I’m not sure if anyone can relate to this, but I still wanted to get “my feelings out”, so to speak. I’m a psychology student from Germany who’s in a Erasmus+ year (basically an exchange year during university) in France. I think the topic of loneliness has accompanied me my whole life in one form of another, but right now I think it strikes extra hard. Generally speaking, I think I’m pretty socially competent - I have friends, a girlfriend, I’m member of a Nightline back in Germany. I know a good amount of people from uni, in Germany and France, and can have a nice smalltalk with them.
However, I don’t feel included in any specific group, here or back in Germany. I am not outright rejected, people are still nice when I e.g. sit down with them for a meal. I went to a bar with some fellow exchange students, or talked with them during lunch. But these activities drain a lot of energy from me, and I can’t go to the nice places where people bond as a group. I can’t go to parties or concerts, having lunch with other people already drains my social battery for the day. I hear them telling how they will go on a trip or a party, how they went to the city and had a nice time. Last time I was in the city I nearly had a meltdown when I got home.
It just feels really lonely, as if all the people around me have fun as a group and I stand at the edge of the party, watching them as they enjoy themselves. I could walk up to them and have a drink, but I still wouldn’t be part of the party, no matter what I really do or try, because I wouldn’t be able to get in the same “fun mood” as them. This feeling of not belonging holds on the entire day right now.
However, that doesn’t mean I’m not happy or I can’t do fun things; I absolutely can. I love it when I can sleep out and watch a nice movie, when I have a walk next to the river and listen to my podcast. I love exploring the city (with headphones!), or watching a dog play with a ball, playing PC or writing in my diary. There are nice things in my life, which I appreciate and value. However, all these things are things I do on my own or with another person. And whenever I’m in a group, I very strongly feel that I don’t really fit to the group, that they are different than me.
I already thought about joining up a group here, but my language barrier makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to do so. And with my fellow exchange students I don’t really fit in, for the reasons outlined above.
Overall, I just feel very lonely here. Like a little alien watching the others have fun, while I’m on my own somewhere different. Of course I still have fun, I do great things, but I do them on my own. I feel that I’m broken or wrong for not able to enjoy group things as much as others do, that some part of me which is supposed to function correctly doesn’t work.
I find that there can be two levels of suffering. There is the physical suffering like in your example of hunger. But there is also the mental suffering. Which would be the stories and emotions about it.
I have met homeless people who were hungry who were nevertheless happy despite that. While someone else might be focused on how their reality is wrong and unjust. It can be this mental resistance that doubles the suffering. Do what you can, but if something ever is beyond your control in the present moment it can be helpful to consider if the mental baggage is beneficial. Things will eventually change over time, that brings new opportunities.
The mental suffering can also be tied into your ego and sense of self. Like for example with cat calling. There are people out there who see it as validation and an ego boost because they value themselves as being desirable over all else. There are also people who see themselves as vulnerable who live in apprehension and don’t want to leave the house in fear of being cat called. Both extremes can be problematic but there are nearly infinite possibilities in between that you could find are a better fit for your goals and mental state. For example you could consider that it is not even about you. They may have issues and just seeing anyone like you triggers it.
The same exact circumstance often leads people to two very different ways of processing an event. The fact that this occurs throughout life means that you can reclaim power from an external locus of control to an internal locus of control. No longer would your mind be at the whims of everyone you interact with.
Sometimes I find that I still naturally just want to feel down about something bad that happened. Somehow having that sense of control that this is what I want to feel makes a huge difference.