for starters i would like to say im a rich (not personally bougie, my family doesnt own businesses but im certainly rich) kid from semi periphery(?) vassal state, still in school. my life is not actually hard in any way and it kind of embarrasses me to rant about emotions when my situation is not that serious.
but my school is so neoliberal bougie with that insidious ‘human rights’ pretext that shoves atrocity propaganda slop particularly about AES down my throat and as a certified china enjoyer uh. well i had a bit of a meltdown in school today because my China booklet for my history course cites frank dikotter, masturbates to all sorts of . nonsensical ideas about women suffering even More because of Evil Oriental Gommunism, generally very . makes me fucking crazy (dalai lama tangent in there somewhere too) and im also autistic and i think i just dont get along well with humans because i started fucking weeping and screaming because Like Im So Fucking Crazy In Here. borderline straight up fash rich kids, rich kids with hitlerite particles in there like me that could get so close to figuring it out and then Dont, kids like me who maybe do want to get better and help the world but feel bogged down by slog of life, and still have that hitlerite particle in them and dont know how to get it out
i feel really embarrassed about my breakdown because it got a bit public and i was screaming to my friends who honestly dont rlly fw my politics (i talk to like, one about ml and the state of the world, and it freaked her out so bad she had a panic attack, and i was trying to be hopeful but also for us of different class interests it scares her more than it helps her, and she’s empathetic and niceys so like. oh my god im fucking losing it) and like. OH MY GOD STOP FUCKING LYING ABOUT CHINA. STOP INSINUATING MAO FUCKING KILLED THE UYGHUR DELEGATE. STOP CITING FRANK DIKOTTER. STOP OPENLY EQUATING MAO TO ADOLF HITLER. I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE (my life is not bad and i’m sorry to rant like this) i feel very alone
yeah man uhh here
(my pockets are so empty and this is the only thing i have and i just stole it from one of you)
lol thanks. in reality it’s kind of very hard to maintain this emotionally. by know i know, and cannot even delude myself into believing otherwise, that if there’s any viable future it has to come through building a socialist/ML society, but also i feel very paralyzed due to my position right now and can’t take this long assault on my mental in this school (again, i’m deeply grateful for all that i have outside of that, but still).
i am not going to be able to agitate almost anyone in my school, they either know their class interests do not fall this way, or are empathetic yet disbelieving in socialism or still afraid of what they will lose (the latter is honestly not unforgivable, self preservation is a natural instinct, but it’s also true that if we let this continue our situation will dissolve, all of us, and that is what everyone is so afraid of facing–also, from a non-selfish standpoint, it’s really just simple that none of this should be happening, capitalism is a nightmare) but it makes me feel sorrowful because while i do have a modicum of what i would classify as class consciousness… it’s not as if i’m doing any praxis, or that i believe there’s any viable options right now.
i am very critical of liberal cognitive dissonance, but i am acutely aware of why and how people rely on it because i did. i fear one day i might backslide into that opium, believing the providence of the free market will save us all, but more than that sometimes i selfishly fear what i know to be true–the cat’s out of the bag, i can never return to that ignorance–and therein lies the dilemma
with that in mind thank you for the vote of confidence comrade. i’m really trying and i hope being on this site helps me grow and find new possibilities as a fledgling Carl Marks (491 morbillion dead, no iPhone) Acolyte