For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. Feeling a loss of agency and having to rely solely on external actors for progress is a very difficult spiral to get out of.

As to the antidepressant idea, I’m sure you’re aware that if it works, it will take weeks to manifest, after which success would mean dosage adjustments. I have the treatment-resistant sort and have gone through the full spectrum of SSRIs and SNRIs over the years … they just make me apathetic and depressed.