this happens in a public park.
first time this happens to me afaik. I was just stretching with black leggings and a t-shirt. I noticed him 100 yards away walking around but always looking at me. Upon making eye contact he would look away but as soon as I turned to stretching, he’d look at me.
He started slowly approaching me and at one point stood at like 15 yards from me, but still separated by a fence. At that point I decided to cut my work out short and left avoiding eye contact.
I consider myself lucky because he didn’t follow me.
What scared me the most is he was bigger and taller than me.
If this ever happened to you, how did you react? How do I react next time this happens?
Lots of people giving advice here, but I’m not seeing the most important advice being emphasized.
Always trust your gut. Listen to that uneasy feeling and act on it.
We developed this intuition over millennia for a reason. Your subconscious will pick up on cues even if you consciously aren’t catching it.
Listen to that uneasy feeling and act on it.
Unless it’s about some other group of people than men.
Yes that moral imbalance also striked me when reading this. When grandma has a gut feeling towards brown people and talks about that, she’d be called a bigot here. But when it’s about men, the highest upvoted advice is to listen to the feeling of fear in your gut…
If people only listened to their gut all people from a different culture which similar but not same body language as well as people with a disability would be even more estranged than today.
What does your gut tell you about the guy in line at the tell who keeps his hand in his pockets and fiddling with something who then seem to panic a bit when someone tries to look him in the eyes? Is it a robber or an autistic person who don’t want to show his hand due to having a stim toy and have learned to not stim in public view?
Pulling out your gun and shooting the brown skinned dude going for a jog is a little bit different than packing it in and resolving to do yoga another day
I don’t know what gender you are, but you’ve just triggered my spidey-gut.
I don’t disagree with the advice to trust your gut, so I can’t blame you for doing the same thing.
I’m getting sexist racist homophobic anti trans vibes here. Should I trust my gut?
If what I’m saying even remotely resembles something your caricature of the “other” might say, then the only logical conclusion, of course, is that I must be exactly like them.
I’ll take that as a yes.
Oh no! A random person on the internet thinks I’m something I’m not. How can I ever recover from this.
I’m not sure there’s any other good reaction than the one you had.
Maybe he was just “checking you out” and being very untactful and impolite about it (i.e. he’s just awkward).
Maybe he was looking at something else near you … but probably not.
But also maybe, he’s not right in the head and was thinking about doing more than just looking…
My advice (as a guy) is either:
- Look for another person nearby (or a couple/group), voice your concern, and ask them to walk with you away from the situation.
- If that fails, just do your best to leave but stay situationally aware.
I’m also going to add, that “look for help thing” includes looking for random guys that weren’t creeping you out that might be walking by. I know there’s the whole stranger danger thing that most of us were raised with, but … most guys are not rapists. If you just look for a normal looking dude (or someone that really looks like they’ve got their shit together) and ask them… I’d say 9/10 they’d be more than happy to get you out of that situation.
We need to (as a society) normalize women letting guys know about problematic men.
I really love your advice and how you interact with the world.
My one piece of advice to you would be to keep sharing it and encouraging others down your path of being willing to help.
Unfortunately too many women have run into these situations, asked for help and were told they were over reacting and making problems. Next time it happens they hesitate to ask or dont bother. That’s not your fault, or anyone’s fault that is willing to help. Just trying point out why some women might not go for that option right away. Especially if they are unsure if the guy in question is threat or not.
Your attitude and willingness to help is refreshing though, and its a good reminder that there are people in the world willing to help so thanks for reminding me of that. Keep being awesome and a force of positivity in the world.
I want to absolutely support this advice, especially the last sentence. It’s quite hard for a guy that is aware of how they can be seen as threatening to offer help or stop a situation where someone is feeling threatened without making it worse. But asked to help? I’d drop what I was doing and offer some support if someone is feeling threatened right away. Most men are not creepy assholes that would rape you given the chance. On the contrary we hate those assholes too.
If you just look for a normal looking dude (or someone that really looks like they’ve got their shit together)
A bit of a weird but I think true add-on to this in 2024: look for the one dude (or lady) with arms full of ink (tattoos). A person who spends countless hours in a chair and thousands of dollars on their work is highly recognizable and identifiable, things a would-be creeper does not want. Even if maybe their work looks a little gang or biker, people know who they are and are not the scary ones in this park at this moment. $0.02
I would phrase that as “don’t count out people with tattoos.” There are definitely some people with tattoos that you still don’t want to talk to (100% agree in 2024 though, tattoos themselves do not mean someone’s a bad person and some of those folks are lovely) haha
If you have your phone with you, try and get a photo of him. It sucks that you had to cut short your workout. It may be that what you experienced as “staring”, he thought of as “looking” - men can be oblivious to how they are perceived - but that’s no excuse.
I remember this one guy telling a bunch of us how he’d “helped” a woman late one night, by walking behind her on a deserted street, “to see that no harm came to her”. Boy did we lay into him. In the end he understood that a) he had actually stalked this poor woman and b) next time he should cross the road so she had one less thing to worry about. What a dipshit.
So you know he had good intentions yet you’re still calling him a dipshit.
