“Magic missile is just a teleportation spell to a gun range. Create food and water? Teleportation. Teleport? Believe it or not, a hack of disintegration”
We found a race condition in the teleport code. Turns out the efficiency curve for the restoration magic that undoes the disintegration in real time has a parabolic mana requirement related to mass, but disintegrate has a caterneric curve. For human sized stuff they match up, but if you try to teleport something of sufficient mass the restoration starts to draw a disproportionate amount of mana and the whole thing falls apart.
Also, we need to hire some more QA contractors.
How we found out? We knew from the start there would be a discrepancy. Early testing pointed to this problem. And we warned every superior up the chain. But in the end we were ordered to just put a warning on the scroll.
We were only taken serious after a junior magician thought it was funny to teleport an elephant into their observatorium before exams and neglected the warnings. That is how the Mana Void of Barkley Academy was formed.
The superiors were out for blood when the first court summon scrolls appeared, using competitors teleportation technology. That was until we gave them a copy of our manilla scroll holder full with communication of them neglecting to heed our warnings.
That was thr lore behind infinity blade. All magic rings can be distilled down to short range teleportation, just paired with different locations.
Ah yes, the “every OS but windows -> Linux -> Unix” dynamic
Charles Stross’ Laundry series is basically this concept set in the present day: magic is a branch of mathematics, which means it can be computed and programmed.
It is perhaps worth noting at this point the series genre is cosmic horror.
The gender is actually Lovecraftian, spy thriller, science fiction, and workplace humour source.
It’s seriously the best thing I have read in a decade.
Edit: genre I guess 😅 (have been learning French lately so sometimes it messes it all up!).
The gender is actually Lovecraftian, spy thriller, science fiction
New gender just dropped
Gender really is a complex topic huh?
I’ve known a few people whose gender I would describe as lovecraftian.
It’s all the appendages, huh.
I keep getting told not to fetishise another’s gender, but my porn addled brain sees tentacles and short circuits to knee socks and midriffs.
You know fun fact I learned recently from a let’s play: tentacles only refer to the appendages which end in suckers, but along the rest of their length, have no suckers. The other appendages are called arms. So, octopuses actually have no tentacles, they have arms. Squids have 8 arms, and 2 extra tentacles, which are the long ones that have little spade shaped sucker hands on them. So, probably when you pictured tentacles, you were actually picturing cephalopod arms.
I always give that misspelling a pass. It’s literally the same word borrowed from French twice.
I was for sure wondering what you were meaning for starters 😁. Genre, right?
I’ve never felt the urge to explore new genders until I read this…
That sounds awesome, thanks for the suggestion!
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This series seems to check more boxes than I thought I had…
i’m adding it to the top of the list. Except i don’t have a list, so I’m creating a list and adding it to that and therefore it automatically finds itself at the top of it.
God help the poor mathematical geniuses who accidentally discover that math. If they’re lucky, they end up working for the Laundry.
If they’re really lucky, they’ll end up working for the Laundry only once. Residual Human Resources is a bad way to go out.
So that explains the apparent undead working for them…I only read the first book or three and it’s been a minute. This is the sign for me to go back and finish the series.
I don’t know what’s going wrong. That spell works perfectly fine on my summoning circle.
As a QA myself, this is what dealing with developers (and I this case, wizards) is like. Way too much trust in their code.
Senior QA in the wizard world would actually be a respected title. Can’t make senior if you’re dead, and you can be alive if you’re bad at it.
I’m a dev, and once when I pulled something like that, QA told me, “oh cool, so we’re shipping your machine to the customer then?”
and that’s why they invented Docker 👈😬👈
And that’s why they invented wands.
Have you tried closing and re-opening your spell book?
What’s the uptime on your portal?
Apple-wood makes really good wands for illusions.
Oh, the staff? Built it myself. Hexacore silicon based crystal lattice CPU (Casting Power Unit), 4 billion RAM (Refined Arcane Modules) with an upgraded SSD (Swift Spell Deck) that can hold 2 trillion sigils. Yeah, of course it has RGB aura effects.
