I’ve been the primary breadwinner for our small family since our son was born (he’s 5). We aren’t officially married and we keep separate bank accounts. I make decent money in a semi-rural area, but with most expenses on my shoulders, there’s typically just a few thousand dollars cushion left at any point in time. My partner has stayed home to raise our child, which I greatly appreciate, and there’s some occasional income from her side, but historically not enough to significantly ease the financial pressure on me. Recently she has been working more and there are positive signs that we will be able to improve our financial situation as kiddo transitions to regular school.
Five months ago, her grandmother died, and she mentioned she would inherit around $20k or so. However, she never firmed up the number and hasn’t shared any details since. I’m starting to see indications that the actual number may be much larger and I feel like I have been intentionally misled. I’ve noticed quite a bit of increased spending. This is generally a good thing when it’s to help out around the house or for the family. I just have zero context for the scale of this inheritance. Is it enough to last a few weeks, months, or even years? Is it enough for a house down payment?
This lack of transparency is frustrating and hurtful. I’ve always shared my financial situation with her, including bonuses and raises, and given her extra money whenever possible. I don’t understand why she’s being so secretive about this. It feels like she assumes I’ll put my hand in her pocket, which hurts given how generous I’ve tried to be.
If we’re serious about building a future together, I believe we need to be open about our finances. If she’s sitting on a significant amount of money, I don’t see why I should continue shouldering 80% or more of the household expenses without an honest conversation where all the chips are on the table.
I’m afraid she is intentionally keeping me in the dark, and it’s damaging our communication and trust even further. It makes me less willing to share details about any future inheritance I might receive. I don’t want to become bitter or retaliatory, but this situation is making me question a bunch of things.
I finally asked her directly how much she inherited, and she refused to give a straight answer. Ooof, it’s probably a lot more than I thought with how rough that reaction was. Now when I’m thinking about all the recent times I’ve been “helping” her out financially, maybe I was helping someone who wasn’t being honest about even needing it. I also want to be transparent with her if/when I get an inheritance (unfortunately I am likely to be in this scenario within the next few years) but how can I do that when I’m kept in the dark on this? Am I just being greedy or something here? This seems like basic trust/ transparency stuff, and points at major structural issues…
TLDR: I’m the primary breadwinner, my partner inherited money and refuses to even tell me how much, it feels like a lack of transparency and a barrier to us building a life together after I have been generous for years.
Yeah this is exactly all that I want. An equal split would be a complete game changer and I would be able to catch back up on my finances and not feel like everything is spoken for before it even hits my bank account. That phrase “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” is probably a good way to phrase it, and I absolutely am not looking to usurp control in any way. Thanks, another solid reply here, you guys are great. Much better responses than what you’d find on reddit. I actually started writing an AITA and deleted my account halfway through, shoulda done it earlier.
I would strongly recommend you recognize and acknowledge the power imbalance you have over her in your relationship. It may be a factor in her responses. If you gain that understanding, you will be better prepared for those responses and understand the legitimacy of her reasons behind them. If you’re lucky enough to have your mom is still in your life, I’d recommend you talk to her for a mother’s perspective that you can trust.
One more item you raised in your original post:
You’re the breadwinner providing most of the monetary support in the home, but how are you valuing her very significant contribution with raising the child while you work. Are you valuing her work at less than 50%? Perhaps one method to recognize her contribution would be to price out how much child care would cost if she weren’t doing it, and recognize that as “income” she is providing. Does that help equal the 50-50 split you’re desiring?