I’m just a bit heartbroken and could do with some support.
My partner and I met in a country that we both are not from (I’ve been here for most of my life, but it is notoriously difficult to get permanent residency here so I am on a work visa). We’ve been dating for a year and he’s everything I’ve wanted, and more.
We’ve had a couple of difficult conversations over the last few days and have realised that there’s no way to make this relationship work. I want to move to a country that he has no interest in going to, and vice versa.
I don’t know how to deal with the pain of knowing that this was the right person, just the wrong time. On top of that, is this my fate as an expat? Should I only date once I know where I want to “settle down”, so to speak?
That’s the thing, until this point my mindset was that I would go wherever he wants to go, because he mattered more to me than the place I ended up.
But when we talked, he made it clear that he wasn’t at the headspace where he was thinking of our future together. That was a bit of a wake up call for me, and I realised I needed to prioritise my desires instead of casting them aside and having nothing to show for it.
Just want to add my 2c in that I think you’re doing the right thing and should be proud that you have the fortitude to stick to your guns. I know how hard a sacrifice like that can be so I admire and envie your strength.
Thank you for your kind words. They give me the strength to keep going.
I want to add my reassurance: if he’s not in a place to be thinking of your future together, you need to be thinking of your future alone. Kudos for recognizing that – it’s one of the hardest things to make yourself do, especially if the relationship otherwise feels as if it’s going well at the time. But if you’re strong enough to have made this decision, you’re strong enough to get through the painful time that follows.
And when you’ve done that, you’ll be in exactly the place where you actually want to live, without having to compromise on it.
Good luck!
Thank you very much.
Relationships are made of compromises, maybe you bite the bullet this time and he’ll bite the next.
You know him, we don’t, would he do it? It’s your call.
Just to be sure I’d check if he really means it.
It seems like he doesn’t value ur relationship as much as u do. Move on…
I met my current wife in the Netherlands, I was working there and she came with a project. I’m from Romania, she is from Mexico. For 2 years I wasn’t in “the headspace” because I didn’t see it happening from a logistically, birocratic way. During these 2 years she visited me every time she caught a project in Europe and until she took a month of holiday to spend it with me I didn’t believe we had a really good chance for a long term relationship. But when I saw the effort she is making I moved to Mexico for her and we started building a life. We opened several businesses together and we help each other grow and we plan to save some money and buy a house in Europe
Okay so the country discrepancy isn’t the issue- the issue is that it (the relationship) isn’t that deep for him.
Good on you for prioritizing yourself. It might hurt Ike hell now but you’re making room for someone who will want to plan their life around yours. The longer you stay with someone who isn’t going to do that, the longer you delay finding someone who will.
And if you stay, it will still be painful—but it will be long and drawn out and the pain will come in the form of bitterness and resentment.
You’re making the right call. If you leave, he could follow you if he really wanted to. But chances are he won’t and you’ll end up glad you didn’t put your plans on hold for him….