I’m sorry for your loss my friend. You are absolutely right to cherish life, but at the same time your grief also has its place.

Pistache probably “deserves” (by lack of a better word) some tears for your time together, not all tears are bad.

So thank you for sharing and take care.

PS this one always seems to help me a bit, maybe it can do the same for you:

— Why do all things have a name? the little one asked the teacher.

There was a short silence - and the teacher answered:

What a beautiful question!

Your name was given to you by your parents.

Because you have a name, I can call you.

And when I call you, you can come to me.

And when you come, I can take hold of you.

And when we hold each other, I can let you go.

First: determine how much time you are able (and willing!) to invest, be realistic about it. Second: see if https://www.khanacademy.org/ provides the math level you have in mind and proceed at a steady weekly pace.

Try this one: https://redact.dev

“Lemmy” sounds great! 😎