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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-09-18 04:00:32+00:00.

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Patient-Lettuce-3983. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BORU is here. **New Update marked with *******

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: verbal abuse

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original Post: October 21, 2023

I (34F) met my (33M) husband online and got married 6 years ago. I moved from my home country to live with him in Japan since then. He is a Japanese and have a stable job there, in the other hand I am a freelance illustrator so I am okay to move here.

Everyday I use English with him, maybe you notice already but English is not my first language, so it is not perfect, so is my husband’s English, but at least we can communicate. I tried my best to learn Japanese to be able to communicate with his friends and family, but Japanese is not an easy language. I have to learn how to read Kanji, Hiragana, and Katakana from zero by myself.

During the covid (2020), we got money from the government and he bought me some books and dictionaries, telling me to learn the language more intensively during the lock down… He didnt teach me anything though, he said, since I could speak 4 languages, adding one more language should be easy for me.

I tried. But it is never good enough for him, he always said my grammar sucks. But I do always have problem with grammar, as you can see my English grammar sucks too…

He said I should be able to speak like a native at this point. So last year (summer 2022) I decided that I would get a part time job at a restaurant so that I can practice more of my Japanese. To my surprise, the staffs there like me and they can understand my Japanese, I also now could read and write several Kanjis (I could write my own address with Kanjis and read menus)

Last week, we have a family dinner with his family…. During the dinner, I made some grammar mistake which was not actually quite bad because everybody still understand what I was trying to say, but my husband says in front of my family, I was stupid for not understanding the correct grammar.

It makes me upset because he said it in front of everyone so I said in English “your English is not better than me; and you cant speak my language, why you call me stupid?”

He was so pissed off and wont talk to me since that day. AITA?

Edit:

He is not a bad guy, I love him so much. Just he is very outspoken. If he disliked something he would say it right away.

He never comment about my body or looks, but he is very sensitive about my skill… he often criticized my art style and other skill.

He said I am lazy…. There is no excuse not to master the language since I am living here for almost 6 years already.

Maybe this is me trying to defend myself but last year I got my N3 /JLPT (Japan Language Proficiency Test) Level 3 certification, he said it must be out of luck because my Japanese very rough. And he said I should have gotten the Level 1 already because I am here for so long….

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Nta, Your husband is an ahole though for sure. Even if you understand multiple languages doesn’t mean learning another is any easier. He definitely should’ve helped you too. I think what hindered you overall is not practicing. From the sound of it once you got that part time and was forced to speak more your Japanese improved. So honestly he should’ve spoken more Japanese at home. Also curious if he’s making any effort to speak your native tongue?

OOP: He said he doesnt need to learn my native language because we dont live there…. My parents doesnt speak english and Japanese so I beg him to at least try to communicate with my family but he said his brain has no capacity for that.

Commenter: NTA. This guy must be incredible in some way for you to put up with this disrespect and rudeness, but I can’t imagine what it is.

OOP: Maybe I am naive but he was my first love. I love him so much. He is kind sometimes just he is just brutally honest and unforgiving when speaking his mind. Just right now I am actually crying because he still not talking to me and tomorrow is my birthday

More info:

I am full Asian and sometimes mistaken as a Japanese… But aside from my husband, everybody never really complained about my Japanese…. Just when I moved to Japan they got confused a little but if I phrased something wrong…

You DO speak Japanese though, especially since people say they understand you:

He always says my Japanese sounds weird whenever I tried to communicate in Japanese with him and told me never use Japanese unless it is perfect… so that I have no confidence at all… I wait until the 5th year of living in Japan to find a part time Job because he said with my weird Japanese, I would not be able to work here…. He is very straightforward, he would speak his mind even if it upsets me. I noticed since I started working, the staffs and the people who come to the restaurant are really kind to me about my Japanese ability and never complaining about it. The manager even want me to be the full time employee there and he always gave me bonus every month for my hard work. But if I told my husband he would say “that just because most Japanese dont speak their mind, deep inside they think your Japanese sucks”

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: April 25, 2024 (6 months later)

My original post:

So, we got divorced. I think about it more and more and I feel like this 6 years has been hell for me… I am tired of keep on finding any reason to think that he is good for me.

I found a full time job in a Japanese company and started working there from last January. Everybody in my new company said I speak Japanese well. And so far I am doing great! I rent my own apartment and surviving by my own just fine in Tokyo. Albeit my ex husband saying that I would never be able to survive in Japan without him.

I have a crush on other guy, but I take it slowly.

Thank you for all of your comment to me. i am glad I posted here.

Edit: I use only Japanese in the company I work now and earn almost same amount with my ex husband despite just work here for 4 months. My crush now speak only japanese and we communicate just fine.

I am confident now!

Another long edit because I am surprised that I got so many responses:

Thank you so much for the comments and supports. Just to clarify, of course the reason of my divorce is not only because of the language thing…

I kept saying my ex was a good person (and I still think that he is a good person) but he is not treating me right.

There were a lot of things he had done to me that had harmed me physically and mentally.

Before I was with him, I was also doing modeling for side job. I took good care of myself, but after I married him, he said that my look didnt matter and he disliked me dressing up or putting on make up because thought as a married woman I should not attract other men. I did what he wanted and I kept telling myself “oh this man loves me the way I am no matter how I look…” but then I found out he was following sexy girls on instagram and twitter.

He never chatted them so I let it slide but I kept thinking about it. Especially since he never said anything positive about my look (basically he never said anything positive about my effort except for my cooking) I started to feel unconfident. I got depressed and had to take anti depressant then I gained 20 kgs in 6 years.

When I said he never said anything positive about my look/effort it didnt mean that he always said bad things about me, just he seems to be indifferent about it.

Now, after we got divorced, I dont have to take my anti depressant anymore. And I lost 15 kgs already… I started to talk to some guys until I met my crush right now.

I was surprised because my crush now always said that I look good and nice, he noticed when I changed my hair style or nail, saying I smell nice, and compliment me when I do good thing at work (my crush works in the same company with me).

The other people also said that I look super good now, and I look so much happier.

I want to show you my pictures so you can see the difference between when I was single, married, and became single again, but I know there is a chance some of you might recognize me…. And then would recognize who is my ex husband and it would cause problem for him.

Anyway, how I learned Japanese (and other languages) is by listening to some song, movies, or other people, then when I cant understand some word/phrase, I would find it in dictionary based on how I hear it. Then I have to guess how it is written so I can find the word in dictionary/translator. I prefer dictionary to translator though because when I open dictionary I will see many other words other than the one I am looking for and I may remember those words I accidentally find too…

After I find the…

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