These are no fun anymore considering how plausible they are.
The word mysterious ruins it for me. They always know damn well what it is. They will chug pesticide knowing full well its pesticide because these clowns told them to do it
I mean if you swapped RFK Jr for Rick Perry you’d have a pretty accurate headline with no satire: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/11/us/politics/rick-perry-drug-psychedelics-ibogaine.html?unlocked_article_code=1.dk8.cpUf.XotB3zHLKRkD&referringSource=articleShare (gift link)
Mr. Perry’s hallucinations, induced by the powerful psychotropic drug ibogaine he had taken about 45 minutes before putting on his eye mask, continued for more than 12 hours. The experience was an ordeal. He vomited intermittently and lost much of his body coordination. It took all of Wednesday to recover.
And he was in charge of the nukes? No joking?
Oh Mr bones, I would like off now
Pesticide can have no effect on humans. In fact, it’s generally a desirable attribute of pesticide to not affect humans, to be a poison that only affects the target.
https://gizmodo.com/these-people-took-ddt-pills-in-the-1970s-to-prove-it-wa-1678385578
These People Took DDT Pills In the 1970s to Prove it Was Safe
In 1971 two people in North Hollywood started eating DDT pills every day. That’s right, they willingly swallowed 10mg of poison every single day for three months. In front of witnesses.
That’s great it still doesn’t cure cancer or whatever mr brain worm is saying that week.
Fair enough.
That doesn’t mean anything. You can swallow 10mg of cyanide and not feel anything. I still don’t want it sprayed everywhere.
For real. It’s much more strange that he hauled a whale head down the interstate until it fell off the vehicle…or the dumping of a bear in central park…or the very real brain worms.
Mostly, though … his
lack of knowledgeopulent ambiguity towards medical science; considering his position.I used to be able to spot Onion headlines on sight. Now I have to check, every time.
Is this prophecy or satire? Too difficult to distinguish between the two anymore.
Please drink verification can
There needs to be a name for that. I propose “saphecy”.
What’s with that last line, though? I think it ruins the joke.
An independent chemical analysis later confirmed the mysterious glowing liquid was just ivermectin with a lot of green food coloring added.
onion articles are best if you just read the title. They published a book of just the titles because even they know that’s where 99% of the humor is and the article is usually just bludgeoning the joke to death.
From past reading, their authoring process is to make up funny titles, and pick a few to turn into an article. So it’s really optimized for the title.
I dunno, some of them are pretty fantastic as a full read.
https://theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997/
okay that one is better than average but i am very biased towards liking it and i still think it could be cut in half, its like flogging the joke too much is part of the joke with them. thanks for that one though it made me chuckle for sure.
Slurm!
Is this because he also has a worm or slug in his brain?
Is it Brawndo?
It’s got electrolytes, it has what plants crave
Entirely believable. I can’t imagine anyone worse in this position. 50 cent… Martha Stewart… Usain Bolt… Alexis Texas… Anyone at all. All preferable.
Martha Stewart has the chops for this administration. She’s been in prison.
DRINK THE OOZE!
(Note::Ant-man died on his way back to his home planet.)
RFK pushing some sort of preventative medicine? A green vaccine? That’s too wild to be real.
Tell me the secret of the ooze!
It has what plants crave
Brainslug eggs
Honestly was questioning this one for a second.
“Old-age Mutant Secretary Turtles” coming soon. Mitch McConnell was the prototype.
