I did all the things. Transitioned. Quit opioids and cigarettes. Went back to school. Got discriminated against and persevered. Quit my last job because of anti LGBT policy and got my dream job.
Oh, and I did all that since 2020.
And it’s a nightmare. I’m isolated. No support, and I found out today my coworkers hate me and think I’m trash.
I don’t know what to do. Go back to school? It’s just going to be more of the same. In the last five years, I achieved more than I ever thought I could. And I’ve never been more alone or miserable than I am right now.
I’m tired of living in a world that doesn’t want me, that I’ll never be good enough for. My parents were right, I’m never going to be good enough.
So what’s the point?
There’s not so much that some stranger on the internet can say that you don’t already know.
Professional help to work through feelings of inadequacy might be useful if you can swing it. As I’m sure you’re aware you are probably holding yourself to expectations you wouldn’t dream of inflicting on others, someone/someone’s did that to you and it’ll take work to undo it.
Life has brutual periods, and softer ones. Nothing’s over till the end and there’s a lot of beautiful things even amongst all the hardship. I have found Albert Camus’s thoughts/absurdism in general useful for contextualising suffering and understanding why I want to continue personally, maybe you would too?
Existentialism, and Camus in particular have a lot of influence in my thought patterns. But to Camus, love was one of the central pillars of deriving meaning from nothingness.
And I don’t have that.
In fact, I have significantly less love than before.
I have people that say they care, and in the moment, they mean that. But at the end of the day, I don’t matter enough to check in on, unless I warn them.
I just thought for the first time in my life I would be celebrated and appreciated for who I am.
But the reality is, no matter how much they front or posture, the “normals” will never accept me.
I could offer them salvation on a silver platter, and still be met with disdain.
So, again, what’s the point? What’s the point in trying?
I can’t answer that for you, I see your pain and wish there was some magical incantation I could write down that would ease it but there isn’t.
I have gone through very lonely periods, and less lonely periods, and for now my wife, the dogs I’ve taken in, my sisters, and my niece are enough for me.
I don’t know what’s in your possible futures, all I can say is it’s probably less dire than the visions of doom and hopelessness that accompany moments of crisis.
Volunteering at animal sanctuaries can be a good way to get some low pressure social contact and physical affection (albeit from non humans) when there aren’t humans we can rely on.