I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.
I think it’s insane that married people keep separate finances in the first place. I know lots of people do it, though.
But it’s unfathomable to me that you would be sharing a life, home, and child with someone and not even have financial transparency.
I’d be pushing very hard for total transparency.
OP states they are not officially married. This doesn’t change the fact that financial transparency is very important in a relationship, in particular when a kid is also involved.
We are not officially married, but I certainly agree it’s insane to not have transparency in a committed relationship. What’s the point of being together if they can’t even trust me with information?
Depending on your location you could very well be common law married and not realize it. In Colorado, if people think you’re married for a long enough period of time then you legally become married for all intents and purposes.
Separate finances and financial transparency are 2 different things.
Exactly. My partner and I are completely transparent about our income and based on that we have determined a ratio that we use to pay our household expenses and to create some buffers for renovations, taxes, holidays, etc. The rest of the money stays in our own bank accounts and we can do whatever we like with it. To me that makes perfect sense. If I’d like to spend money on something very expensive for myself, why should that be paid from a joint account? That will only lead to discussions. Of course things would be different if one of us wouldn’t have a job, or wouldn’t be earning enough to live a healthy life. It all depends on the circumstances.
not even have financial transparency.
Some people are dog shit at financial management, like if their bank account has $200 and they get paid at midnight they have a compulsion to spend it.
Some couples aren’t doing separate accounts to hide shit, they’re doing it because one partner can’t be trusted with money.
Hell, when I first bought my house I didn’t trust myself enough. I had a “bills” bank account I didn’t even have a debit card to. I kept a little extra and direct deposited bill money into it, and had all my bills on auto pay from it.
First and foremost, it’s not unreasonable to expect transparency in this situation. Finances are difficult to manage at the best of times. Bringing uncertainty and distrust into the mix is a recipe for disaster.
That being said, consider that the reason for her behavior may not be entirely malicious or deceptive.
If I may ask, how independent was your SO prior to your child being born? Did she work? Did she have hobbies she paid for? Did she have expendable income?
For the last five years she has likely had the feeling that she had no agency over her own financial situation. That can be incredibly uncomfortable and even anxiety inducing for many people. She has been relying entirely on your generosity, that’s true, but remember that also means she’s been beholden to that generosity, and your decisions in the workplace as well.
It may be that her desire to keep the inheritance quiet is for her own mental health, whether she realizes it or not. It can be very stressful for stay at home spouses to spend money on themselves and feel good about it when it’s always in the back of their mind that they didn’t earn it, that using it frivolously is wasting someone else’s hard work.
None of this is to say that it’s okay for her to be secretive. It’s not. She needs to be transparent, as I said at the start.
But perhaps this can you help you approach the issue with grace and understanding so that it’s not a “me vs you” discussion and instead it’s an “us vs the problem” discussion.
I appreciate this reply, thank you, it’s pretty accurate. I can even see it but in the moment it is hard to not get reactive around these hot button issues.
I don’t think she intends to be malicious, but I don’t know how to categorize this as not deceptive. Her standards for the transparency she demands of me is quite high, so it doesn’t feel reciprocal at all.
You have hit the nail on the head as far as describing the whole identity crisis that happens as a stay at home mom. She was far more independent, we lived in another city where we had more support from friends, and in general there have been a plethora of stressful life challenges that we have faced along the way. Mental health has been a big challenge for sure.
This isn’t lost on me, I just don’t always know a skillful way to address it in the moment.
The first thing to do is try to communicate what you think she’s dealing with. You can start with a simple “I want to tell you what I think is happening, and for you to correct me where I’m wrong, ok?” It should be a specific conversation where you sit down and talk just about this. Tell her you want her to feel like she has independence. Tell her you understand that the last five years have been suffocating and you want to be her ally. Tell her you love her and want to support her and want her to have money to spend on herself, and to feel the joy of a big inheritance.
And tell her that when she hides things, when she isn’t open, it makes you feel like she views you as the enemy, the opposition, the “other team”.
