- cross-posted to:
- technology@beehaw.org
- cross-posted to:
- technology@beehaw.org
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Maybe if they weren’t all about making money off loneliness they might be doing a bit better.
The dating app kinda reminds me of gambling. Gambling is selling the hope of being rich. Dating apps are selling the hope of finding a partner.
Grindr is the ultimate gamble, hahah I was telling me wife my blocklist grows every day. I had a guy solicit me for dirty socks, didn’t even want to buy them just wanted to trade one dirty sock for three clean ones… I had another guy call me an asshole for not responding to them. Not to mention the people who don’t read profiles.
They just throw quarters into the machine and hope one of their bets pays off.
Yesterday, I matched with 12 men. Only two messaged me.
Lmao she should have tried running an account for an average looking man
“Yesterday, I swiped on 1000 women. I got one match. She removed me. An above average day”
- why I’m not on tinder anymore.
Have you tried being 6’7"
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Point A) I’ve tried less frequent “yes” swipes and overall match rate was about the same.
Point B) calling people “low value” sounds like disgusting incel-speech and I think we should all avoid it and embrace the different qualities and virtues we all have.
Everything I’ve watched or read online seems to indicate that dating apps suck for an overwhelming majority of people so good riddance?
What I can’t figure out is what comes next. Singles events (at a bar for ex)? Meet up type events where your doing something with other single people? Friends try to set you up with someone?
I’ve been married for 10 plus years so I have no skin in the game but it’s an interesting topic to me.
My current strategy is to die alone
I’ve been married for a long time too and we met on the greatest dating website of all time: Craigslist Personals.
You entered your gender, age, a written segment, and an optional photo. No algorithm, no matching. Everything written was searchable and published via RSS. All communication went through email. No app, no subscription, and the only ads were sex workers.
In the context of this article, it forced the user to engage by reading people’s blurbs instead of just swiping for brain chemicals like Candy Crush. You felt like you were talking the other humans and the website was just where you went to meet them.
If such a site were recreated today, users would want to run the RSS feed through a slop rejection filter.
Craigslist casual encounters was wild. IYKYK
It was what Tinder always advertised itself as but never quite became 😂
lol I loved reading them, never replied to any.
Yeah Craigslist seem way more organic than any of today’s apps.
From my social circle at least college seems to be by far the most popular place where couples met eachother. Nearly every couple we knew in college is still together almost a decade later. It’s followed by Hinge, but we only know two couples who met there. We also know two couples who met on discord, so that’s also definitely a good option if you’re already into some hobby which isn’t heavily dominated by one gender.
I think the plan is to start approaching people at the grocery store or attending interest based clubs/ meetups, oh and just being single.
Oof, approaching in public is stressssful. Interest based clubs/meetups seems like a solid strategy to me.
Absolutely agree! Unfortunately for myself, I live in a medium size city that doesn’t seem to have much of anything going on. About the only interest based activities available that I am not interested in is volunteering at the animal shelter. I don’t think my heart can handle that and I’d end up with 10 more cats lol
Haven’t tried it myself yet but maybe someday if someone catches my eye and seems like they might be interested
Well good luck!
Or a fediverse alternative…
Nah to many dicks
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I’ve personally had luck with dating subreddits like r4r.
I’m too introverted for irl dating so it was the only remaining option for me.
Found my current girlfriend there and I couldn’t be any happier.
My strategy is that I gave up on dating. I don’t have time for it. Dating apps were the only thing that made sense for me and I haven’t been on those in years. Years ago 90% of women’s profiles were scammers or OF models. I can’t imagine what it’s like now. I’ve already been married, divorced, and have kids. I make decent money, but how am I even supposed to be able to afford to date with pricing for everything being insane? I wouldn’t be surprised to find out a lot of people are just not bothering trying and focusing on the rest of life.
I did the same thing, moved to the other end of the country and just focused on myself for a while. Two jobs and a move to the south east and go figure I’m now married again despite swearing it off. I met her at a shitty job. Have a blast being single and doing all the things you forgot you liked.
I wonder why someone downvoted your comment.
Yeah, if I were suddenly single again, I’d be like, eh, I’m good. I know a few single women, so who knows there, but beyond that I’d just be like, yeaahhhhhh I’m just gonna keep living.
One of life’s mysteries. Maybe not having an interest in continuing to date for time and financial reasons is controversial to some.
Yeah dating can be a hassle and if someone is ok with being single then why not? There’s not as much social pressunre to be in relationships as in the past.
it’s not because there isn’t a desperate need. it’s that they are predatory and make a hard thing fucking impossible, and have a vested interest in making it impossible and charging for the solution, but not a good enough solution to invalidate needing to keep using it.
