I am not religious and have no desire to start being now but sometimes I just want the community people get with church. I am craving connection with the community and feel it’s very healthy for families and neighbors as well. The United States is seriously lacking in third spaces and communities. It’s leading to a serious loneliness epidemic… Just wondering if there is anything that can fill that need for non-religious folks?
Hello and thank you for asking the question I have been waiting to answer.
I have been an atheist since I was eleven. At times, I have been viciously critical of organized religion. I have absolutely no tolerance for intolerance of people on the basis of skin colour, ability, or sexual orientation, identity, or preference.
My wife and I wanted to have a child, but we had no family and few friends in a new city. In any case, both my mother and mother-in-law have passed away. If our child was ever going to have much of a community, we knew we would have to build it.
Two years ago I started to go to church. I tried to pick carefully: I was not interested in hearing about how people are lowly sinners, that we need to be saved, that without big-G God we are all screwed, etc., etc. In my case, I settled on the United Church of Canada. I found a local ministry that had undertaken the process of becoming an Affirming Ministry - that is, a ministry that explicitly seeks to atone for past mistreatment of LGBTQ2S+ community members and explicitly welcomes their full participation. I sought this not because I am a member of that community, but because I consider it a sign of a genuine desire to be and do good on the part of the congregation. I am aware that the United Church was involved in residential schools and that the abuse of Indigenous People in such schools was horrible. The UC does not try to hide their involvement. They have apologized and are trying to make amends for the unforgivable things the church was party to - I think the effort to do better is sincere.
When I went to my first service, I was shaking. I brought a notepad and pen to write down all the awful stuff that I expected the Minister to say. People were friendly enough, but they didn’t know I was … an atheist. I thought that when they found out, they would chase me out with torches and pitchforks. I sat through the whole service waiting to hear the minister say something unforgivable so we could get up and leave.
So it’s been two years and this is how it is going: I am an openly atheist member of my church community. I don’t go every week, but I miss it when I don’t go. Everyone was friendly, from the beginning. Nothing changed when I told them I was an atheist. No one has EVER tried to convert me: not the minister, not anybody. Other members of the congregation believe different things than I believe, but we don’t get in each other’s faces about it.
Mostly, we sing and talk about what it means to be a good person. Then we eat biscuits and drink coffee and chat. Religion has never come up outside of service.
Our minister says that god is love - and I think she might mean it literally. Sometimes I genuinely believe that what we are celebrating is nothing more than the idea of people loving each other, caring for each other, and striving to build a better world. We don’t discuss sin or the afterlife. We welcome people of other faiths (and no faith) into our church.
A common theme at our church is the idea that Jesus has no hands but these (please imagine i am gesturing with my hands, and pointing at yours, etc). If the very mention of “Jesus” makes you cringe a little - I am right there with you. However, what I think they mean is that if people want to create a better world, we have to do the work. No one is coming to help us. Our church tries to do some of that good work: we sponsor refugees (currently a muslim family from Afghanistan who come to all the social events but rarely the service), we collect for the foodbank, do outreach to the elderly and disabled. We even organized a counter-protest when a hate group held a rally in our city. Church is a great way to find volunteer opportunities, if you are into that.
On the social side, our latest initiative is a games night. We also do movie screenings and play groups. We are trying to become, in some small way, a third place. You absolutely do NOT have to come to service to attend this events.
As for my family? They love it. It has become an important part of our social life. We know people in our community, and my son gets to meet all sorts - including our new friends who are elderly and disabled. I believe that a way to raise tolerant and empathic kids is to expose them to real diversity.
Not every church is like this, I know. The UC even has an atheist Minister (in Toronto, I believe) - that can’t be common. Maybe your town doesn’t have something like this. If you can’t find this, you could try the Secular Humanist Association. I used to go to their weekly meetings - they never said anything cringe, but they also never did much in the way of helping the community. Also, they don’t sing :(
Edit: i accidentally used a real name haha
Damn. Why cant every church be like this ? Why cant it be: be good to each other. I dont care if you believe in sky fairy or Buddha. But dont be an asshole.