“What the fuck? why is this spell trying to access your Patron directly? Theres no reason it cant run off your local mana reserves”
“Wow I made the pact with the creature from the abyss to get my powers, and now it wants a monthly sacrifice in order to keep use them?”
“How does a simple “create water” spell have a 15 second cast time? Is it doing something else in the background or were the glyphs written by a first year apprentice?”
“Ah fuck how do I change the incantation for my spell again? Let me search the the orb real quick…”
“How does a simple “create water” spell have a 15 second cast time? Is it doing something else in the background or were the glyphs written by a first year apprentice?”
And that’s how the backdoor (literal) in the xzutils material component was discovered.
“Why would you use Elvish for an earth-spell?? Dwarven is clearly the more appropriate language, especially if it’s an incantation”
“It’s fine like it is! It works, ok?”
groan… it’s meant to be fantasy! Why do i have to subscribe to 15 patrons to get access to the spells i want?
“I copied this spell from an overflowing stack of tomes. I think it was originally meant to cleanse all living things from religious stonework, but I changed some of the constants now it works as disinfectant.”
3E sorcerers in a nutshell
Sir Terry Pratchett’s Discworld’s wizards are sort of like this, at least once Mustrum Ridcully becomes archchancellor, and especially once they built their magic Rube Goldberg style supercomputer Hex.
+++ Out Of Cheese Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot. +++
As always, if someone has a good worldbuilding idea, somebody has already thought of it.
As usual, it was Terry Pratchett.GNU STP
GNU Sir Terry Pratchett
GNU Sir Terry Pratchett
“Woah! You can’t just cast any spell you find laying around. You have to create a virtual world first, then cast the spell. That way if shit goes pear shaped, you just pull the plug and the world vanishes. Can you imagine if you got a grimoire labeled ‘Summon Frog’, but it actually summoned a plague of frogs? Do you know even who wrote the book? Bro. Virtual World.”
Whoa. That is 100% my new favorite campaign setting idea. A wizard’s virtual test world, with all sorts of crazy random nonsense happening, and then one day the inhabitants find out he’s going to reset the virtual world.
Or just plug it into a running campaign: A wizard was using another smaller plane of existence as this, but they have somehow become unable to close it again and the party need to venture inside to fix it so he may safely close it again!
Personally, I have a dedicated realm for testing. Its an environment with a bunch of cool integrated magic I use for developing spells.
“I call it… The MicroRealm!”
“No, we don’t ever touch the old Seance. The wizards of old wrote it a long time ago and the last time we changed a word it stopped summoning demons in jars and started summoning them in rectal cavities. Just leave it alone.”
“That spell is setup to cast itself at exactly midnight, every night, in every monestary in our order. Except the black crater, of course.”
“Why not at the black crater?”
“We’re not sure. There wasn’t anyone left to ask.”
midnight
Oh no. Do you mean Midnight for each monestary locally, or do you mean when it’s midnight at our prime monestary that it is cast? Three are in the time zone an hour ahead, and seven are an hour behind! They need to happen simultaneously for it to work!
Still better than the spell that needs to be cast at local noon. They synchronized those by having each monastery create and then destroy an invisible copy of the sun whenever they cast it. You don’t want to know how expensive to maintain that is.
I’m really liking the idea of the day-to-da experience for a working mage in the magical standards agency responsible for keeping all these things in order. An even more arcane IEEE, if that’s possible.
Spells extracting energy from another magical system MUST send a request for draw before beginning extraction. High-capacitance spells SHOULD respond to all requests with positive authorization if sufficient capacity exists, but MUST reply in some way.
We’re a little worried about what happens when the astral calender hits the new millenium but no ones figured out how to insert another date rune without causing the whole magic circle to start smoking alarmingly.
Let me introduce you to: Noita
WARNING: Teleporting to a location that is in the middle of unloading can delete the player character.
Fish-Swapper: Mostly same as deer-swapper, but fish do not explode and are an alternative to deercoy.
And other fun sentences. The wandbuilding mechanics are second to none. You will accidentally kill yourself, and you may not know how.
