Idk how to describe it.

But like, I was scrolling yt and saw something about my little pony pop up and it made me realize that i would’ve loved mlp so much as a kid. I even remember in kindergarten when I was trying to play with mlp dolls and another kid came up to me and said “those are for girls.” [I’m not like blaming him for everything, it’s just struck me how long I’ve had that memory for]. I was always really insecure about watching “girl” shows and movies for so long that I actively felt uncomfortable when they were on.

Or just playing with dolls in general. I did like playing with cars and stuff as a kid but I think i would have really liked dolls too.

But like…I cant really do those now. At least not in the same way, yknow? I’m an adult and watching mlp is…not exactly mentally stimulating. At least that’s my impression.

  • EstreyaZR@lemmygrad.ml
    8·
    2 months ago

    I’d say I’m more angry at having to be denying myself for reasons that even today I don’t really understand. Growing up with this song and dance in a family that wants to mold their next generation to their image only taught me that I, as a being, and my thoughts, are never to be trusted. And since everyone else wanted something different from me, they can’t be right too.

    Thus, being trans (or living in conditions comparable to being trans) always meant to me to be ‘eternally wrong’. I think its not that uncommon of an experience in general, but growing up in a hostile environment as a literal child till adulthood, there are many, many things that I had to learn about me.

    I never truly knew what I would want to try out, never developed social interest for a long time, just starting after I got my HRT going. It felt as I was being held back surviving, thus never really developing.

    It is exactly that living, exploring and taking interest at the appropriate developmental stage which i mourn. I may have grown a lot over the years, but that feeling of not quite being part of society due to that different trajectory hasn’t really gone away.

    tl,dr; I think its quite comparable to cptsd, due to the alienation to ourselves in developmental stages many of us have to use to survive socially, and I definitely feel what you say. Kind of like a promise of a childhood never held.