So, I’m in a long-term relationship with my loving partner, and everything is good, except for the matters of sex. Suffice it to say, one partner (male) has a very overwhelming sexual drive, while the other (female) needs sex like once a month (and it has always been so throughout life). Partners are monogamous and do not explore options of having a third party.
Can any good advice be derived for such cases? Is there something that can be done to improve things on each side? I would love to hear your advice.
So, here’s the deal with monogamy: when partners insist on monogamy, the implicit corollary is that both necessarily assume full responsibility for their partner’s sexual satisfaction. Too many people overlook the GGG aspect; they want the mental ease of monogamy without putting in the <ahem> hard work.
That’s a lot of words to say: I got nothing to offer that lines up precisely with your question. The partner with lower sex drive invariably gets exactly what they want while the partner with higher sex drive must remain unsatisfied. I have experience on both sides of this issue, and compromise is critical to all interpersonal dynamics.
Empathy by way of anecdote: my partner of eight years (female) wants sex about two to five times per day. I (male) have bandwidth and libido for once, maybe twice, a day. So… she gets a lot of cunnilingus. When she was undergoing chemotherapy, she had vaginal tenderness and dryness that made PIV sex and cunnilingus uncomfortable for her. But she wanted to be there for me. So there was a lot of jerking off in her mouth and using her ass cheeks as a fleshlight.
Much like polyamory/ENM, monogamy requires a lot of Jedi Master level communication. But without the mind tricks.
True; and Jesus Christ, 2-5 times a day is too much even for me lol
We’re working out the options, but the problem is I need to know my partner is genuinely enthusiastic, which is hard when the difference in libido is so big.
But there are attempts on both sides to bridge the gap. I appreciate her efforts and communication.
Also, hoping your partner is doing alright now!
Jesus Christ, 2-5 times
The perimenopause has been brutal on me. :D She’s doing great, thanks, been in remission for two years.
I was ok with my once a week guy, sexually frustrated but sex isn’t the only reason you are together, some is better than none.
When it became none I got too frustrated and after 5 years with no sex cheated so - not well, is how I dealt with it.
But when it was just less than I wanted but regular, mostly what happened was I wouldn’t do much for him, like could not do oral, because if he got off that was it for the week.
I guess I don’t have constructive tips, but I guess at least an example of how NOT to handle it - please communicate, communicate, communicate.
Now I am with a guy who wants every day, and we compromise up not down, meaning if either of us wants sex we do it, that only works because we both want it pretty much all the time.
Glad you sorted it out in some way, even if your path included things you’re not proud of!
I have a much higher sex drive than my wife. We have been married 21 years. I want sex two to three times a week, she doesn’t think about it at all and will happily not have sex for a couple of months.
Just because she doesn’t need it or think about it doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy it when it happens.
Communicate a lot. Not just when you want sex, all the time about everything. Make her feel part of your life. Be close, emotionally and physically, without always initiating. When you are having sex, make sure her needs are met, preferably before your own. Become a generous and giving lover.
Let her know how you feel after sex.
Doing this has meant that my wife is more attuned to the way I am feeling and more relaxed and likely to agree to sex.
Just because she doesn’t need it or think about it doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy it when it happens
True! She does enjoy actual sex, but often finds it hard to initiate, to get to that edge after which primal takes over.
We do have a lot of communication, and I make sure to share love without always preying on her lol. Though it gets complicated sometimes - regardless of her drive.
I also focus on her pleasure and reduce her anxieties about the receptive role as she often looked at sex as a sort of chore to please the man.
Mine is like that too with a bunch of things. No food ever sounds good until she starts eating.
Same with sex. But after a few minutes of rubbing her back or other physical intimacy, she’s hungry for more.
We were in the same situation and tried many things.
After years, we reconsidered the idea of non-monogamy. With a lot of communication, honesty, and clear boundaries (no polyamory, no relationships with mutual friends, strict STI prevention, etc.), it turned out to be our solution.
Now, it’s no longer a source of tension in our relationship, and I have one more hobby.
I’m not saying it’s the solution for all couples. But it’s always worth discussing things we thought were set in stone.