Partnerships aren’t about two people facing each other and meeting in the middle. They’re about two people standing side by side, facing the world. If you can convey your belief in that, and that you have no intention of taking from her to “make up for what you’ve given” or anything in that realm, you’ll be in a much better spot to talk about what’s going on and how to address it
Be prepared to make some concessions btw. If, for example, she wants to keep a nest-egg so that she feels like she has something to fall back on, you’ll probably need to be okay with that. Don’t view it as a commentary about how she views you. It’s almost certainly not about you, but about the difficulty adjusting to her new reality and the stress of having a whole lot of her self-determination and agency stripped away in the past 5 years
You can definitely manage this. I get the feeling this all comes down to her feeling understandably dissatisfied about parts of her life when she compares them to before your child was born. That’s very normal. Talking through it, restating her concerns so she knows you understand, and tackling solutions together is the key
This is good advice, thanks for the support. I don’t need to have any say in what she does with her money, I just want her to be honest with me.
Happy to help ❤️
I’m assuming you’re in a “what’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine” situation with a shared bank account for shared stuff? With a 80/20 split?
From what you said, it doesn’t seem like you want to “settle debt” or something. All you want is honesty to be reciprocated and the ability to get back to a 50/50 split, still with “what’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine”. It would also be possible for you to save up money and to get other stuff together with a fair 50/50 split - if she agrees to it.
IMO just tell her. Be honest. Say it hurts you that she doesn’t feel like she can be honest with you when you’ve been honest with her. Tell her all you want is to be able to trust her and build a future together and that these kinds of things are important to continue trusting her (if that’s how you feel).
Now that you’ve said your part, ask her what’s on her mind, what’s she’s afraid of, why she’s uncomfortable revealing, and then let her speak. If she’s evasive, be firm about how it makes you feel, but understanding something like “It can be tough talking about this, but we’re in this together. I love you”.
Maybe she’ll need to hear that even if she inherited a billion, what’s hers is hers, what’s yours is yours. 50/50 is all you’d ever ask for and that the more important thing is that’s honest with you.
Yeah this is exactly all that I want. An equal split would be a complete game changer and I would be able to catch back up on my finances and not feel like everything is spoken for before it even hits my bank account. That phrase “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” is probably a good way to phrase it, and I absolutely am not looking to usurp control in any way. Thanks, another solid reply here, you guys are great. Much better responses than what you’d find on reddit. I actually started writing an AITA and deleted my account halfway through, shoulda done it earlier.
I would strongly recommend you recognize and acknowledge the power imbalance you have over her in your relationship. It may be a factor in her responses. If you gain that understanding, you will be better prepared for those responses and understand the legitimacy of her reasons behind them. If you’re lucky enough to have your mom is still in your life, I’d recommend you talk to her for a mother’s perspective that you can trust.
One more item you raised in your original post:
My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate
You’re the breadwinner providing most of the monetary support in the home, but how are you valuing her very significant contribution with raising the child while you work. Are you valuing her work at less than 50%? Perhaps one method to recognize her contribution would be to price out how much child care would cost if she weren’t doing it, and recognize that as “income” she is providing. Does that help equal the 50-50 split you’re desiring?
Though it’s probably mentally modeled as
What’s yours is ours, and what’s mine is mine.
You are husband and wife in every sense except in the legal way. You should have no qualms talking frankly with any topic unless you have relationship issues. Just ask her directly.
We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts.
There’s nothing wrong with having a family without being married, but what were the ground rules you established when you became a family? Has she been interested in marriage, but you weren’t? Were you interested in marriage and she wasn’t? You both decided on something less than marriage, but what were the terms you agreed to?
Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Up until this time, what were her sources of income? If she was staying at home full time raising the child, was she dependent on whatever money you decided to give her at any point, or did you have an agreed amount you’d give her for her bank account to spend however she liked without any knowledge/approval from you? If the former, then she could have been financially insecure this entire time and fearful that if your favor changed, she’d be out on her ear possibly caring for her child without anything to support herself on. That would be terrifying for any human, but even more so for a mother.
It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
…and…
I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
The first statement says you won’t put your hand in her pocket. The second statement sounds like you want to put your hand in her pocket.
I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
If neither of you laid out expectations for one another years ago before you got together, you’re in a tight spot now. Doing so now will appear to be influenced by her inheritance. What do you want for your future together? What does she want for your future together? Do those two things match?
