I haven’t spoken to my father in almost two years, and it’s been a painful and complicated journey. One of the pivotal moments for me was on my wedding day. I didn’t receive any message from him—not even a simple acknowledgment. I had hoped to hear from him, and his silence cut deeply, making me realize how distant we had become.
I feel a lot of anger and sadness because it seems like we will never have the relationship I’ve always wanted. I long for a connection where he takes interest in my life and my choices, even when they differ from his own. Instead, I often feel dismissed or disregarded, especially when it comes to my boundaries. For example, whenever politics comes up, I feel disrespected because he tends to push against the limits I’ve tried to set.
There’s also a significant element of fear in our dynamic. I worry that if I attempt to rebuild our relationship, he might use his financial resources as a means of control over me and my family. This fear makes it hard for me to see a path forward that feels safe and genuine.
Right now, I’m in a space where I’m trying to determine IF or how I want to re-establish any sort of relationship with him. I want to find out if it’s possible for us to interact in a way that respects each other’s boundaries, takes a real interest in one another’s lives, and supports each other’s choices—even when we disagree. It’s a difficult and ongoing process, but I’m trying to be honest with myself about what I need and what I’m willing to work towards.
Why would you want to fix it if he constantly pushes your boundaries purposely? If he didn’t contact you on your wedding, was he invited? Did you ask him to come? That’s one thing. If you didn’t well, that’s kinda the precedence you set by not speaking to him, so why would he? You made a decision to stop talking to him based on your boundaries, either concede some of those boundaries or get used to it. My shitbag brother set strange boundaries when he had his kids and got real weird out of nowhere such as no TV for then kids ever, no video games like we grew up playing, no toy guns, he bought a cheap ass house in one of the worst hoods in my city and he NEVER let me take care of then kids by myself… prior to this I raised 2 girls with my ex that were her sisters, because she had a drug problem. I got married, I didn’t invite him but I also didn’t expect some sort of congratulations. Based off the conversation we had, he is out of my life and has been for 5 years. You gotta get off the fence and either make up or accept things for what they are, which is, the two of you are no longer compatible as humans. Once I accepted that, I’m fine, it goes away, just takes time.
I’m not OP, but I have similar issues. I ask myself this CONSTANTLY. There’s a part of me that is a hole that a proper, good father could fill. Obviously, I don’t have that and he never will, but I still crave it. Imagine being hungry and there’s the best food on the other side of the window and you can never have any. You’re still hungry and there’s a part of you that is pressing against that window, even though another part of you knows you can’t get into the store.
I understand but he isn’t a good father so he would never fill that role anyways. I was unfortunate enough to not have a father after age 10 due to him being a mentally ill alcoholic drug abusing monster, so I’m a little biased as my life only got better without him.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Because he’s my father and, naturally, I want a relationship where he will be a part of my life.
Yes, he was invited.
You hear sayings like “family is everything” all throughout your life, but it’s only partially true. There is an unspoken assumption that there is love within the family and to not let little things pull you apart.
That is not what you have here. He does not care about you in the way you do about him. As another commenter said, trying to have him live up to an ideal you have in your head will never work. He’s a square peg that you are trying to put into a round hole and every time you do it hurts and causes you emotional distress. He doesn’t feel that. It’s asymmetric.
So you have to ask yourself why you are holding on to him as a father if he is not willing to be one. It’s unfortunate but you may have to accept the reality that you don’t have one.
Then he chose not to reach out and your relationship in broken from his side. Ultimately it will be his decision if he wants to open that door back up. Who instigated the initial argument? Is this US politics related?
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