I of of the opinion that these sites commoditize women. They take in profiles, they curate and hoard them. They know that men will pay to get access to them, so they put the best “opportunities” behind their paywall. If you don’t pay, you can see them, but have low chances of getting their attention. I presume the same happens to both sides, but regardless of how they operate, they don’t want you to find someone. They don’t make money if you find someone and quit using the app.
They manipulate a population that is hooked on convenience and pretend to offer the same thing. Be a lazy turd and find a hot woman from your sofa. That isn’t realistic, but that’s the pitch. Nobody starts dating thinking “hmm, I want the chunky person who has no other hobbies than swiping on their phone while Netflix plays in the background”. If these apps were at all helpful, they’d tell you to put on some pants, get off the sofa and develop some appealing interests (no, “hiking” isn’t one of them because you don’t actually do it).
Good fucking riddance if this is at all true.
There’s also all the investment in making using the app addictive with all the little dopamine hits of finding something that might be good every so often at random. So when you do meet someone and you’re bored during the commercials in the from you’re watching, what app would give you a little dopamine hit, yes it’s your favourite dating app, run by the same one company as all the other dating apps.
HOW is this Possible? All dating Apps do is make it IMPOSSIBLE to Find a Real Person! How is that NOT a Winning Strategy in the “Find a Real Person” Industry?
All of them being opened by a single money grubbing company, which has enshitified them to an accounting degree has not helped
accounting
squints eyes not sure if typo or not
Also opened instead of operated, so likely autocorrect.
Opened is probably meant to be owned.
And accounting is probably supposed to be acute.
And “grubbing”, grabbing.
Moral of this message: proofread your stiff. Uh stuff.
Bro didn’t even proofread his own username and y’all expecting him to proofread his posts lmao
oh wow?! I just noticed! Nice catch
Money grubbing is the correct term.
Money grabbing is a slightly bone apple tea thing.
That and who can afford the apps nowadays? Not me.
I’ve paid for a few to see if it helps - It does and I feel like it was worth it up until 2 years ago when they changed how matching works. But you know what doesn’t work, people telling the truth on their profile.
I guess back to Craigslist’s classified section 😆
website has a persistent AI chatbot overlay, btw
easy avoid, for me
It’s so uncommon to see good news these days.
I’ve paid for a few to see if it helps - It does and I feel like it was worth it up until 2 years ago when they changed how matching works. But you know what doesn’t work, people telling the truth on their profile. So great, I had better matches or in my case on bumble, better choice for matches based on who liked me. But damn if Jeni from the town next door loved “hiking” when really she just loved watching tv and one day wanted to “be more active”. She also told me she wanted to move to Spain one day… guess who also wanted to move to Europe ( Spain, wherever) - me! But I got the job and she’s pulling the “well not yet!!!” and in the end just wanted to visit and knew I have money to do this. P.s. I live in Spain now.
Each profile is a crafted (and truth bending) aspect of your life for others to review and I hate how it doesn’t capture the truth of who you really are in person. I went in being honest and found women who liked the same, but yet they were never really who they were on the app. I found my best matches when I wasn’t truthful or bent the truth a tad but yet I never stayed together long.
Best girlfriend so far, met her organically on the beach because my dog went over to say hi by licking her face. She’s a bit over the top, has tattoos everywhere including a funny phrase on her ass, but she’s the most compatible woman I’ve met so far.
Is the phrase
Live, Laugh, Love
Written in comic sans
Nah… Papyrus
So uh…this funny phrase tatoo…pics or it ain’t real, internet rules 😂🤣.
Heh, I’ll ask for a pic but I expect her to dump me for it. But hey, internet points!! 😂
If they are dying, I’d say nothing of value is lost.
Are they? All my friends in their 30s have more than one app. Or had it, when they were single.
What has really been dying for quite some time is “third spaces”. That’s what we need to get back really, beyond dating. Just plain socializing and enjoying togetherness.
What they mean is that dating apps have been enshitified to the point that most of them no longer function.
Aldo, users (and bot operators masquerading a users) have gamed the algorithms to the point at which they’re even more useless than they were when they started.
The more people use them, the less they work. That’s kind of the whole model right?
They are inherently all flawed because they keep you away from the single only reliable way to date: growing your social circle.
Even if you match someone, that’s a single date where you may or may not continue to see each other. Whereas if you spend all that time and effort hanging out with your friends, getting to know people that are in your and their orbits, you are growing your social circle exponentially and exposing yourself to far more dating opportunities while looking like you’re not even trying. And even if it doesn’t work, you are still making being single more fun for yourself by having a rich social life.
