Do you need friends, as in you will die without them? No. They are not essential to life. But humans are social creatures and having someone in your life that you feel safe enough to open up to, who can share in your interests and hobbies and who can be there for you when you are not doing good, is an extremely good thing to have.
Like I can totally survive without my left arm but life is going to be a lot more difficult. Same kind of concept but with mental health.
If your left arm had cancer, or gangrene, removing it was what you needed to be healthy.
friends/family can be like that. The problem is people assume they are always good. they are not always. lots of people are caught it toxic/unhealthy dynamics and relationships that are making their lives objectively worse, but they refuse to end these relationships out of fear of being alone or their fear of being a ‘loser’ without any friends… when maybe their life would be objectively better without those people in it.
and just like removing your left arm, if you do it, they are not coming back, and even if you get a replacement prosthetic, it might be somewhat functional and nice to have, it’s not ever going to be a pale shadow of the original arm. your new friends will never ‘measure up’ to the old ones for various reasons, even if you do find new ones.
the problem is the presumption. people presume lots of things, that are not necessarily true for you. you presume that having people you can open up to, is always good. but it’s not always.
hell, you can have therapists who do more damage to you than you’d have done without therapy. there are shitty therapists out there. I had a few ‘therapy’ experiences in my youth that basically made everything worse, because the therapist took my emotions and magnified them back at me, rather than actually helping me process them. like when I was 21 I saw a college mental health councilor who tried to convince me I was suicidal, when I was just depressed.
personally, the happiness times in my life are the times I was the least social. and i often struggled more in life when I had ‘friends’ and ‘partners’ and other ‘supportive’ people… who were actively basically trying to sabotage me from pursuing my own happiness because they felt it was a threat to themselves.
Yes, you should cut toxic people out of your life. That doesn’t mean that every relationship on the planet is toxic and should be avoided. People who get amputation don’t just say “I didn’t even need that arm”. They get prosthetics, they go through physical therapy to try and adapt without the arm.
The difference here is unlike an arm, if a friendship doesn’t work out, you can make new friends. If you prefer being alone, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s a big difference between saying “I prefer to be alone” and “all relationships are bad and should be avoided”
A romantic partner is ideally also a friend. They can often handle both, but they’re just one friend and that’s putting a lot of weight on their shoulders. And things in life change. What happens if your romantic partner gets seriously ill and you can’t confide in them anymore? What if the romantic partner is the person you’re having issues with and you need an outside point of view? Not everything is so minimalist in real life. Good luck trying to keep it minimalist like you’re proposing, but life often has other ideas.
What if the romantic partner is the person you’re having issues with and you need an outside point of view?
Counselor or therapist? I’m not talking about my personal romantic issues with anyone else really. Friends aren’t qualified for that and it’s none of their business.
Recently found the first friends that i put that level of trust into and I can not explain how much it is way different than a therapist. Your partner holds a special place, but that also comes with alot of its own issues. For me there was alot of extra pressure purely because they are the one i care about the most. That hindered me from being as open as i wanted in certain situations and could not stay true to neither them nor myself. Having friends that you trust enough to do that with but where the stakes are “lower” makes that way easier. A therapist could do that but its usually way more time consuming, expensive and less fulfilling than having people that already know and thay respect you to whom you can open up and discuss with. It is also just way more “real”, heart-to-heart and human in a way a therapist can not be.
If you are going to limit yourself to what your romantic partner is interested in, I suppose it could work, but feels very confined.
I have many hobbies and interests not shared in full by any romantic partner I’ve ever had, though there have been some notable exceptions.
One woman I dated for many years rode motorcycles and snowboards.
Another shared my interest in Fromsoft video games.
I doubt anyone I would seriously date at 50 is going to share my passion for skateboarding, though I’d love to be proven wrong on that one.
I don’t have many close friends, and only two live within visiting distance. Most have spread across the country. We stay in touch with a phone call every month or two, catching up, sharing stories, discussing common interests. The ones in town I’ll see maybe once a month as well, for dinner, drinks, or a motorcycle ride.
They all bring ideas and experiences into my life I wouldn’t otherwise have, and by maintaining friendships with a wide variety in background and education, it keeps me from becoming too narrow minded or stunted.
Could I live my life without my friends? Sure. Would I want to? Absolutely not.
A romantic partner is one type of relationship often with the extra weight of that person being a romantic partner. A romantic partner ideally is a life partner you want to share the entirety of your life with. It’s a lot heavier than a friend.
A romantic partner is someone special who you will be spending the vast majority of your time with. Someone who you might star a family with.
A friend is less heavy, more casual. A friend is someone who you ideally can trust and talk to and who will support you and you them, but is not someone you are physically attracted to, or has an interest in being romantic with you or vice versa.
A healthy romantic partnership usually starts off as a friendship, and then over time turns into a romantic one. You can’t just meet a stranger and say "let’s spend our entire lives together, and have a family, and live together. At least not a romantic partnership you want to actually work.
