Recent developments in US politics… naturalized citizens like me might be at risk…
So… anyways… it got me thinking a lot…
Like… there’s this alternate timelime where I never got to learned English… cuz the only reason I know this language is cuz I came to the US.
This language has been part of my identity since… like most of the life I remember…
So I have aunts and cousins in China that are still on an immigration backlog, and they’ve been on waitlist for like a decade, they’re probably adults now, I think, no idea if they still are considered a dependent to come with the aunts (my mother’s sisters) as they are he primary beneficiaries of the visa application, dependents are derivatives… so if they are over 21, idk if they’re still allowed to come to the US, not a lawyer…
but the again, not sure if they will ultimately even decide to come, considering… it’s a lot to move countries… I remember feeling anxious when I first got here, and also it’s not the 2010s anymore, its 2025, lots has changed, those cousins probably got used to growing up over there…
Okay I sound like I’m rambling…
but my point is, this got me thinking about myself
like… what if I was never here… like… I was there in China all this time…
Who the hell am I?
What is this weird timeline… why am I here?
Like I feel like everytime something happens in life, I’m always gonna obsess about that point in the timeline where the timeline diverges on two different timelines.
Feels so weird to say I’m “American”
It’s just a paper that can be revoked at anytime, like when constitutionalism breaks down, like… glances at the news
Yeah, once ones national identity is at risk of being revoked, despite that being the only nation you know, I can see that shaking up the foundation quite a bit. So the question then is, which other aspects of your life makes you american? I would assume that your social group is part of it? Also, being ethnically Chinese, do you feel any connection to China past your heritage?
I feel American as in the spirt of anti-authoritarianism… or what being American was supposed to be.
As in the Abolitionism, the Sufferage movement, Civil Rights movement, various workers rights strikes, protests, the George Floyd Protests, resisting injustice.
And even right now, there are still people trying to protect immigrants from ice.
Tha sort of spirit.
Or I guess I should actually identify as more of a Democrat (as in believer of Democracy, not the politcial party), more of an internationalist, “Word Citizen”, but unfortunately, there is no such thing as “World Citizen” irl, you have to pick a nationality in practice to even be a part of anything.
As for China…
idk I feel like people just take too much of the government’s shit and doen’t do much about it… like c’mon wheres the 1911 spirit? (1911 is when they overthrew the monarchy)
The whole culture around mental health sucks… there’s no mental health awareless…
lots of ableism… (there’s no ADA equivalent as far as I know)
If I have to pick a place with Chinese-adjacent culture, I rather be Taiwanese tbh, or a Hong Konger, at least before they did the National Security Law thing, actually since I speak Cantonese, I would fit in there a lot if I pick up some vocabulary. Or Singapore. But it’s still Asia… mental health is so stigmitized.
I actually want to live in a “China” without the bad sides of China, know what I mean?
As in, a place with people that look like me, but fuse it with some of the American anti-authoritarian spirit, and more mental health awareness, less conservatism, more open minded, less ableist. China really needs some more anti-authoritarian mindset, needing a VPN to watch stuff is just crazy, like by now I’m so used to the western internet.
Like…
I look up some random threads using Baidu search engine, and I stuggle understanding the Chinese internet and their slangs, don’t understand their vibes at all.
But like on the other hand… Reddit and now Lemmy, I understand the vibes here much better, know what I mean.
Like if I was Chinese-Chinese, I wouldn’t really understand the vibes here and would probably feel like I don’t belong, and therefore not be participating here, even if I had somehow learned English.
(sorry if its incoherent)
“feel American as in the spirt of anti-authoritarianism… or what being American was supposed to be“
I don’t know what is the bigger shock… that it isn’t (and likely never was)
Or.
that it happened so fast and has been so readily accepted.
I’m not American but I feel the sadness.
From what you speak, you don’t seem to have tended to your cultural / spiritual roots.
Solution is simple, to reestablish connection and to create bridges.
Visit your family in China. Speak, eat, breathe, talk, exist as a Chinese person with all the meaning that it entails.
But don’t disregard the identity you acquired. You chose a path, you gained a long series of memories, turn that into wisdom and utilize it in your future.
Too much focus on things from a westerners perspective you have. That’s what holds you back. Gain the perspectives of a Chinese person, and merge it together to be a wholer you.