I kinda just sat there depressed the whole time even though I should be happy. Food was good… I guess… still not good enough to stop the darkness that consumes my souls inside. I told my mom about it and she’s just like “think happy thoughts”… “I occasionally feel depressed too”… ugh she will never understand lol. She told me she loves me like at least 10+ times today… idk, I’m not exactly feeling it… I still feel the fear of being abandoned, of rejection, still fearful they’ll end up betraying me, rejecting me.
We went to a park to just kinda just chill out, take a walk… I kinda just reminicent of old times when we spend time together. Sadly I’m not a kid anymore… although I still kinda acted like a kid today… felt like a kid at heart… I still feel like my inner child is here with me, the flame of joy… sort of… but expectations are different now… future looks scary…
So she just asks me: "do you love us? (“us” as in both of them… dad was also with us)
So idk what to say… felt too vulnerable to open up…
So I just said “you’ll love me regardless, right?”
And she told me “of couse”
Why is this so awkward?
So calm just walking in the park today… like in the eye of the storm, the calm before shit happens again, chaos soon reigns again…
I feel mom will go “bipolar” mode again…
On the way back she mentioned something about inheritance and asked the “am I ready to act normal” question again, and I just feel worried again… sort of ruined the vibe I just had chillng out, walking in the park just earlier.
Just average Chinese Family dynamics… what the fuck
emotions on a rollarcoaster
speaking off I kinda wanna go on a rollarcoaster
probably less scary than family relations…
hows your day?
(Edit: Also I remember I was just sitting there… like people usually chat when at the restaurant, I literally could not find a common topic to talk to parents about… nothing too deep really, stuggling to hold a conversation, dad and mom kinda just did the most talking to each other, I didn’t have much to say, struggle to form complete sentences in Cantonese. Mom said a bunch of stuff I didn’t feel interested in, I think the depression in me was just on autopilot…
I wonder what my parent think of me… something like why is my son acting so strange nowadays? perhaps?
Idk… I feel like I’ll never ben understood, depression is unexplainable to them)
Which year is it now? Animal-wise, that is.
Horse
ITS MY YEAR I AM GONNA RUN AROUND LIKE A HORSE 🐎
oh shit I existed in this world for approx 24 years…
still haven’t achieved “success” yet… not even an "A"sian smh my head.
My mom mentioned that someone did XYZ at age 22…
Wow thanks mom, very helpful.
What next? “Mamdani is an immigrant JUST LIKE YOU, and he became a Mayor, why can’t you do the same?” (oh yea she already said that one) 🫠
“So mom, you want me to become president? 🤨”
“I was just mentioning it…” just out of the blue… not reason at all… totally not trying to covertly make me feel bad
Mom literally won’t be satisfied until I become the next Gary Locke
Why did you gimme depression, mom?
😭
I wonder how many votes I can get if I ran…
actually nah I have zero friends, zero networking
But it’d be funny to put “GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE FOR THE STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA” on a resume…
no ballot access
just a write in candidate
with two votes tabulated
🤣
I mean I can get a few “for shits and giggles” votes from Lemmy PA Residents probably
At 22 I had fallen far behind my peers in a failed attempt at adulting. That was the year I went back to school (so that I could later drop out one final time).
Don’t sweat it. I am utterly convinced that the ones who have their life figured out in their 20s are the same ones who forget to actually live their lives.
EDIT, just for the record: Doing pretty fine today. Took me a while, but I eventually landed a pretty comfy life.
She wants to say the sky’s the limit. It’s your depression that interprets it as “the sky’s the expectation.”
She would love you even if you were a worm. Asian moms just have an interesting way of showing love, usually best at acts of service, but sometimes they don’t deliver it correctly.
Have you been diagnosed? Routine, exercise, meditation, medication can all help treat different symptoms in different people. Sadly no one size fits all. For me, I have no shortage of happiness, but overwhelming hopelessness. So meds that increase my happiness don’t address my problem at all, and only expand the gap between how good I think I should feel and how bad I actually feel. Meds that quiet down the doubter in me stop me from spiralling down the wrong train of thought.
All this to say hang in there. I’m a horse too, we’ll experience so many more milestones before our next year of the horse. We’re much better people than we were 12 years ago, shaped by both ups and downs
Hey, I don’t normally comment on stuff but I do read your posts a lot! I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, can’t really just say to you that it gets better because there are good days and bad days. But exercise helps, changing to a new environment helps (new job or new gym or new meetup group), and just honestly being less harsh on yourself. Then you can try to connect again when you’re in a better headspace.
Btw, if it’s your year in zodiac, we call it 犯太歲 and it’s generally supposed to be a difficult year for you, so make the best decisions you can and wishing you (and all Horse people) the best~
No way, my parents told me its supposed to be a lucky year…
Maybe I misunderstood?
But again its just religion, its all made up so nothing is ever consistent xD