I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.
We supported each other equally (I had the better-paying job, if you think that matters) up until last year when I went on disability, so we definitely don’t have savings anymore, haha. We don’t have kids and won’t ever, so that does significantly impact our ability and our willingness to keep the financials entirely separate.
Obviously, I would inform her of a significant windfall that I expect to last a while, but the exact amount is, in my mind, not relevant while we’re both committed to living a shared life. That said, a give-and-take reciprocity between the both of you should be discussed if you think she has the ability to work more hours and has a bit of extra money at the ready - I just think the amount might not be as important to you as the potential deception is.
I see. Yeah the kiddo factor definitely is a big shift in the dynamic. I can see how different it would be… I get it though, if you can say “hey babe I just got a bunch of money, we are in a good spot and I would like to do x, y, and z with it” then the actualy amount is less relevant.
The deception casts a different light on some recent interactions and makes it feel like we weren’t actually engaging in good faith discussion.
For example she was recently visiting her family in California and I offered some extra loot to upgrade to a better hotel for her and her sister when I saw how pricey the options were. She could have waived me off and explained that she really doesn’t need it, clearly that money has a much larger impact in my own modest account.
A willingness to take money from your partner when they don’t know that you secretly have way more than them feels grimey. I guess the deception is what is fucking me up here. Ultimately the deception is allowing your partner to have an incomplete view of reality.
I think I am leaning towards suggesting that finances are now 50/50 across the board unless she is willing to explain to me how exactly that isn’t fair. It sucks that I am feeling like I can no longer be generous, that’s not who I want to be but it where I am at.
To me, it sounds like you’re hurt by her willingness to allow you to spend money to take care of her that you could otherwise use (but are offering because you love her) because she seems like she doesn’t actually need it. I think that that’s the main issue to bring up - I totally understand where you’re at and it makes sense for you to feel used or taken advantage of, I just want to point out where I think the root causes actually are so that you don’t come into a discussion trying to address the symptoms of the issue.
It’s possible that this is a misunderstanding of what you both need as people who are growing into a pretty significant stage of life. I think there’s room for discussion so that this can be ironed out in a way that satisfies you both, possibly without having to name a specific number. Generosity could even come from both of you, given a more structured arrangement (or at least more open communication) so no one feels like they’re the one putting up cash all the time.