Of course you can realistically ask that of an ex, especially after 7 years together and with how things ended. However, you can’t realistically expect them to agree.
I find it dubious, though, that she just straight up lost all care for him, despite how she handled this. For all we know, she has a lot to say to him as well. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in seeking closure.
First and foremost I want to say that I’m sorry your life has been upended in this way. My heart goes out to you. I imagine you’re in a bit of a state of shock, which is partially what led to you posting. While I have had a friend who went through something similar, I don’t think I have anything I could tell you about that situation that would really help you with yours. All I’ll say is that they were, with lots of time, able to get to a place where they feel like things were “normal” again for them. You are not alone. Perhaps there are online spaces with others that have gone through what you are now.
I know you said you weren’t sure if you were asking for advice, but I’d like to offer my 2 cents, if that’s okay. I think it would be prudent for you to talk to someone you can trust or with a professional. Someone with whom you can bare your soul and voice your feelings with. I also think it would be helpful for you and your SO to seek couples therapy together. I’m sure you both have a lot to say to each other and, from experience, having a safe place with a professional present makes for better ability to get everything out there and addressed. I’m sorry to say that this is just the beginning of a long journey.
I really wish I had more to give you than generic advice. I cannot imagine how you’re feeling after such a breakneck change. I wish you the best moving forward and I sincerely hope you can feel whole again soon.
I call my personal strategy the 3Ds: Distance, Distraction, and Description.
First, I distance myself from my crush. This includes exposure such as social media. I have, in the past, told my crush that I needed time to get over them before I can be in a place to interact with them again. The first time, I never really could and had to cut all contact. The second (and last) time it went well and we were able to continue our friendship for years until life distanced us. It’s all context-dependent, so you’ll have to decide for yourself if you still want to be friends. Otherwise, out of sight and out of mind.
Next, I distract myself. While I still spend time processing my emotions and disappointment, I make sure to do things I enjoy to take my mind off everything. I hang out with friends, play video games, read, watch movies, etc. If not, I will spend whatever idle time I have thinking about my crush, which can make it difficult to get over them.
Finally, description. This one sounds a little weird because I had to use a word to fit the 3D theme, but this one is all about processing. I write about my feelings or talk to my friends/a professional about it. Sometimes, I research other people’s experiences and reflect on how I relate. No matter the medium, I describe what I’m feeling or how I’m hurting. It releases some of that internal pressure I feel and sometimes gives me something I can analyze and understand about myself and my feelings.
Don’t know how much this helps you but everyone’s process is different. As long as you are exploring ways to move on and being mindful of what works and what doesn’t (for you), you’ll get there with time. Good luck and feel better soon my friend!
I personally think you’re in mourning. Love, whether it’s platonic or romantic, is a beautiful thing. Losing it, no matter the reason, is like losing a part of yourself. I think it’s clear to you and to everyone reading that you did the right thing by not ignoring your instincts. This truth does nothing to salve the pain of loss, however. I think you’re crossing the wires of responsibility to yourself and to her with the pain of this loss, hence the feeling heinous. You did what was right for both of you. Unfortunately, that meant leaving behind something beautiful. In the long run, this will prove to be the right move, albeit bittersweet. Process the pain but do so without the punishment!
Click the image such that it goes full screen. Once the image is in that state (no visible ui, etc.) then I am able to long press for copying/sharing. At least, for me this works.
Apologies then, bit of projection on my behalf, admittedly. That’s the crux of this format — I have neither enough context nor insight to your experiences to really give specific enough advice. All I can say with certainty is that your body is telling you something. It’s important to get to the reason (not that you’re not trying to, of course). That process looks different for everyone. Though it doesn’t work for me, writing in some form helps a lot of people gather their thoughts. Long walks are another one that works for people. You’re welcome for the comments, I hope you find clarity soon!
When I find myself saying “I” a lot in my explanations of the situation to someone else, I usually realize that whatever anxieties or hesitations I am experiencing are coming from within. What I mean by that is that it’s usually something of greater personal context than the (potential) relationship with the person I’m interested in. You go into that a little bit with your explanations of your experience and time since your last romance. Dig deeper into what is making you feel the way you’re feeling. It might turn out that he has nothing to do with it!
Other than that, I would say continue to see him. It sounds like enough of you is interested in him that it’s worth further pursuing. Your concerns of leading him on just show you care for his feelings. That’s a good sign imo. It’s okay to carry on when you’re unsure, as long as you maintain awareness of his perspective. If you do, you’ll better know the moment you’d really have to make a decision.
Forgive me for making assumptions about you, but your writing reads to me like someone with enough self-awareness to worry themselves into a box. Channel that self-awareness into self-reflection, trust your gut and your self, and I think you’ll be just fine. Regardless of whether it works out with this guy or not in the end. Rooting for ya!
I’m really happy to hear you have someone to talk to. Venting to internet strangers can for sure help, but can’t compare to real life friends who care about you and understand your situation much better. And that’s such a great way to think about the couples therapy proposal; that’s a perspective I didn’t even consider when writing my comment. No matter how you decide to move forward with all of this, I hope your heart heals well. Stay strong!