Just spend that time reconnecting with old friends, hanging out with people from work or joining some club or class. That’s how to be successful dating. Specifically by not “dating”. To me dating is something that just happens naturally, you don’t need to go looking for it. Just be ready when the opportunity arises. Learn to spot them. Its a social skill like any.
But isnt that dangerous in that there are peoole who dont want to date but rather they simply want to make friends and spend time with friends but if you reveal your romantic relationship feelings for these people thatll potentially ruin that platonic relationship you two have?
Yep, so you don’t do that. I’ve never seen anyone confess their feelings and not get met with rejection. What can you expect if you put someone on the spot?
Flirting is about ambiguity and plausible deniability, because you are giving yourself and them ways out of the situation if the vibes don’t match.
But the problem with flirting is that you may be dealing with a complete idiot like me who cannot read signals and youll end ip leaving that oerson in the dark forever aboitbwhat you really feel, or you may send signals to anither party who doesnt want to spoin your friendship, and thirdly it can lead to people eventually shutting down away from all forms of reltionships bith platonic and romantic.
Like you can look up the dozens of stories of where a person , Person A was flirting with another person , Person B, and Person B was completely obliviois to what the hell Person A was doing.
One of my favorite stories was one where a lady would ALWAYS invite the same guy to her college dorm room so they could ‘study’ together. After few months of ‘studying’ tigether (he would always focus solely on studying when she was typically thinking about ither things… ) she said ‘Lets play a game’ . Basically the ‘game’ was that they both take off ALL ctheir clothes as fast as possiblr and hide under her blanket. They played this game for months and months …and… he still didnt pick up on the hint. It wasnt until long after they were both married and divorced to other people that she finally revealed to him what she felt about him. He said he felt the same way about her but he didnt have the coirage to say anything to her. See? Now they both lost out on a relstionship that may not have ended in divorce as their previous relationships had… all because they both didnt have the courage to say anything to each other. And knowing myself? I would also be unable to pick up on a signal like this.
TTheres also a second problem with flirting is that men tend to be so lack of social and ohysical intimacy thst they see ALL positivity and vulnerability shown to them as flirting when in truth the person who is being kind and touchy towarrds them simoly wants to be a kind and huggy friend. ANd there is nothing wrong with being a kind and huggy friend. Humans NEED vulnerability . Humans NEED physical intimacy to relieve our touch starvations. Ive read like a dozen stories of both men and women, but mostly women, who have stopped showing their male friends physical intimacy and vulnerableness or who have stopped naking male friends completely because the males interpret it as flirting . And Im a male and I can agree that if someone showed me ANY kindness I would interpret it as flirting too.
And thirdly , people who have repeatedly misinterpreted kindness , physical intimacy and vulnerability as flirting also have a third problem where eventually they just start ignoring ALL signals because theyre so scared to misinterpret anything. People like this can become so lonely that its like theyre living in solitary confinement
In my opinion sending mixed signals is toxic and should be done away with forever
If yoy feel some type of way about a person ? You must tell them directly or NEVER give them any mixed signalsat all. And if you do tell them you you must do it with full with confidence BUT you have to have two parts to your plan before you tell them: First part of the plan is that you have to have an ‘escape plan’ to cut your relationship with that person or their associates if you feel thst your romantic feelings for this person will interfere with you platonic relationship with them or their associates , second aprt of the plan is ofcourse to tell them and be confident with wjo you are and with accepting rejection. Ive come to realization that mixed signals is a way of a person telling ‘HELL NO’ because if you arent confident enough in yourself to admit that you want to date me or you want to accept my request to date you?.. Why would I want to date you? A person who is confused about their love for me is confised about who they are as a person. That relationship also goes the other way . End of story. I was reading that article from ‘No Nonsense Sel-Defence’ and thy came to this conclusion… and theyre right!
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who you can’t understand signals from? It shows your communication isn’t on the same level yet.
Real confidence is not overthinking things. Paying attention is a social skill like any other. I think learning it is the best relationship skill you can give yourself.
You can’t love someone off the bat, it’s something that builds. It’s normal to not be sure at first.
Dating and love is ambiguous and complex.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who you can’t understand signals from? It shows your communication isn’t on the same level yet.Real confidence is not overthinking things. Paying attention is a social skill like any other. I think learning it is the best relationship skill you can give yourself.
… so you didnt read anything I wrote? OK lol. ( “Hey everyone! Remember to send mixed signals to EVERYONE youre ever involved with in life that way nobody you kniw if you want to be their friend, their lover , non-contact, or their enemy. Works every time 6 7% of the time.” 🤭)
You can’t love someone off the bat, it’s something that builds. It’s normal to not be sure at first.