End of sermon. There’s cookies out front and we are serving soup for anyone unhoused on Wednesday night. We would appreciate any volunteers. Be excellent to each other!
What do you call this denomination???
You could do Satanism but not actually worship Satan since he doesn’t exist either but rather, I believe it is the Satanic Temple(look it up). Their credo is really good, like treat people equally and with kindness, that sort of thing. I think they formed to sort if troll Christians. Like if Christians were able to put a nativity in the capital, the temple would also apply to put something in the capital.
Anyway, another idea would be to join a maker space, if you like to use your hands.
Personally, I’m into cars so I joined a club and I race on weekends and go to car shows. I think anything that puts you on contact with like minded people will help you meet people to make friends. Good luck.
I go to a music school where I practice with a band for 90 minutes every Sunday.
I also host “sauna sundays” at my house during the colder months.
My partner for awhile played mahjong with a group every weekend at the local furry coffee shop and taproom.
There are so many ways to church without church, and arguably they’re a hell of a lot better than religious indoctrination and reinforcement. Nobody needs that shit to love their neighbor.
Linux User Groups?
I assume OP means something not online-only…or are us Linux users supposed to go outside? I wasn’t aware.
If a hobby exists there’s probably a local group for it
Things like hiking, biking, gardening are the most common
Church seems to fill the hobby need and has some of the same core aspects
- common interest
- regular meet ups
- online and in person groups
Honestly replacement really could be as simple as finding a group that fits your hobbies (I’m in a writing group for example)
Alternatively volunteer, it checks a lot of the same boxes (sense of community, trying to make things better) with none of the religious bits (assuming you find an agnostic organization)
Church is definitely easier to keep managed than the other options. I thought I finally found a hobby group of people I enjoyed hanging out with, but after a couple weeks everyone just stopped talking to each other. We even have a Discord group and the last message was sent in mid-December.
I’ve also struggled to find much for volunteer work that gets me connected to people I’d want to be around. Seems like the only people doing volunteer stuff are people 10+ years younger than me, usually young girls, which just makes me feel uncomfortable being the only guy in his 30s.
Try a library if you want to do family activities.
Certainly the libraries are great answer for this. It doesn’t have any of the ceremony obviously, the tradition if that’s what you want from church. But the community aspects yeah all there. Support your local libraries. Go to your library board meetings
I’ve always preferred staring at the wall. It’s just like church except without the church
Just put some Kenny C in the background and it’ll feel like real church.
Why the fuck isnt he dead yet also??
Anyway.
Good friendships. Only make friends with those who want the best for you.
Boy I have been feeling this exact sentiment so much this week. We have a child, and there’s just nothing like church out there for families. Church is free (though they do expect a tithe) but the family activities are so plentiful. It’s like all the classes and small groups and stuff come with free childcare, including the Sunday service. Most all of the suggestions here are not kid friendly and i just don’t have the resources to pay for childcare once a week so I can do a fun activity, class, or club focused on adults. I already use my parents once a week so I can attend therapy and I feel bad enough about that to ask for anything more.
I did look up my local UU and they have a game night that includes childcare, but I’m going to have to attend services for a while before I trust anyone new with my child.
Honestly, libraries can be. Big, you can visit whenever, they have weekly events and a community that you can get to know.
EDIT: But that’s probably a profoundly obvious answer, sorry haha.
Hobbies. I do rock climbing and hiking so I show up consistently at the rock gym and make friends. I’ve found a hiking discord in my region and have friends that way now.
Highly recommend volunteer work, perhaps habitat for humanity? Volunteer organizations are typically very welcoming, and your surrounded by folks who are willing to give something back, instead of interested in your wallet.
Several of the local game shops have table space areas, and “game nights” open to newcomers. Euro-style table-top games and D&D / Pathfinder RPGs are usually casual.
