for starters i would like to say im a rich (not personally bougie, my family doesnt own businesses but im certainly rich) kid from semi periphery(?) vassal state, still in school. my life is not actually hard in any way and it kind of embarrasses me to rant about emotions when my situation is not that serious.
but my school is so neoliberal bougie with that insidious ‘human rights’ pretext that shoves atrocity propaganda slop particularly about AES down my throat and as a certified china enjoyer uh. well i had a bit of a meltdown in school today because my China booklet for my history course cites frank dikotter, masturbates to all sorts of . nonsensical ideas about women suffering even More because of Evil Oriental Gommunism, generally very . makes me fucking crazy (dalai lama tangent in there somewhere too) and im also autistic and i think i just dont get along well with humans because i started fucking weeping and screaming because Like Im So Fucking Crazy In Here. borderline straight up fash rich kids, rich kids with hitlerite particles in there like me that could get so close to figuring it out and then Dont, kids like me who maybe do want to get better and help the world but feel bogged down by slog of life, and still have that hitlerite particle in them and dont know how to get it out
i feel really embarrassed about my breakdown because it got a bit public and i was screaming to my friends who honestly dont rlly fw my politics (i talk to like, one about ml and the state of the world, and it freaked her out so bad she had a panic attack, and i was trying to be hopeful but also for us of different class interests it scares her more than it helps her, and she’s empathetic and niceys so like. oh my god im fucking losing it) and like. OH MY GOD STOP FUCKING LYING ABOUT CHINA. STOP INSINUATING MAO FUCKING KILLED THE UYGHUR DELEGATE. STOP CITING FRANK DIKOTTER. STOP OPENLY EQUATING MAO TO ADOLF HITLER. I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE (my life is not bad and i’m sorry to rant like this) i feel very alone
i would like to say im a rich
what makes you think that? your family are landlords of many properties? you can travel anywhere without money being the issue? feeling rich isn’t the same as being rich
i feel really embarrassed about my breakdown
i understand that you were kinda passionate in your defense of china, sometimes we can’t help try to make a discussion when propaganda so on the face is present and going full marx against lasalle…i’d recommend try to keep calm and avoid look triggered, that makes the fascists happier
It’s really… very tough, to not be so outspoken when the world is so accepting of this nonsense. I think we all empathise with the frustration. And there’s a big difference between being bougie / materially privileged and actually having a good life. Your struggles are still valid comrade.
I hope things get a bit more bearable.
thanks so much, the empathy i’ve received has been kind of staggering
this is really kind… again, it’s hard not to feel so nuts when everyone else is crazy in a different way. i’m aware everyone feels this way it’s just kind of that i feel a bit more atomized being a minor, but seeing how other comrades always also have to deal with “holy shit, there’s no way i have to appeal to THESE positions, that these are the positions most people in the imperial core hold” makes me feel very much less alone
re your second point yeah haha omg… initially i was so paralyzed about my class because i was also unaware of my exact standing but firstly realizing guilt without action is literally worse than nothing helped motivate me to dive further into reading and trying to help educate others + yeah, it’s nothing shameful about being comfortable when that’s where i want everyone to be, socialism isn’t this crude idea of leveling down as losurdo(???) said!! anyways… thank you for being so niceys. thank you for being so niceys x2. :,)
I have meltdowns all the time due to politics because I can’t just ignore it when people repeat dangerous propaganda. Having to be in school and see your own peers be indoctrinated with that shit is meltdown worthy.
Meltdowns don’t help much with convincing people, but we can’t always be the perfect communicator. When you are surrounded by enemies it’s important to be patient with yourself when you lose control a little bit. And venting is a great way to process your feelings so I’m happy you’re here comrade.
it’s nice to know i’m not alone, because i feel pretty atomized and so it’s hard to remember that there are other people in such situations who can’t take the duress of this, and i’m not just living in some sort of terrible nightmare, completely confused as to what is real. that bit of empathy is really valuable to me, and yeah, schooling kind of fucking sucks, on top of all the other societal pressures it creates it’s just utter deception in these places so like. aghhh
Meltdowns don’t help much with convincing people, but we can’t always be the perfect communicator. When you are surrounded by enemies it’s important to be patient with yourself when you lose control a little bit. And venting is a great way to process your feelings so I’m happy you’re here comrade.