His lack of insight makes him a dipshit. Cishet, neurotypical, yet he was unable to see the situation from the woman’s point of view.
You canbe iinnocent and stupid, but these are not necessary good traits
No, but intentions matter. Autistic people are often socially awkward, blunt or clunky as well, but you wouldn’t call them a dipshit because of it, would you?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Consequences/results matter. Intentions do not. Following someone without proper consent is dipshit material, regardless of your Neuro designation.
First - great job!
Take some time to recognize that you did well, even without practicing beforehand. You realized something shady was going on and got yourself safely out of there. You took action when you needed it most.
Ok, now to your questions.
You always want to check around you:
- What are your exits? Can you get to your car?
- Are there other people around who can help you?
- Are there any other threats? (Is there another man coming up behind you?)
- Do you have cell service to call police?
Once you have those questions answered, you can decide what you want to do.
-Sometimes, the answer is to leave immediately.
-Sometimes, you can go hang out with other people at the park and pretend to know them. Just tell them you’re scared of the guy watching you, pretend laugh for a couple minutes with them, and hopefully he leaves. If he doesn’t, then you can still leave, but he “knows” you were just with “friends.” You can even ask them to walk with you to the exit.
-Sometimes, the answer is to call a taxi so the guy can’t see what car you get into, and come back later for your car.
-Sometimes (as long as there are other people in the park), the answer is to confront him (from a distance). “Why do you keep looking at me? It’s weird.” Or, “Stop looking at me.” Or, “Fuck off.”
If you’re a woman, this isn’t the last time you’ll have an encounter with a guy like this.
In the future, recommend going with a friend or a dog if you can. Or, try to meet up with a local yoga group at the park (or start one!).
Final note - you didn’t deserve this. You deserve to be safe doing any activity in any clothing in any area. I’m sorry that wasn’t your experience. Sending you hugs.
Edit: One other option I forgot - Situation permitting, get evidence. Take a picture and/or video as you walk away. Your priority is still your safety, but getting evidence is helpful too so that you can identify the person later on (and also back up your story when it’s questioned because #america).
She definitely doesn’t deserve this.
That being said, addressing him directly and with power, but calmly could be an option. Don’t do it alone, but approaching a little and saying “I’ve noticed you at least 5 separate times and it’s creeping me out, please stay away from me.”
He’ll most likely deny it or try to play it off, maybe even insult her, but standing her ground and saying “I don’t believe you, I’m only asking nicely this time, there’s no next time without the cops” and then walking away.
No insulting, no debating. It’s a notice.
And of course, actually follow through, you see him again then call the non-emergency line and make a report. He can lie all he wants, once somebody has 2 or 3 police reports to prove he keeps showing up where they are then they can get a TRO within days.
It’s not fair that she has to essentially make this her part time job, but it can be an effective option that doesn’t have the side effects of making her look or feel at fault.
It’s incredibly frustrating that the one being wronged has to keep their composure
I get that it’s not very fun to talk about, but I wish women would tell men about these constant risk assessments more often. We live in parallel worlds and it seems most men are completely fucking oblivious - even many of the mostly well meaning ones. And even when they’re told about it they might initially dismiss it as crazy talk.
Yes. Say it out loud.
I am almost 50 years old and understood for the first time this month that the reason my wife doesn’t like going out alone to explore new places is fear of men and not fear of getting lost etc.
For mumble-mumble years it has never occurred to me to wonder about this
Fart loudly? Idk.
So this answer might come off the wrong way. I wanna start by saying that the reality sucks, and I’m sorry it’s that way and we should all work to better it. That having been said…
A conventionally attractive woman in yoga pants doing yoga in public will catch eyes like a man wearing a speedo at a water park. It’s stupid, it sucks, but it is what it is. The best way to avoid it is unfortunately to not do it. Especially if that gawking is feeling like more than gawking, and you’re concerned for your safety.
If it’s typically sunny where you yoga, wear a mirror ball bodysuit. Anyone that stares will get an eye full of glorious sunbeams.
Alternatively, get a big, well-trained dog. The kind that will orbit you closely without a leash.
If I were a woman this is what I’d do. Great, loyal animal, that will give you peace of mind knowing they’ll keep the creeps away.
if he just watches, it’s harmless. maybe annoying for you, if you dislike being watched. you don’t know his intentions. maybe he was just getting closer to cheer or something.
also, wanting to have sex is on it’s own also harmless and natural. doesn’t mean he’s a rapist.
i think his actions do not necessarily call for a reaction. just, as you also felt uncomfortable, you did the right thing. it’s public space, so even if it’s rude, everyone can stare at whomever they want. you always risk being exposed to rude people when you do things in public. sometimes the best thing you can do is just leave. But if you’re not alone, you can call him out to find out more about his intentions. Maybe he’s chill and will change his behaviour once he’s aware it makes others feel uncomfortable or even threatened.
Matthew 5:27-30 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
theres something terribly gross about using the bible as a rape deterrent… ya know, considering all the condoned rape and murder by that ‘god’
god kills more humans than any other entity in that tome
Focus on your exercises and don’t get distracted by other people. If you can’t keep up your attention move to another place less crowded.
Ignoring predators, a good idea
