I don’t know who they will get to write or direct this movie, but they have to cast Jack Quaid as the titular hero.

This is the best summary I could come up with:

Leeds Bass Pro Shops, hold Connor Padgett’s beer.

The partygoer’s expletive-laden screams after getting stuck in a decorative urn during New Year’s Eve in Mountain Brook is the latest viral video out of Alabama.

“Call the fire department to break this m-----f-----,” Padgett screams as onlookers offer words of encouragement in a video posted by Twitter user Kristi Yamaguccimane that has amassed 13 million views and counting.

The X account (once called Twitter) of Casual Thursday said they were at the Mountain Brook party, gave a play-by-play of Padgett’s ordeal:

Padgett’s sticky situation went viral days after a man stripped naked and jumped into the Leeds Bass Pro Shops aquarium before knocking himself unconscious on Friday.

He continued to shout something to officers before he climbed over the side of the aquarium and dropped to the concrete floor below, appearing to have been knocked out by the fall.

The original article contains 500 words, the summary contains 148 words. Saved 70%. I’m a bot and I’m open source!

Give him a stick and tell him to get over it.