollow and I felt like I didn’t belong. it felt forced and fake and now I am all up in my feels about my friendships.

I have taken steps to make new connections and it’s been hard. I used to feel like it wasn’t this hard but now I feel as if maybe I have simply been tolerated by everyone and maybe my friendships aren’t as deep and strong as I thought.

Last time I as this lonely I was also so severely depressed (there were other factors to the depression as well) that it hurt my relationship with my partner now I am also anxious that this is a sign that I am headed back to the pit.