me when i sniffle and cry because this is such a niceys and empathetic remark as well. yes, i’m a bit abashed that my episode did not get me anywhere and didn’t convey a point, but yeah, i do feel a lot of the time i’m surrounded by enemies (and i am. lol), and i will try to be kind about this because it is untenable, it is unpleasant, it is a bizarre experience. thank you for letting me vent and thank you for calling me a comrade, i really am so appreciative
Any time 😌
Speaking of process… Our development in any area is a process. We’re never where we want to be, since there’s always new awareness, new goals. What we can recognize is our growth, strengths and weaknesses, eg where to sharpen, where to refine. Also being patient but honest with ourselves.
hehe true dat. ruthless criticism of all that exists and all that. at least i’m learning from this experience yanno
🏵️
You’re not ridiculous comrade, they are. These mindless, soulless, propagandized husks that represent the spawn of the petit bourgeoisie will get what they deserve one day.
hell ya brother. some days i veer between hating everyone here and trying to remember that i should try my best to help anyone i can, at the least try to disabuse them of the bastardized idea of socialism they know, but on the other hand you do appreciate how… no i shan’t say. either way, if i choose empathy or just to try to charge through these years without going fucking nuts, i do like to remember it is more ridiculous what they’re espousing (the allowance of capitalism to continue to run free and unfettered and trample the land) than what i (well MLs) espouse (maybe we Shouldn’t nuke china, maybe we Shouldn’t love imperialist ghouls)
Solidarity, comrade
tank you very much… :,)
That sounds pretty horrible. I hope you find a way to make your way through all that without breaking down again. Hang in there.
thanks, i can promise i will try my best haha. for school my goals are weird because i’m not certain what i want my future to be (definitely not helping destroy the planet, though, i want to do something or be somewhere where i have less negative effects than positive ones and i want to be a progressive figure and participate in the historically progressive moment of building socialism, but that’s so … Open and vague that i don’t know where to start, or what that means for the effort i put in now to my academics, which i dont respect at all), and i foresee that this conflict will probably (as it has been for the last few years, this isnt anything new) cause more episodes, but, yeah, i will hang in there. it’s nice remembering the science of socialism is eternal, and that there are people (however far away they are) on the internet who are kindred . thank yous :]
oh man that really sucks do you have some spare change? /j
i’m glad that you manage to not be a bougie kid growing up in that place, you should be proud of that
yeah man uhh here
(my pockets are so empty and this is the only thing i have and i just stole it from one of you)lol thanks. in reality it’s kind of very hard to maintain this emotionally. by know i know, and cannot even delude myself into believing otherwise, that if there’s any viable future it has to come through building a socialist/ML society, but also i feel very paralyzed due to my position right now and can’t take this long assault on my mental in this school (again, i’m deeply grateful for all that i have outside of that, but still).
i am not going to be able to agitate almost anyone in my school, they either know their class interests do not fall this way, or are empathetic yet disbelieving in socialism or still afraid of what they will lose (the latter is honestly not unforgivable, self preservation is a natural instinct, but it’s also true that if we let this continue our situation will dissolve, all of us, and that is what everyone is so afraid of facing–also, from a non-selfish standpoint, it’s really just simple that none of this should be happening, capitalism is a nightmare) but it makes me feel sorrowful because while i do have a modicum of what i would classify as class consciousness… it’s not as if i’m doing any praxis, or that i believe there’s any viable options right now.
i am very critical of liberal cognitive dissonance, but i am acutely aware of why and how people rely on it because i did. i fear one day i might backslide into that opium, believing the providence of the free market will save us all, but more than that sometimes i selfishly fear what i know to be true–the cat’s out of the bag, i can never return to that ignorance–and therein lies the dilemma
with that in mind thank you for the vote of confidence comrade. i’m really trying and i hope being on this site helps me grow and find new possibilities as a fledgling Carl Marks (491 morbillion dead, no iPhone) Acolyte