True!
Though I’m very worried about the fact that such a switch often comes as a slippery slope. It sure takes a LOT of communication and reassurance to get going, and if something isn’t done just right, it can collapse the relationship altogether, rotting mutual trust. The anxiety about this alone may actually ruin any sort of practical realization on my end.
Besides, I’m not sure I can find all that many people so sexy in the first place. There are things I want to try which are not possible with her, like, the simplest of things, trying an actual dick, but I’d be hard pressed to find someone I’d be horny enough for. With all my drive, I’m quite sexually loyal, it seems.
Meh, there’s a lot of ways to dress it up but it boils down to:
Have sex more or the partner with the higher sex drive will feel neglected. This doesn’t necessarily mean PIV sex, but sexuality is a part of being human and isn’t something that anyone should have to sacrifice.
It’s kind of an unavoidable reality and people will beat around the bush about it, but sex or lack thereof can make a bad relationship or break a good one.
No matter how you dress it up, one partner isn’t having their needs met.
Tangential and purely personal experience, but the sex stopping in a relationship has always been a surefire indicator of underlying problems, in my experience.
It’s also just an inherit problem with monogamy I feel “You can’t have sex with anyone else ever”
“Ok can we have sex”
“No”While not having sex regularly may indeed be a sort of neglect for the powerful love language, forcing yourself to have it rings of abuse.
Besides, I simply don’t enjoy it if my partner is not enthusiastic - and I know when she isn’t as she tried this before.
This is pretty much why I look into options on how to improve things on either side.
As per monogamy - I feel that to most this is not a matter of limitation per se, but something about feeling special, being the only person allowed to something sacred. And from that perspective, I love the fact she’s monogamous and respect that she expects the same for me. While she may not be the most sexually active partner on the planet, she still enjoys knowing it’s her who gets the prize.
One thing to investigate is getting both of your hormones checked. Identifying and treating issues like thyroid, low or high testosterone, low or high estradiol/progesterone, etc. While it hasn’t completely aligned the mismatch it has been an overall improvement and helped give perspective. Granted, it might turn out you’re both just the way you are.
That’s a useful bit of advice indeed! Thank you
In the same boat, from your word choice “very overwhelming” it would appear you are the female. I’m sorry you feel stressed by his want to appreciate you. People have different love languages and his is more physical. My Wife also is okay with a monthly shag. I’ve openly shared about wanting more snd am open to alternative options to make both parties happy, however, my wife is reluctant and hesitant to explore anything beyond ‘vanilla’ sex. I hope this thread actually gets some attention, cause I need answers too. Im open to share more if people want to know.
Well I had the same problem with my ex (9 years relationship). We patched it the last years by allowing to seek sex out ot the couple. Worked ok for me for that time with a lot of fap. Sex felt like “my thing”, like it was a hobby I had on my own To your problems there might be answers too but I’d advise to seek for the help of a sex therapist and do a couple session to talk over how to bring the fire between the lovers. Most of people change with time, have less thrive in sex because life and the body just put them there. They’re focused on loan, children, everyday’s life or just the loving component in the couple
Today I couldn’t imagine involve in a romantic relation without the kinky/horny side. I’m very open about it coz I believe it’s one of my needs. The last guy I dated, I was very upfront on the subject. After I noticed he was flirting I asked straightforwardly "Man. You’re cute and all but before I can consider even seeing you romantically… How do you feel about sex? "
I appreciate you sharing! Unfortunately I did have this conversation before marriage and she was receptive even more open to another woman, however, she’s since backed off in interest for unknown reasons. So I more or less feel like the “rug has been pulled from under me” like she said that go lock my down and never intended to actually pursue.
Sad. Maybe it’s time to ask what changed? “I had the feeling I knew you on this topic but how do you feel about it today?” could be a relevant question, with mutual respect ofc. You don’t want her to be pressured, neither feel put aside
Actually, I am the male partner, but it’s a kind consideration in your part :)
I’m just trying to look at it from neutral grounds, and understand that as much as her drive is very slow to me, it is equally overwhelming to her, and we shared our concerns on the matter.
Could use one too 😅
