I did all the things. Transitioned. Quit opioids and cigarettes. Went back to school. Got discriminated against and persevered. Quit my last job because of anti LGBT policy and got my dream job.

Oh, and I did all that since 2020.

And it’s a nightmare. I’m isolated. No support, and I found out today my coworkers hate me and think I’m trash.

I don’t know what to do. Go back to school? It’s just going to be more of the same. In the last five years, I achieved more than I ever thought I could. And I’ve never been more alone or miserable than I am right now.

I’m tired of living in a world that doesn’t want me, that I’ll never be good enough for. My parents were right, I’m never going to be good enough.

So what’s the point?

  • infinitevalence@discuss.onlineEnglish
    10·
    11 months ago

    So much to unpack here…

    First off your reason and point will be different than mine, and different than most other peoples. Truthfully you are the only person who can define what the point is for you.

    So… that said, it sucks because when you are depressed and struggling defining your own reason for being is very difficult. In the last year I have had a struggle with myself over my value, I have frequently felt like nothing I do is good enough for my co-workers, partner, or friends. I have felt like even when I get a win, its wiped off the table by a loss and the losses never get wiped from the table so they just keep building.

    So, I got a new therapist who specializes in trauma, because all trauma is trauma. Your body cannot tell the difference between a gun shot wound, and people talking harshly about you behind your back but within ear shot. It reacts the same, and releases the same chemicals. If your body is depressed, and hurting then that is where I would start. There are no degrees to trauma, and no ones trauma means more or hurts more because its all the same.

    You have clearly gone through some challenging times and have moved mountains to support yourself and who you are, and it sounds like you may have a few physical and emotional scars from that journey.

    For right now set aside the big question of what is the point, find someone to help you heal the scars, and then when you are centered and ready ask the question… I bet by then you will realize that you always knew the answer but you just could not hear it internally over all the pain and struggle.

    cis white male who is proud of you for reaching out even if its “just” on lemmy. Your friends and allies are out there, try to get help its worth it. If life was bingo my card would look like a winner (and it honestly is) but trauma is the same for everyone and mine is/was as real as yours is, and it had me in a similar place asking the same questions. Therapy and some chemical support have turned things around in the last 3 months, but its been a 40 year journey.

      • infinitevalence@discuss.onlineEnglish
        4·
        11 months ago

        You can do this, depression is a hole, it sucks, but it is NOT forever even for the clinically depressed like myself. CBT and Trauma specialization can go a very long way, take time, be mindful of yourself and focus on self care, you will find your way out.