… THATS THE POINT OF DATING. HELLO?! Its a headspinningly-fast or unusually-slow process where you come to understand if you like, love, or dislike the person. Doesnt matter f you date that person for only 75 days or for over 75 years. The process of dating can take however long it has to take for all parties involved. It is up to all parties invovled in that relationship to communicate , wait and see how they see the other person , to consensually hasten things up with everyone involved and make the dating process occur to exclusive consumation much quicker or to blow the relationahip up for now cause you and the other people involved just are too incompatible at this time. Indeed dating is compex but you shouldnt be leaving someone in an ‘No-Mans-Land’ where they have no idea of what you feel towards them or others. Tell people exactly what you feel towards them in quiet , private , safe spaces and leave NOTHING up for question .
If someone keeps on and keeps on hitting on you and you even feel a tiny itsy bitsy amount of interest in them? How are you an adult and you dont have the courage to reciprocare and use your words and tell this person " YES! No more games! I am also somewhat interested in you and we should begin the process of getting to know each other! Because maybe eventually Ill like you way more than you like me. " ? (Well obviously I mean dont say it like am AI robot like that. But please be direct with them) If you have absolutely no interest in the person hitting on you? You should have the courage to just say so to them in a safe space and/or go no-contact if you feel in danger. If you go no-contact without saying something? Most people will eventually get the idea and just leave you alone. YOure an adult. You shouldnt be playing mind games with peoples hearts . Im pretty sure that most people will agree eith me when I say humans who receive mixed signals for decades and decades and keep on misinterpeting those muxed signals for decades and decades eventually shut down completely and no longer respond to or send ANY signals ever. Thats another reaon why we have so many middle aged lonely people who eventually die of deaths of despair - their despair is so great cause they dont know what humanity feels about them when they themselves are a peaceful, quiet human too. Do you want to be the reason a person shuts down forever? Cause this is how you get some lonely person to shut down forever.
Also another thing to add is that there are some people who are on the spectrum who wil never understand what in the fuck a signal is and there is nothing wrong with that . BUT some of these same people do also get horny too , just like most other non-asexual peoples, and they still want to date too. There is nothing wrong with them wanting to date. But for people like this if they give you a direct question of: “Do you want to date me?” any "half-approval-half-declination’ response from you will leave the person in No-Mans-Land lol.
“Monopoly fucks up the entire market, news at 11.”
“Capitalism is what ensures that monopolies have existed before and will continue to exist. And nobody wants to do a damned thing about it! News from 200 years ago.”
Good riddance
They were a silly concept to begin with. If they worked well, they’d kill their own business model. To stay economically viable they therefore have to use all kinds of tricks and produce mixed-at-best results, and cognitive manipulation to keep their user base entertained. Glad to see them finally collapse
That’s BS, the population is literally aging into a new market evey year, but they want to nickel and dime to the point of exploitation their existing base ruining the reputation of the entire industry in the process.
I think, it’s a myth that matchmaking has to be bad to survive. We see that in gaming all the time. The problem is just that physical world matchmaking is optimized to get recurrent customers instead of finding good matches. And that inevitably tanks the reputation. The first dating platform with good matchmaking will be the last one standing because it will suck the competition dry.
There is a market for good matchmaking. It’s just not as big as the imagined market for bad matchmaking (which we see now isn’t actually that big once people realize that the service sucks).Also there are still “for real” matchmaking services — for marriage — in plenty of cultures. This is a pretty normal way for folks to get married in many countries. If these apps had gone for being “the digital version of that” instead of algorithmic enshittification, maybe it would be a different story
I never really believed that montra of if they were successful they lose a customer. I met my wife on a dating site over 13 years ago and told everyone I knew about it and how good it was. Many of the people that I told tried the site. It’s a great way to spread your business if anything then through natural word of.mouth you actually kinda weed out people who are looking for the wrong things. Unfortunately the one I used ok cupid was bought by the big conglomerate and they change it so it was just like all the others. The other place I see it working is if governments offered the service because they want people to be matched up. I get people might not trust the government to match them up but why would you trust a company to do it then.
Or arguably it’s the issue with running then as an unregulated business to begin with. It’d almost be better if it was just run as a public/non-profit database service: here’s an anonymised, clinical, filterable list of other people who are looking for a relationship, and a safe way to connect with them. Like all other online services it’d be killed off by bots, trolls, and creeps, but still… If it’s in the public’s general interest for people to be in relationships?
Let me filter the bots, trolls, and creeps myself. I don’t need a rent-seeking middleman for that.
(My wife’s pickup line was trolling the shower curtains in my photo)
