It’s only been two months since my husband and I left the U.S. and we’ve been settling in really nicely to our new life in the Netherlands. We went into this knowing that things would happen back home without us, both good and bad. A few weeks before we left, we learned that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby. My stepsister got married earlier this month. We anticipated missing holidays. We knew this would come with the territory.

Two weeks ago our dear friend became hospitalized from a chronic illness flaring up. It was hard to hear about but he kept us updated on things and he’s since been discharged and is doing well.

Two days ago my mother-in-law told us she was in the hospital, having felt tightness in her chest. My mother-in-law is unmarried and my husband has no siblings. We are her only family. A few years ago, she had moved from Washington to Arizona to be closer to us, so it hit her hard when we decided to leave, but a big part of our decision-making was that being in AZ, she wouldn’t be alone, she would have my family around too. She struggled a lot when we told her about our intentions to move, but she came around and has been really supportive and happy for us. But now she’s in the hospital. The family member who struggled the most emotionally with us leaving. The family member who doesn’t have a partner.

She relies (relied) on my husband so much and now he’s gone and she’s having a health emergency. My mom is awesome and has already visited with her and cancelled plans to go out of town so that she can help. And my MIL’s friend has flown in to help out too.

But yesterday the angiogram revealed 3 clogged arteries and my mother-in-law will need bypass surgery. They aren’t doing the surgery until after the holiday weekend, so she has to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital and on Monday she will have major surgery and need weeks of recovery and care and all the while my husband and I are here on the other side of the world. I feel powerless. I feel selfish. I can’t believe that such a huge health emergency is happening, let alone not two months after we left. I’m scared about the surgery and I’m worried about the recovery and I hate that we’re not there.

My MIL is staying positive and we’re doing daily video calls now. I bought some things on Amazon and shipped them to my mom’s house so she can take them to the hospital. I don’t know what else to do. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I feel ridiculous for doing this stupid move. Any worry I felt when my friend went into the hospital has been multiplied by 10,000. A few years ago my husband and I took a trip to Thailand and while we were gone my MIL’s dog died suddenly and it was hard not being there to support her and now here we are again, thousands of miles away.

I’m going to see if my husband can fly home for Christmas and I’ll stay here with the dogs. I feel so guilty for moving away.