I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.
There’s nothing wrong with having a family without being married, but what were the ground rules you established when you became a family? Has she been interested in marriage, but you weren’t? Were you interested in marriage and she wasn’t? You both decided on something less than marriage, but what were the terms you agreed to?
Up until this time, what were her sources of income? If she was staying at home full time raising the child, was she dependent on whatever money you decided to give her at any point, or did you have an agreed amount you’d give her for her bank account to spend however she liked without any knowledge/approval from you? If the former, then she could have been financially insecure this entire time and fearful that if your favor changed, she’d be out on her ear possibly caring for her child without anything to support herself on. That would be terrifying for any human, but even more so for a mother.
…and…
The first statement says you won’t put your hand in her pocket. The second statement sounds like you want to put your hand in her pocket.
If neither of you laid out expectations for one another years ago before you got together, you’re in a tight spot now. Doing so now will appear to be influenced by her inheritance. What do you want for your future together? What does she want for your future together? Do those two things match?
The only possibly way I can see forward, and you’re going to have to be okay with it, is to say:
“Honey, here’s what I want our future to be like, and what I want our relationship to be including financial transparency with one another. However, I recognize I didn’t say this from the start, and I want you to know that your inheritance can’t influence this. 100% of your inheritance is yours forever for whatever you want to spend it on, and nothing needs to change with our previous financial arrangement as long as it was working for you before. If you need it to change for your benefit completely separate from the inheritance, I’m open to your thoughts on it. I want us to be on the same page building a future together as a family, and I won’t let that be in a position where you feel vulnerable or uncertain.”
It would be putting my hands in her pocket if we had an open conversation about the bills that we can afford jointly? I’m talking at most about adjusting household bills closer to 50/50 - if she is sitting on 10x-20x the amount of money I have ever had in my life then that doesn’t seem unreasonable. If the money isn’t all that significant then I’m not asking for any change in the status quo. Your approach is a fair one though, thank you. (edited to be more realistic with the numbers above)