I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.

Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?

This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.

If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.

I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.

I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…

TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.

  • neatchee@lemmy.worldEnglish
    5·
    2 months ago

    The first thing to do is try to communicate what you think she’s dealing with. You can start with a simple “I want to tell you what I think is happening, and for you to correct me where I’m wrong, ok?” It should be a specific conversation where you sit down and talk just about this. Tell her you want her to feel like she has independence. Tell her you understand that the last five years have been suffocating and you want to be her ally. Tell her you love her and want to support her and want her to have money to spend on herself, and to feel the joy of a big inheritance.

    And tell her that when she hides things, when she isn’t open, it makes you feel like she views you as the enemy, the opposition, the “other team”.

    Partnerships aren’t about two people facing each other and meeting in the middle. They’re about two people standing side by side, facing the world. If you can convey your belief in that, and that you have no intention of taking from her to “make up for what you’ve given” or anything in that realm, you’ll be in a much better spot to talk about what’s going on and how to address it

    Be prepared to make some concessions btw. If, for example, she wants to keep a nest-egg so that she feels like she has something to fall back on, you’ll probably need to be okay with that. Don’t view it as a commentary about how she views you. It’s almost certainly not about you, but about the difficulty adjusting to her new reality and the stress of having a whole lot of her self-determination and agency stripped away in the past 5 years

    You can definitely manage this. I get the feeling this all comes down to her feeling understandably dissatisfied about parts of her life when she compares them to before your child was born. That’s very normal. Talking through it, restating her concerns so she knows you understand, and tackling solutions together is the key