The only possibly way I can see forward, and you’re going to have to be okay with it, is to say:
“Honey, here’s what I want our future to be like, and what I want our relationship to be including financial transparency with one another. However, I recognize I didn’t say this from the start, and I want you to know that your inheritance can’t influence this. 100% of your inheritance is yours forever for whatever you want to spend it on, and nothing needs to change with our previous financial arrangement as long as it was working for you before. If you need it to change for your benefit completely separate from the inheritance, I’m open to your thoughts on it. I want us to be on the same page building a future together as a family, and I won’t let that be in a position where you feel vulnerable or uncertain.”
It would be putting my hands in her pocket if we had an open conversation about the bills that we can afford jointly? I’m talking at most about adjusting household bills closer to 50/50 - if she is sitting on 10x-20x the amount of money I have ever had in my life then that doesn’t seem unreasonable. If the money isn’t all that significant then I’m not asking for any change in the status quo. Your approach is a fair one though, thank you. (edited to be more realistic with the numbers above)
I hope you give us an update down the road. Best to you in deciding what to do. Skimming through your responses, it seems that a relationship principle/boundary is clearly being transgressed for you. That deserves to be addressed. I also don’t see you being unreasonable in your expectations around the issue. So I hope you put some trust in yourself! At the same time, I honor how uncomfortable these things are to contend with…
Thanks my friend, will see where the dust settles and I will let y’all know.
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which level of communication do you mean exactly?
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I think if you have always had separate accounts and never had agreements regarding financial transparency, then it’s not entirely reasonable to demand that she tell you the exact amount. If you feel like she was deceptive in her answer of “around $20k,” then maybe you should ask her why and articulate the reasons why you would like that transparency (from the both of you) going forward so that you can take care of your son and plan your lives more thoughtfully.
I’ve been with my common-law (i.e., not officially married) wife for nearly 9 years and I think I would also be less than specific with the amount simply to avoid the obvious question of how much of it there is to spend. I don’t feel like amounts are relevant because I expect to be trusted to use my money at my discretion. From my perspective as someone who can see where your partner might be coming from, maybe she told you $20k so that you wouldn’t think it was a small amount and that you would be comforted by the presence of an emergency fund without necessarily committing to actually spending it.
This is pure speculation and just meant to get you thinking. Please talk to her about the reasons behind her caginess and your feelings about your family’s security long-term rather than the actions themselves.
This is an interesting perspective, thanks. You’re right that to me it was more a tacit agreement than a hard and fast rule. That was probably foolish, to not have laid some of this in stone. Can I ask if you support your partner financially? I think that is a big piece of the equation here. If that dynamic is shifting in a meaningful way then I feel as though it’s fair to know. I get that it takes all kinds, and maybe you guys both have comfy bank accounts and savings so it isn’t as relevant. I know I would inform her and share whatever came my way, unconditionally. Maybe not the same as my scenario, but you are giving me more to consider.
We supported each other equally (I had the better-paying job, if you think that matters) up until last year when I went on disability, so we definitely don’t have savings anymore, haha. We don’t have kids and won’t ever, so that does significantly impact our ability and our willingness to keep the financials entirely separate.
Obviously, I would inform her of a significant windfall that I expect to last a while, but the exact amount is, in my mind, not relevant while we’re both committed to living a shared life. That said, a give-and-take reciprocity between the both of you should be discussed if you think she has the ability to work more hours and has a bit of extra money at the ready - I just think the amount might not be as important to you as the potential deception is.
I see. Yeah the kiddo factor definitely is a big shift in the dynamic. I can see how different it would be… I get it though, if you can say “hey babe I just got a bunch of money, we are in a good spot and I would like to do x, y, and z with it” then the actualy amount is less relevant.
The deception casts a different light on some recent interactions and makes it feel like we weren’t actually engaging in good faith discussion.
For example she was recently visiting her family in California and I offered some extra loot to upgrade to a better hotel for her and her sister when I saw how pricey the options were. She could have waived me off and explained that she really doesn’t need it, clearly that money has a much larger impact in my own modest account.
A willingness to take money from your partner when they don’t know that you secretly have way more than them feels grimey. I guess the deception is what is fucking me up here. Ultimately the deception is allowing your partner to have an incomplete view of reality.
