For example, moving around in my own country (UK) I’ve found it difficult to settle, lay roots and build a solid social bubble. I think a factor is that people are usually in well established families and social bubbles by this age (mid 30s).
Another factor specific to the UK is that friends/family are usually fairly commutable wherever you are. I imagine this is different with the US, in that if you move state you are fairly isolated, and so there’s more emphasis for building new social foundations perhaps?
I wonder if it’s like this as an expat? You are, along with most other expats, having to build a new. Doesn’t this lend itself to an easier social building experience? Well, with other fellow expats at least. I guess building it with locals is another challenge completely.
Or am I being naive? Is it just as difficult to “gain entry” into such communities? Again, I guess it varies on location, but I’d be interested to hear your experience.
Yes and no. It’s easier, I think, within the immigrant communities for immigrants to make friends, because we’re all bonded by the same pain - it’s hard to make friends in new cultures!
I have a few Irish friends, but most of my friends have come from immigrant groups - Facebook and Reddit groups for Americans in Ireland, mostly.
It’s easy to make fast friends with other expats in those usual expat bubbles (Asia, Middle East etc) but it’s really hard to make friends with locals who live where they have grown up.
Last time I moved to another country for work, I found it very handy using a website aimed at anglophone expats to that country. Regular weekly social meetups, and many of the regular attendees had already been in that country several years and had picked up language skills and had local friends. So not only was I able to ease the ‘culture shock’ of being mostly unable to communicate with most locals I met, but these ‘long-termers’ were very helpful giving various tips on how to integrate quicker, how to get through various bureaucratic procedures and also introduce me to a few cool locals as well.
I’ve always been very social and easily made friends living in the 6+ cities I’ve lived in my life. My recent move has been the most difficult socially, and has been confirmed by close friends in similar situations; the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. Your time and interests condense, which isn’t bad it just means you have figured out what you really want to prioritize, but that creates more gaps for social relationships. I’m more interested in traveling to maintain my strong relationships, which means less time dedicated to building ones where I’m at. The older you are, the more likely to have more significant stake in work and family so less flexibility to be social, etc.
Yeah and for me at least my job its intense so I am just too fucked at the end of the day to care about socialising especially with new people anyway.
If you’re in an international city, easier. Other expats are in the same boat as you and you immediately have something in common, you’re interesting to the locals based on your nationality alone and many of the locals probably migrated to the major city from the countryside for work/school so are not in their childhood cliques.
I don’t know about if you move to a smaller city or town though.
I think it can be easier if you are living with other expats as everyone is in the same boat and want to connect with someone so why not other expats, it ususally happens like that.
It’s harder to click immediately and find common ground, and it’s harder to feel like you belong, but it’s also easier to build a social group over time because nobody has any preconceptions about you based on the type of person you are, they see you as a set of stereotypes maybe but besides that they have to get to know you as you are.
Back home based on accent, clothing style, energy, hometown, people can have a wide and deep set of preconceptions, and can sunconsciously dislike you for a variety of reasons around that, along with not needing friends because they already have some, and family, and a sense of community.
It varies hugely by the location and culture. I have been blessed to have built a small but solid network of friends in my new country, and I feel the friendships are deeper for not being so “English”. My closest friends are natives, and they are very protective of me. I also have a wider circle of connections to socialise with, but who I’m not so close to. I feel truly blessed.
It is not just as difficult to “gain entry”, it’s more difficult.
Don’t get me wrong: for the most part I have been able to find friends abroad. I have good friends from all over the world, and certainly living in transient communities is conducive to finding others who also need new friends. IME there are lovely, friendly people everywhere.
However, there is something to be said for having a shared culture, socialization norms, and understanding for one another. Making friends in your mid-20s and beyond is difficult anywhere, but add in differences in culture, lifestyle, social subtleties and more, and suddenly you’re on challenge mode. Plus, you are likely dealing with additional stress/obligations such as learning a new language, a different (and demanding) work environment, and so on, such that you are too tired to even bother socializing at the end of the day.
It’s easier to do something unexpected and unusual in a new environment, like starting a new hobby or joining an organization to make new friends. You’ll feel less impeded by existing habits and people around you. Do it within weeks of moving, before you established any new habits. Cities with international institutions and companies are easier to meet people open to new connections.
If the larger issue is you having trouble to connect with others, you’ll need look inside yourself, perhaps with the help of a therapist, because you will eventually meet your old self again.