I’m just a bit heartbroken and could do with some support.
My partner and I met in a country that we both are not from (I’ve been here for most of my life, but it is notoriously difficult to get permanent residency here so I am on a work visa). We’ve been dating for a year and he’s everything I’ve wanted, and more.
We’ve had a couple of difficult conversations over the last few days and have realised that there’s no way to make this relationship work. I want to move to a country that he has no interest in going to, and vice versa.
I don’t know how to deal with the pain of knowing that this was the right person, just the wrong time. On top of that, is this my fate as an expat? Should I only date once I know where I want to “settle down”, so to speak?
No. Go on with open eyes and heart, but be prepared on compromise.
I been almost 10 years in relationship, and always waiting something to be done so we can move out of that country. In end we broke up. I did move, and move around and in one of them meet my wife. There was decision made that we will move for her,as she has work that she is good in and I am ok to move around. We do chat and see what is best for us both. Also I can say that I believe we are happy
You’ll be fine, Prickly Vagina. Your head is the right place and you have your priorities right imo. At the end of the day, if you lose yourself in someone else’s plans you will end up resenting them, and break up anyway. I believe that long term dating requires some sacrifice, however the other person must want to meet you halfway. Not only you doing the sacrificing.
I didn’t expect that HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA 😭
Keep going. You only need one.
Dating in general is just tough. Don’t give up. There’s someone somewhere for you.
maybe this is one for r/relationship_advice
There is no right or wrong answer here. I have been where you are and it’s world-shattering. Especially when it’s something as simple as geographic location that’s the problem.
Having seen this happen a few times, I have to ask, are you two getting too far ahead of yourselves? Are you both that set on your future homes? Is this something that’s going to happen in the near future or 5-10 years down the road? Reason I’m asking is that I’ve seen people make these decisions prematurely, only to realize of they had seen it through, a couple years down the road they would have been aligned.
As for dating in general, there are never any guarantees. Meeting the right person wrong at the wrong time can occur regardless of whether or not you’re expats. It just has a higher probability if one or both of you are in a transitional phase. Does that mean you should put your dating life on hold? No, because you never know who you’re going to meet and whether or not it works out.
should I only date when I know where I want to settle down?
This seems obvious to me? I mean, casual dating knowing that it’s nothing serious sure, but you can’t even contemplate anything serious if you know that in X months/years time you’re gonna want to move away. You may find someone that would come with you, but if you’re dating a local they are likely to want to stay where they are…
I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through. I can only imagine how difficult that would be.
I’ll be honest with you and say I don’t think that there’s any such thing as the right person, but the wrong time. The only time we have is now, so if it’s not the right time it’s not the right person.
Jesus, it’s not the end of the world my dear. if at least one of u cannot sacrifice for the relationship to work, then stop. move on. it’s not meant to be. u will soon find another and maybe that time it can work 😉
There are 4 billion people of the opposite sex on this world
What country? Better not be some shithole!
in similar situation. it happens.
yes. I lost someone due to moving to a country.
I planned to date only local (which many people think I am fetishing). And problem is, local also might have plan to settle outside the country ( one of reason they date foreigners).
Now I am with someone from same homecountry that plan to settle atleast until retirement age in the same foreign country.
Yes when start dating, ask where do you see yourself growing old?
Why don’t you want to give it a try? See if you might like the country he is going to?
I met my partner in a country we both are not from. I got PR before moving so slight difference there, my partner was on a work visa and once it ran out, we did long distance for a year and a half. We are now moving back to my home country. I would definitely move to his country if that’s what he wants.
He is not at a place where he’s making plans with us in mind. And he’s told me several times that I should not be doing that either.
Feels like a pretty clear sign that the relationship has run its course. I would’ve been happy to meet him halfway, but was starting to feel like I was the only one willing to put in the effort.
…that’s not at all what you wrote in your original post…
That seems similar to my situation. My partner was not ready to commit to a place, I was not in his future plan and I couldn’t move at the time (waiting for citizenship), hence why we did long distance. We practically took a break there while he went back home as his work visa ran out and he didn’t want me to sponsor him.
I believe if it is meant to be, it will be. We continued keeping in touch and took turns visiting each other for a year and a half. We weren’t interested in dating other people so it was ok.
Then we decided it’s time to have a baby and planned our next move. My son is now 6 months old and we are moving back to my country. We have about 4-5 years before our baby goes to school to decide where to settle so plenty of time.
Dating while living abroad is very weird when you’re not settled.
I met a lot of people who met in a third country different from each other. Some it works (Americans and Canadians flipping between the two), while some it’s mo e difficult (Brazilian and German friends LIKE Korea, but don’t love it, and don’t care too much for each other’s home county).
I dated two fellow American girls and they both almost immediately wanted to make plans to go back to America… I was bouncing between countries and never in one place longer than a few months doing work I loved that I can’t just pop back to America and do immediately. Plus I was having the time of my life.
I learned it’s important to have that conversation if you want a serious relationship, early, and not to just assume it’ll all work out, or you’ll fix it one day when the time comes. This post is proof that time can indeed become for nothing.
I’m a guy so a bit less pressure from family and hormones, but I was once all about finding a good partner and settling somewhere. Seeing my own struggles and those of others, I decided to casually date with no intention or pressure for longevity.
Those were the best relationships, and oddly caught feelings for more than one (NO this wasn’t multiple women at once. Over a span of time, if feelings got too much we’d end things, which always happened). I learned a lot about myself and that I probably am not marriage material, although I can appear as such to some people.
Saying that to say, who knows that OP’s guy has been thinking internally. When it comes to thinking of planting down, thoughts of what you’re giving up is natural. Maybe he thought of his friends way too much, without thinking they can visit each other and make those now more rare occasions big ordeals. When I used to fly home, my friends went all out with catchup parties. I eventually moved back and hardly see them even though we live within an hour. He may just realize that choosing his friends was a mistake and it’s too late.
Tiny respectful devils advocate time though, the relationship, all things considered, may not have been what he saw being a permanent thing. We only have one POV. Doesn’t have to mean OP is the problem or anything, just don’t know what he’s thinking (maybe family but doesn’t want to admit he’ll miss mom and dad. It happens!)