we’ve been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter’s premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we’ve been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.

To over simplify, my mom and I’ve never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I’ve tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I’m talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she’ll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can’t tell if she’s scared of me or if she just doesn’t care.

This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I’m trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I’m not sure what to try next, I’d really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I’ve genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I’ve been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I’m kind of at a loss.

  • PixelProf@lemmy.ca
    1·
    1 year ago

    I’m not sure if it’s relevant here, but I’d recommend taking a look at the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I picked up the audiobook from my library and it really helped me understand myself, my development, and my parents a lot better and to have a healthier outlook on our relationship. I always understood my parents had their own baggage, but I didn’t realize the specifics I could be on the lookout for, the specific reactions I’d had that could be linked to it, and how to move forward.

    It could at least be a good start. Best of luck!

  • Bleeping Lobster@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    1 year ago

    You shouldn’t have to apologise for your behaviour as a child. You were a child, she was a parent. If anything your childhood behaviour is to some extent HER responsibility.

    From what you’ve said, it sounds as if you’re bending over backwards trying to repair your relationship while your mum is being stubborn & petty. If it were me, I’d make a final attempt to reach out and explicitly say that I am desperately trying to mend our relationship, but it seems as if she isn’t interested in doing that… and if that’s the case, can she just be upfront about it so you can both move on.