I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
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Twice I’ve had a plan. Twice life has intervened and prevented me from carrying out that plan (one of those times my daughter told her school counselor “something’s wrong with my dad”). You know what, I’m glad I didn’t manage to carry out my plans.
Life sometimes sucks, and my brain likes to tell me that I suck. When those two events coincide sometimes it’s difficult.
Please don’t remove yourself. You never know how you’re life will impact others in a positive way.
I want you to know that you’re not the only person who feels this way. Do with that what you will. I hope you find your peace.
I’m sorry you feel like this. I don’t know you, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I was depressed for a long time, too. Therapy helped. You’re right to think about the good things that may happen in the future, because there WILL be good things, just like there will be bad things. I don’t know the details of your situation, but I hope it gets better soon, and I hope you know that people care about you. I’m sure there are people in your life who love you and would miss you. And even if you can’t think of anyone who cares, here’s one internet stranger who does. Sending hugs to wherever you are tonight.
Good may happen to me but the good things require work I’m not capable of and bad things come free of charge and require you to actively get rid of them. It could be with maths, English, employment or education I’ve always been slower than everyone else. I love the thought of being loved so that keeps me sometimes but I feel like a steamroller in a car race with lamborghinis. I just want to give up.
Well, there are lots of places and road types Lamborghinis can’t go but other cars can ;)
We don’t always have to be first, be the best with everything. Especially school rewards a particular set of skills and neglects other talents.
We all have to make some money of course, and it’s best when we enjoy it. But even if it is just a job, there is more to life than that. Maybe you can enjoy painting. Or hiking. Or cooking. Or sports. It doesn’t even have to be competitive. Sometimes you can find people to enjoy hobbies or practice sports with just for the fun of it.
You can give love and be loved. Simply being kind to others can be rewarding as well. School rarely teaches us any of that.
Of course bad things happen. And we encounter bad people. But there are also good people out there to meet, friends to find, hobbies and interests to discover and explore.
We were given that chance and for all we know it might just be the only one. Don’t miss out on it.
I also feel much slower than the average person. While there’s a lot of people who seem to be able to navigate problems faster than me, there’s also a lot of people who can generate a lot of problems quicker than me, too. Slow people have that going on: when things are getting bad fast, it’s nice to have slow and steady people around.
Consider what you might tell someone who was slower than you. I know I’d be nicer to them than I tend to treat myself. I’d tell them that everyone matters. And I mean it. They see and experience the world in a unique way that matters.
For example, maybe they can see the bottlenecks and roadblocks in a system better than anyone else, because they are more impacted by / sensitive to it. That seems very valuable.
It may require a change in environment to be realized. To expand on your car race metaphor, maybe the problem is thinking it’s all a car race when somewhere out there, there’s something that needs to be steamrolled and a Lamborghini just won’t do.
All easier said than done, I know. The world now seems to love speed, but we’ll never know if we could have experienced being a fully self-actualized steamroller if we don’t try. Writing this for myself, too.
Just to chime in with my anecdotes: The more classes I took the more I found out that I would never be the first or best in any field. And being slow is not a bad thing.
I have never been fast because I spend a lot of time thinking about my next steps combined with a bit of overanalyzing and rumination (which I just learned is a bad thing?!).
Life can be tough, and even more for some people, this year has been a tough one I lost my grandmother and then a few months after my father. The first few months I was in a bubble just lived day by day, it has taken like 6 months to process it, and I know I’ll never be done with processing it.
Hang in there!
We don’t know each other, so my words don’t mean much, but I am really sorry you are feeling so down. It sounds like it’s pretty exhausting.
It’s nice to know somebody is thinking of me and it is. I just can’t put up with it anymore.
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, I’m just an internet stranger. I want to say two things though,
One, this internet stranger cares about you. A lot. I truly hope you get a better life and have a brighter future. I hope for your suffering to subside. I feel the same for every human, to be honest. I think we’re an amazing species, capable of great things (good and bad), with so much potential for good if only we had better lives. I believe badness comes from broken humans. If they weren’t as broken, their goodness will dominate. So, i care about you. I love you. And I’m sending you a virtual hug.
Second, i had a friend that killed themselves. Their death broke me for a while, and forever changed my perspective of other’s private lives, and their sufferings. I did know he was suffering. And I’m hoping now he at least gets to rest and not suffer anymore. I loved him and seeing him suffer was bad. But now I’m seeing the other people in his life suffering from his loss. I do wonder what if. What if his life did improve if he didn’t kill himself? What if that’s a selfish way of thinking and i should be happy he’s finally resting? What if his suffering just transferred to others and the sum total is just the same as before, but even more because his absence creates more? I don’t know. All i know is that i miss him and I’d give anything to go back in time, and just use it to spend more time with him. Help however i can. Regardless how he chooses to continue his life.
I know it probably doesn’t mean much but, this internet stranger loves you. I don’t have any answers, but when I get down I try to think about those that would want to see me fail and keep kicking for nothing else then to spite them.
Keep fighting til you find your path. Its not divinely marked or set forth, it’s forged by your two hands and carried on with your feet. You have yet to find your stride.
One thing I’ve learned about life is it fucking sucks, then it gets better then it sucks again. An ebb and flow. Things will get better. And the things you have endured during the past shitty times will help give you the strength to ride out and even possibly find joy in the new shit you have to wade through. We are all forged in the tempered shit of our own worst moments.
Everything in this world is temporary. Even your pain. Ride that shit out.
Be kind to yourself young one, the world can be cruel and you at least need yourself on your side.
Tried meds? SSRI’s eliminated my anxiety and set me straight. I still have suicidal thoughts but now it’s easy to just acknowledge them and they simply pass. I think suicide is a totally normal human thought on another note.
Well, not for health reasons
It does feel like that - the current times and news cycle have not done much to help. However, regardless of whether there’s a god out there or not, you have one life. Only one life to experience. Please live to the best of your abilities and when you can’t, it’s ok to just survive. Tomorrow could be a better day but you’d need to be around to find out.
I am sorry to read you feel this way. You’re not along in that. You weren’t designed for the greed, struggle, and hardships forced upon you by this society. None of us wage class people were, but some cope better.
I don’t have an answer, not even a suggestion on how to make it better. I keep going because I know my family and friends would be unhappy if I left. I think it would break my mom permanently and I can’t have that.
Get the pizza, have a cocktail, but perhaps seek out a friend to talk to about this. I feel your desperation. I hope you can find a meaningful solution.
Don’t do it cause it’s a pussy move.
Good shit will come and you’ll look back in that moment and think “huh good thing I didn’t”“Do it or else you’re a pussy”
Every fuck up ever.
mf assholes on the streets everywhere and you out here trynna up their numbers by eliminating yourself
How u know I’m not one?
ask yourself