Do you need friends, as in you will die without them? No. They are not essential to life. But humans are social creatures and having someone in your life that you feel safe enough to open up to, who can share in your interests and hobbies and who can be there for you when you are not doing good, is an extremely good thing to have.
Like I can totally survive without my left arm but life is going to be a lot more difficult. Same kind of concept but with mental health.
Yes, but that depends.
If your left arm had cancer, or gangrene, removing it was what you needed to be healthy.
friends/family can be like that. The problem is people assume they are always good. they are not always. lots of people are caught it toxic/unhealthy dynamics and relationships that are making their lives objectively worse, but they refuse to end these relationships out of fear of being alone or their fear of being a ‘loser’ without any friends… when maybe their life would be objectively better without those people in it.
and just like removing your left arm, if you do it, they are not coming back, and even if you get a replacement prosthetic, it might be somewhat functional and nice to have, it’s not ever going to be a pale shadow of the original arm. your new friends will never ‘measure up’ to the old ones for various reasons, even if you do find new ones.
the problem is the presumption. people presume lots of things, that are not necessarily true for you. you presume that having people you can open up to, is always good. but it’s not always.
hell, you can have therapists who do more damage to you than you’d have done without therapy. there are shitty therapists out there. I had a few ‘therapy’ experiences in my youth that basically made everything worse, because the therapist took my emotions and magnified them back at me, rather than actually helping me process them. like when I was 21 I saw a college mental health councilor who tried to convince me I was suicidal, when I was just depressed.
personally, the happiness times in my life are the times I was the least social. and i often struggled more in life when I had ‘friends’ and ‘partners’ and other ‘supportive’ people… who were actively basically trying to sabotage me from pursuing my own happiness because they felt it was a threat to themselves.
Yes, you should cut toxic people out of your life. That doesn’t mean that every relationship on the planet is toxic and should be avoided. People who get amputation don’t just say “I didn’t even need that arm”. They get prosthetics, they go through physical therapy to try and adapt without the arm.
The difference here is unlike an arm, if a friendship doesn’t work out, you can make new friends. If you prefer being alone, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s a big difference between saying “I prefer to be alone” and “all relationships are bad and should be avoided”
Yeah, for sure. But a lot of people don’t draw that level of distinction for any of this. Or are even aware of it.
Because the social shame around these things, is so intense. and the fear of being ‘alone’.
Wouldn’t that be covered by the romantic partner usually?
A romantic partner is ideally also a friend. They can often handle both, but they’re just one friend and that’s putting a lot of weight on their shoulders. And things in life change. What happens if your romantic partner gets seriously ill and you can’t confide in them anymore? What if the romantic partner is the person you’re having issues with and you need an outside point of view? Not everything is so minimalist in real life. Good luck trying to keep it minimalist like you’re proposing, but life often has other ideas.
Counselor or therapist? I’m not talking about my personal romantic issues with anyone else really. Friends aren’t qualified for that and it’s none of their business.
Recently found the first friends that i put that level of trust into and I can not explain how much it is way different than a therapist. Your partner holds a special place, but that also comes with alot of its own issues. For me there was alot of extra pressure purely because they are the one i care about the most. That hindered me from being as open as i wanted in certain situations and could not stay true to neither them nor myself. Having friends that you trust enough to do that with but where the stakes are “lower” makes that way easier. A therapist could do that but its usually way more time consuming, expensive and less fulfilling than having people that already know and thay respect you to whom you can open up and discuss with. It is also just way more “real”, heart-to-heart and human in a way a therapist can not be.
If you are going to limit yourself to what your romantic partner is interested in, I suppose it could work, but feels very confined.
I have many hobbies and interests not shared in full by any romantic partner I’ve ever had, though there have been some notable exceptions.
One woman I dated for many years rode motorcycles and snowboards.
Another shared my interest in Fromsoft video games.
I doubt anyone I would seriously date at 50 is going to share my passion for skateboarding, though I’d love to be proven wrong on that one.
I don’t have many close friends, and only two live within visiting distance. Most have spread across the country. We stay in touch with a phone call every month or two, catching up, sharing stories, discussing common interests. The ones in town I’ll see maybe once a month as well, for dinner, drinks, or a motorcycle ride.
They all bring ideas and experiences into my life I wouldn’t otherwise have, and by maintaining friendships with a wide variety in background and education, it keeps me from becoming too narrow minded or stunted.
Could I live my life without my friends? Sure. Would I want to? Absolutely not.
A romantic partner is one type of relationship often with the extra weight of that person being a romantic partner. A romantic partner ideally is a life partner you want to share the entirety of your life with. It’s a lot heavier than a friend.
A romantic partner is someone special who you will be spending the vast majority of your time with. Someone who you might star a family with.
A friend is less heavy, more casual. A friend is someone who you ideally can trust and talk to and who will support you and you them, but is not someone you are physically attracted to, or has an interest in being romantic with you or vice versa.
A healthy romantic partnership usually starts off as a friendship, and then over time turns into a romantic one. You can’t just meet a stranger and say "let’s spend our entire lives together, and have a family, and live together. At least not a romantic partnership you want to actually work.