I think I am leaning towards suggesting that finances are now 50/50 across the board unless she is willing to explain to me how exactly that isn’t fair. It sucks that I am feeling like I can no longer be generous, that’s not who I want to be but it where I am at.
To me, it sounds like you’re hurt by her willingness to allow you to spend money to take care of her that you could otherwise use (but are offering because you love her) because she seems like she doesn’t actually need it. I think that that’s the main issue to bring up - I totally understand where you’re at and it makes sense for you to feel used or taken advantage of, I just want to point out where I think the root causes actually are so that you don’t come into a discussion trying to address the symptoms of the issue.
It’s possible that this is a misunderstanding of what you both need as people who are growing into a pretty significant stage of life. I think there’s room for discussion so that this can be ironed out in a way that satisfies you both, possibly without having to name a specific number. Generosity could even come from both of you, given a more structured arrangement (or at least more open communication) so no one feels like they’re the one putting up cash all the time.
It’s her money. You could try to ask if it might be fairer to have a more even split on bills now, but you will have to just accept her answer. If you can’t accept her answer, then you have to re-evaluate everything.
Of course it’s her money, it’s not for me to decide what she does ultimately. That being said it’s not where I want my relationship to be if she can’t trust me with a number. I want to be generous and not have to check myself and keep my cards close to my chest if I receive a windfall at some point. The sad part is she is the first person who would know if I were in her shoes. It’s already leading me to a lot of uncomfortable questions, you’re absolutely correct.
Don’t rush to anything but these facts don’t look good.
I don’t understand why she would have a kid with you but people do things that don’t make sense sometimes.
Y’all need to figure how you want this relationship to proceed. Clearly something is not aligned.
Does she spend the money on herself or the family? If she’s contributing why care? Who does her taxes? Maybe it’ll come to light then
Could you maybe suggest meeting jointly or separately with a financial planner? Express a desire to make sure household expenses are covered and possibly invest in your kids future, but be clear that you don’t see her inheritance, however much it is, as a chance for you to buy a sports car or something.
My parents had a joint account for household expenses and would discuss how to split major purchases like new cars, but they both had separate accounts and investments.
It’s a good suggestion but I don’t think it will be interpreted well at the moment. Likely would come off as “I want us to talk to a planner about how to spend your money”. I’m certainly open to the idea, I guess I have no idea what a financial planner actually charges when you sit down with them. If she isn’t honest with me face to face I’m not sure how it would be much different with another person in the room.
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this?
Why are you sitting here telling us instead of her? What do you expect out of your relationship if you cannot even have a serious talk with her and instead have to rant about it online to strangers?
Why are you chastising people for asking for relationship advice in a community named “relationship advice”?
Chastising? I’m literally giving him the advice he (and pretty much 95% of the people on Reddit’s equivalent) need: Communication
All those things he said, are what he should say to her, not us. And then he wonders what he should do? Nah dawg. I’m not gonna let you shame me for speaking the truth of him simply having to do his due diligence, which are the essential foundation of a relationship. He can take my advice and work on it, or just quit it at that point, because without communication it is doomed to fail anyway.
Well I don’t disagree with you on the communication point. You are taking a pretty big leap with your judgments from an extremely limited position, and I will say that I have gotten a lot of helpful support in this thread. That’s why I’m here, if you really want to know. I don’t want my relationship to fail and I am struggling to make sense of this. Have a nice day though, I hope things are forever rosy for you and you never need to reach out to strangers for support! Life gets fucking weird sometimes man. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and all that shit.
You are taking a pretty big leap with your judgments from an extremely limited position
Life gets fucking weird sometimes man. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and all that shit.
You have no idea what I’ve been through. You wanted an outside perspective? That’s what you’ve got. Either take the advice, or don’t. But your attack on me is nothing but hypocritical.
Where did you get the impression that I haven’t said any of this to her already? I’m trying to get some outside perspective, I don’t have many people in my life to run this by. Thanks for your understanding, if this post isn’t for you then I dunno why you’re here?
By you saying you asked her only this:
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer.
If you had an actual talk to her you would’ve mentioned that and her response.
