Does anyone else have the experience of being in a relationship where you’re from different countries but you met and started a life in a third? And then you tried to live in either of your home countries but your relationship somehow works better when you’re in a third country?
Or am I alone in this? It’s a very strange existence.
Yes. You’re not alone.
Home countries = hard mode.
Third country = easy mode.
For no reason whatsoever. Can’t explain why. But it is what it is.Yes, and we are still trying to work it out. Not easy.
We stayed in the third country. Kids are born and raised in third country and it’s 12-14 hrs equidistant in opposite directions from our respective home countries and has a different national language so it’s very “fair” 🤣😂
I begged my boyfriend to keep his job in Switzerland, but the lack of accessible childcare made things complicated.
so your kids probably speak English, Japanese and German/French?
Yes we are in the German region so he learns Hochdeutsch and the local Swiss dialect in addition English and Japanese.
Yes (kind of). Met in wife’s country, lived a bit in my country but neither was great. Found a third country that has aspects of both our cultures and been here 17 years now.
I’m finding this to be true. In either of our countries, we just aren’t “in it together” in the same way and it’s too common to have one partner feel pressure to take care of everything (they know the system better) while the other partner feels isolated (because we always hangout with local partners’ local friends…
A third country puts us both on equal footing
It’s tough! Especially when children and elderly parents are involved but it would be as well in either of our home countries. We met in my husband’s home country (Italy), briefly moved to the US (mine) and are now in NL with two kids. Mostly it works but I sometimes long for closer proximity to family.
I think we both feel equally part of this society and left out of it, so that works 😅😅 Our kids both fit in because they are bilingual (approaching trilingual) so that’s good.
How’s the language development going? / what are their strongest languages?
The language development goes as good as the parents are willing to invest. You have to make the decision to actively engage your children in your respective languages and stick to it (with modern technology and media, there’s no excuse anymore). No slacking off just because it’s easier to stick to the local language. The kids may ‘struggle’ a little initially, but that’s just an adjustment period, and they’ll get over it. Kids are far more resilient than we like to admit, it’s the adults who have the biggest challenge sticking to language development.
Right. I was just asking about this poster’s personal experience
100% Met my German wife in U.K. I’m Indian national. I moved to Germany for her. Country didn’t suit me. Relationship is fine. But I struggled plenty. Now we are looking to leave Germany and move somewhere else. U.K was great for us, so not looking for greener pastures.
YES! We have lived in all 3 (his country, my country and a third country) and are currently in the process of moving back to the 3rd country. We’ve been living in my country the past few years and it just doesn’t work, he doesn’t fit in here and I end up feeling like I constantly have to mediate between my husband and the country. I’m very happy and relieved we decided to move again, though there is also a sense of loss and sadness that we couldn’t make it work.
I completely understand where you’re coming from and it is indeed a strange existence. You lose a little part of who you are in order to be with this person. It’s worth it, for me anyway, but it is a sacrifice that people who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand. It’s very affirming to read about other people going through the same!
We met in my home country, moved to a third country, had kids, got fucking sick of the weather and the lifestyle, moved to her country (opposite side of where she’s from though). Now we feel at home and are at peace.
Yes, and we have managed to become citizens in the third country which makes our lives easier.
I was born in Canada while my mom was born in Hong Kong and my dad was born in France. They both immigrated to Canada which is where they met.
Growing up was a bit weird for me. Here a lot of kids had immigrant parents, but I was the only one with parents from different countries with completely different cultures. The biggest issue was both of my parents had to communicate with each other in a language that was foreign to both of them, so expressing feelings during fights was hard. My dad learnt English in his teens while my mom learnt English in her 20s, so I could tell my mom would struggle more.
People always ask me how I don’t know my parents mother tongues if I’m an immigrant child and think I was just too lazy to learn it, but no one understands all I grew up hearing was English because my parents couldn’t speak each others languages. I knew a decent amount when I was younger, but I believe it created jealously between my parents. They didn’t have a healthy relationship so they’d use me to ‘spy and translate’ what they were saying on the phone, and they didn’t like it if I spoke to only one parent in their language because the other parent wouldn’t understand and would think we’re hiding something from them. I believe most couples would make an effort to learn and teach a bit of each other’s languages, but mine never did. My parent’s families all still live back home so that didn’t help either. This makes me very sad, there’s always a barrier even when I talk to my parents even now. I always feel like I could communicate and understand them better if I spoke their languages.
When I got older we visited some of my dad’s family, but I can tell my mom never feels fully welcomed. I can also tell both of my parents long for their home countries badly but know they can’t ever really move back. It makes me sad too but the truth is a 3rd country is the only way both feel equal. To be honest I’m happy I was born and raised in Canada rather than one of my parents countries, I think if I was surrounded by only one of my cultures growing up then I would’ve had a worse identity crisis than I already did being a mixed child. Because of this, I think 3rd countries are the best if you plan on having kids someday.
I mean if the third country is Canada, U.S. or UK. Then yes. But that’s because anglophone countries “allow” you to call yourself by the nationality of the country just by growing up there, while many European countries don’t.
I’m Aussie, wife is Vietnamese and we met working in advertising in Japan. Still here now with no complaints.
This was my husband and I. After meeting, living, and getting married in the third country, he dropped it on me that he wanted to go back home to his country. I was still in my early 20s and feeling down for the adventure, so I agreed.
We moved and I made it work (including doing all the bureaucracy myself, learning his language, and working in my career in his language for a number of years) but I’ll be honest that I had a ton of resentment because I felt sort of bait-and-switched. A lot of our arguments come back to this feeling and the massive workload on my part to make this work, but as it stands I’m currently back in my home country for a spell since I got laid off at my last job and needed to take a good job offered back home.
All that to say…it’s extremely difficult. It’s definitely way different than meeting initially in a country where one of you is from, because at least there isn’t that big shakeup. You also have this sense of comradery in the third county, like an “us against the world” vibe that goes away when you move, and you can end up feeling very alone/isolated.
Just speaking from my own experience, at least. It’s hard for sure.
This was my parents, and eventually they decided the “third country” was the best fit for them.
The “third country” was the US though, which is incredibly diverse and easy for immigrants to integrate, so it seemed best.
Happened to us - but my husband also got tired of his home country after 3 years, so we moved back to our third country and live happily here. So far :) But it wasn’t just relationship works better, everything works better in our third country and we kind of agreed on it eventually.