Not talking about being with one partner at a time. Talking about the idea of finding “the one” and being with them your whole life.
50% divorce rate. 97% of people (in the US) don’t wait till marriage, so most of us have multiple sexual partners prior to the one we stick with. Many have children with more than one partner.
How can anyone look at the world and think, yeah, there’s one that’s meant for everyone and just one?
Also hope I don’t come across disrespectful. If you do believe in monogamy, I am interested in hearing from you. I’m just buzzed and thinking about my own love life and being curt
Edit: Speaking to the idea that it’s the “natural order” or default. Not that it can’t work in individual circumstances, especially when we’ve been programmed for decades
That’s not monogamy, that’s a delusion.
Monogamy is “one partner at a given time”.
Even then it seems illogical to me tbh (internally inconsistent?), but at least it’s less rigid
How so?
If you date someone in Highschool, and then date someone in college after the highschool relationship ended how are you not monogamous?Oh the definition is fine, I just mean that it seems illogical to adhere to it dogmatically.
Like, ok I’ll try to come up with the best summation but bear with me lol. Basically, let’s say you’re with your current partner. You’ve been into other people in the past. So, logically, you’ll probably be into other people - at some level - in the future, right? That seems like a natural development to me.
So if it’s natural, why should we have the little fine print on all of our relationships that reads “If you’re into other people this contract is null and void?”
Am I making sense? Lol. Like I just mean that it’s natural to be attracted, in some way, to more than one person so why do we default to holding ourselves and our partners to the unnatural? In that way, I’m monogamous with one person at a time seems logically inconsistent to me. It accepts the existence of plurality of attraction, yet denies its engagement
the little fine print on all of our relationships that reads “If you’re into other people this contract is null and void?”
How do you define “being into them”? Looking and finding them attractive, or fucking them without your partner knowing?
Being into them is being attracted to them which, on an instinctual level, is wanting to fuck them
Edit: simplified, obviously, you can be attracted to someone in a more emotional way but some would argue that’s still wanting to mate or partner with them in some way
Oh gotcha! I think a lot of people are too jealous to pull off being poly. It takes a certain mindset to do it in a healthy manner. I guess what my opinion on it is is that there’s nothing bad about it but most people are bad at it.
I think I would struggle with it because I would feel the need to be there in all ways possible for all partners, but I don’t have the social energy to pull that off.
Not sure anybody thinks it’s a good idea to bond for life without some experience? It’s certainly not the default, and the roots of that sort of monogamy are dark as fuck, it was mostly only enforced on women in a really shitty manner.
But CHOOSING to be monogamous is reasonable. Especially if you have a good match, and enough experience to know it’s a good match. It’s still fun, and less risk of disease. If there was no STI risk I don’t think it would be so popular though. Some combination of a solid long term partner and some degree of freedom for swinging or occasional fun would be less of a threat and more just some fun.
I don’t think divorce/breakup is usually just because someone wants to be more sexually free though? It’s more like relationship problems cause sex life problems and relationship problems cause divorce or breakups.
I guess I’ll bite.
I’ve been with my wife since high school and we married after 7 years. So all-in-all, in total we’ve been together 16 years and have one kid. After all of the time invested and my age now, having more than one partner sounds exhausting.
If I was able to do it over differently, I don’t think I would. I grew up catholic, so the idea of monogamy was part of my upbringing. But having had access to the early internet I was exposed to just about anything you could imagine. Having read and listened to many people talk about poly relationships in my younger years, while enticing to have more than one partner, it still sounded harder to deal with or navigate than one person.
Similar boat - wife and I dated in high school, broke up, ended up at the same college later on and now we’re married with two kids (going on 15 years together).
I married my best friend and I don’t need to worry about any weird landmines. No regrets.
My first several relationships were just trial and error of figuring out what works. I ended up meeting a widower and we both knew exactly what we wanted and expected in a partner and expressed it clearly to each other. We moved in together after just a few months and have enjoyed a beautiful life together.
“The One” is just a person that you can be happy with because you express your needs and they meet them, and they express their needs and you meet them. And you’re both willing to put in the work to get through the times when needs can’t be met.
I’ve dated a decent number of men and women now, and I started dating this guy that just felt…right. He’s the most thoughtful person I’ve ever met. He makes me strive to be a better person even when he’s not around. Even when he doesn’t realize I’m looking at him, he treats strangers and friends with kindness. He has a wonderful spirit.
We clicked really well, and I just don’t feel this way with anyone else, even when I was dating them at the time. I never want anyone else but him.
The thing I figured out is that yes, there are certainly others out there that could be potential partners or friends. I’m sure there are lots. But in decades of friendships and relationships, I have yet to come across anyone quite like this. He’s in a different class altogether. :)
2 partners seems like too many and 0 too few
Fair enough have you tried 1.5?
Well, I just recently got married in July. We’d been together for 5 years before that point, we survived COVID in a rather stress inducing state.
- My wife works in banking, with secrecy requirements. I work in AV, testing equipment that records everything it sees and hears. We couldn’t even be within earshot of each other. She was forced to work in her bed and I was forced to take up half the living room with 2 baker’s racks of AV equipment. Still went through those two years being able to look back fondly at being able to take a five minute break to scream into a pillow and get a hug after a particularly stressful problem, meeting, or office politics.
I completely understand where you’re coming from, but just like how you can’t imagine a partner you want to spend the rest of your life with. I cannot imagine someone ever replacing my wife, and I don’t even want to entertain the notion of losing her.
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well what if it’s insert_celebrity_crush_here?
-- that’s not my wife, not interested -
well what if it’s your wife but she never says no to you?
-- that doesn’t sound like my wife at all, I’m not interested
We just mesh incredibly well. We both grew up in problematic households with a disdain for our parents. We both grew up poor. We both care more about financial security and safety than trying to get it all. I feel like we’re a team, at all times. Not having her beside me would be like playing football with only half the players.
I will say, this is gonna sound weird but stick with me. Don’t… don’t chase a monogamous relationship.
I think too many people get hooked on this idea that you must have a partner. You must marry before you hit 35. You must fuck before you hit 19. Just don’t think so hard about it. Geography, life events, mistakes, opportunities, are all at place with literally everyone at all times. COVID especially through a wrench in every life plan in America. I feel so bad for anyone who hadn’t gone through college yet. Just… find enjoyment where you can and balance that with building your future and if both those points can be met with the same activity. DO IT. Whether it’s a partner that you can’t live without and you wanna keep, or a group you can’t live without. You need both those points in life. Do whatever makes sense.
it’s not for everyone and certainly shouldn’t be seen as the default or indoctrinated into people from a young age like it is right now. that being said, i’m very happily monogamous and couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Hey OP, instead of stating in the post body that you are referring to the concept of “the one”, why not just simply change your post title to say “the one” rather than “monogamy?”
The divorce rate is high because of a small percentage of serial monogamists. Most first marriages don’t end in divorce.
So I’m a queer woman and I swear ALL OF MY FRIENDS are some level of poly. Which, rock on! Good for them! But my GF and I are happily monogamous and can’t imagine a future where we open it up. I have no shade, I’ve read the poly books, watched the open relationships YouTube and listened to the theroy, I totally understand where they are coming from and why it works for people. The divorce rate is a good enough example as any for why it makes people happy. Monogamy is not something to enforced or expected of people, clearly it isn’t working for most folk.
But I also know any thing more than 1 partner just sounds STRESSFUL. Like, I always work myself up wondering if I am messing up ONE relationship, idk how y’all do it with multiple people to worry about. 😂
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