I lost a run the other day to a series of events, one of which included me (in-game) finding and eating enough psychedelic fungus to trigger a shift in reality, which transmuted all smoke in the universe and any created thereafter, into acid. Like carbolic acid, not the fun drugsy kind.
Acid, naturally, eats through all creatures and materials in the game world, including many things you’d consider otherwise invulnerable, until it evaporates - into flammable gas.
Therefore any time an object or material caught fire (which is often, with or without player interference), it would quickly consume anything below it for several meters while feeding itself with flammable gas and spreading to any new flammable materials it uncovered.
The world very quickly became a very large mess.
God run, greed calls… Midas’d myself. Had to take a couple month break lol
E: oh and dont get me started on poly mage
Also, as someone who didn’t understand this, most of the crazy stuff you get right away. I think because it sort of looks like Terraria I thought a lot of stuff is crazy high level items but it’s not.
That’s just the beauty of its spell system, found yourself a trigger spell, double cast, and chainsaw? Well now you have a gattling wand. Want to impose 4 billion damage onto your archenemy? One simple spell may do the trick
What is casting a spell in debug mode?
Can you put a breakpoint in your spell? Picturing a devil having a smoke while the wizard puzzles over all the runes suspended in the air.
Debugging spells is just as much a dark art as spell crafting itself. When I was a young apprentice we didn’t have as sophisticated tools as you do now; you had to make sure you noted down your intermediate runes correctly and use those symbols to divine some meaning from the ashes of your failed spell. One time I mixed up my notes with the symbols of a different spell and when I sprinkled the ashes on the stack I was stuck speaking in tounges for a week.
These days of course you can summon a lesser demon to freeze your spell and ask it about the state, but the demons can be tricky and it’s easy for novices to make a mistake and allow the demon to run amok - makes a real mess of the lab.
Debugging spells isn’t like the fancy debuggers in your modern IDE. You gotta compile the spell with debugging symbols and run it through the spell equivalent of gdb direct in the command line.
But most wizards just go with the ol’ “add print statements everywhere” method of debugging.
“Glorfinx’s Globular Glassblower” still shouts “HERE!” at max volume when it walks past a wet dog because he never removed the printf rune after he fixed a bug relating to dripping fur.
Oh but the fireworks of Ericas “broader detect magic” became so popular that she actually added back all the spark colors for all the moral edge cases!
We now have novice wizards playing around with exactly how angry they need to be and how gaudy their robes need to be to get the different signals triggered…
Okay, let’s see… Not sure if the spell is even activating that glyph sequence. Let’s try casting it again with a purple glow rune there…
The devil knowing if the wizard doesn’t get it right, he might get hes breakfast, wizard soul!
printspell debugging.
See Rich Cook’s Wizardry series. It’s about software engineers transported to a fantasy world and they start approaching magic as software. They create complex spells out of lots of smaller spells, they even create a debugger demon.
Oh that series is so much fun! I need to read those books again. Another good one is Scott Meyer’s Magic 2.0 series. Basically a random dude finds the rules.ini file for the universe hiding out on the internet and ends up using it to travel back back to Arthurian England to live openly as a Wizard. Except he’s not the first one with that idea…
“Gods, I swear you fix one thing in a ritual, two more take it’s place - my teleportation no longer puts me in the ground, but now my clothes arrive backwards and occasionally I’m upside down - didn’t even touch those bits of the spell!”
two more take its* place
FTFY
“Gods, I swear you fix one thing in a ritual, two more take its place - my teleportation no longor puts me in the ground, but now my clothes arrive backwards and occasionally I’m puside down - didn’t even touch those bits of the spell!”
*longer
*upside
(Sorry? Lol)
Pssst, he fixed one and two more took its place. It’s a joke, lol
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“Uh oh.”
“What? Looks like it worked perfectly!”
“Yeah, but that was the first time I cast it.”
“Oh. Ohhhh. …Uh oh.”
“Random door is now fused closed permanently 3km away”
Archwizard btw
By the time the archwizard has finished the incantation, the rest of the party has finished the dungeon
