I feel like I struggle with this in all facets, especially as I love fantasy books and it tends to make me feel more down about my real, mundane life, but I feel like I notice the most impact when it comes to relationships.
This isn’t just my current one, but also great relationships I’ve had in the past that ended amicably. I’m in a great relationship now. He’s loving, caring, attentive, romantic, handsome, hard-working, etc etc. But I feel like every time I read a romance novel (especially one written by a woman), it makes me look at all of my relationships in a new light in my head. No one is freaking perfect and lord knows I’m far from it, but a lot of the male love interests I’ve read about in novels are portrayed to perfection with the perfect amount of emotional intelligence that just no real person has.
I don’t know. I love my current relationship and I’m very serious about it, but I don’t love how romance books always ignites this insanely unachievable hopelessly romantic side of me. Do I just have to stop reading completely lol? Is anyone else like this? What can I do?
I completely relate to you and feel the exact same way, except I am not in a relationship and believe that reading so much and being such a hopeless romantic and adventure-loving person has actually prevented me from getting into a relationship because I have such high expectations.
Something that has really helped me so far has actually been to check myself often when dating. Like yea, this man is no Rhysand or Damen/Laurent or Draco from DMATMOOBIL, but it’s not like I’m completely selfless like Feyre or a world-renowned genius/smartest witch of my age like Hermione. I’m also just a normal gal trying my best day to day to show the people around me that I love and care for them. And that’s all I can expect from my SO too! Hope this helps or offers a different perspective than “oh just stop reading lmao” like??
Would you mind sharing some of your favorite book titles?
I think for people who are in stable relationships who get a little bit of FOMO from reading romance novels, the FOMO isn’t really about the love interests being that much better than our partners. My husband isn’t rich and he doesn’t have abs, but he’s otherwise every bit as dreamy as the guys in the books. The little bit of FOMO comes from the fact that romance novels are always centered on the beginning of a relationship, when it’s all butterflies and off-the-charts sexual chemistry and minor conflicts and getting to know someone brand new and the thrill of realizing they want you back. The fact is, if my marriage is successful and I don’t get tragically widowed young, I’ll never experience that “falling in love with someone new” thrill again.
Then I think realistically about the fact that in order to have a hope of ever experiencing those first sparks again, I’d have to be single first. And I do not want to be single again. I like being married to my husband. And never getting to fall in love and sleep with someone new for the first time is a price I’m more than willing to pay for my happy marriage.
This is a beautiful explanation and so spot on. I think you’re completely right.
I think it’s for the same reason that I like getting immersed in a new fantasy book. It’s so exciting and new, and a new relationship in a book with all of the crazy passion and butterflies does the same thing. I have found myself wondering on occasion why I don’t even feel that same spark (in past relationships too), but it’s because I’ve been with my partner for so long that of course we don’t feel that same crazy passion that we did in the beginning, that’s normal.
At the end of the day, I know I’d choose my partner over anyone else every day. He tries so hard and is my best friend, which makes me feel so much more guilty about feeling this way at all. But thank you so much for providing this explanation, it makes total sense.
Yeah, I think understanding brain chemistry helps. We have a certain emotional and sexual response to novelty. The “spark” doesn’t feel the same after, in my case, 13 years together and that’s not a sign that something’s wrong, that’s just our brains functioning the way brains function.
Yes, exactly! Not to mention that romance novels only include a few of the most noteworthy scenes - they are void of the mundane parts of everyday life. The ultimate end goal for these romance novel couples that we don’t get to see is to presume that they end up having what my boyfriend and I do.
At the end of the day it’s all about perspective. I’d say romance novels enhance my relationship and are a healthy way to indulge in that feeling of butterflies while maintaining a healthy relationship.
You explain this well.
I’ve been trying to explain that same thing to a lot of people.
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years already.
The 1 month after getting together was one of the peaks or my life and I didn’t think life would get better. Things eventually settled and we’re happy and comfortable.
Admittedly, I feel the FOMO when I read books and talk to my friends about their love life but I’m pretty satisfied since I get to experience those same butterflies from fanfiction and books haha.
I have the same issue with movies, TV and songs too. You’re not alone.
I’m reading a gay romcom called “Boyfriend Material”.
It hasn’t got me a boyfriend. Or changed anything else. So far only one of the two main characters has appeared, and he has lost his job, for bringing the charity he worked for into disrepute by going on a bender - which gets into the news because his father is a celebrity - thereby losing the charity donors. He’s rather hopeless, and so, thus far, are his friends. He has met his suggested BF once, & is not keen on meeting him again.
I do not know anyone like that, and it would never occur to me to angle for a BF by using a romcom as a “how to” guide. There may be a romcom that doubles as a Wikihow Guide to a Gay Relationship - but I’ve not heard of it.
I wouldn’t call the books I read “romance novels”, but they have romance in them. (Maybe this explains the difference between my perspective on this and your op?)
I see my own relationship in the romantic elements of the story. If anything it makes me feel more positive about my relationship, because it reminds me of the best aspects of my relationship.
Life is ussually very routine, so it’s easy to forget the special moments we’ve had over the years. The romantic moments in novels make me remember things like the time between first meeting her and first dating her or the times that we celebrated anniversaries or the times that we made sacrifices for each other and so on and so forth.
Romance novels are essentially a form of porn, and there are a lot of people that can’t consume porn without it subconsciously impacting their real life ideas and expectations around sex. If you’re one of those people just… stop reading them?
Adults can engage with media without internalizing it.
Romance novels and porn are two sides of the same coin. If you’re having feelings like that then you shouldn’t be doing either, both for the same reason.
I’ve heard once that romance novels are too women what porn is to men.
Porn can give men unrealistic expectations and entitlements to women.
Romance can give women unrealistic expectations and entitlements to men.
I think the only real difference is that men are taught pretty quickly that the behavior is bad. Whereas women aren’t taught at all. On average of course. It’s something to keep in mind. Media can only really affect us if we let it. Makeing a conscious decision to separate fantasy from reality is a good idea.
I like my fictional men traumatized, hot, shitty at communication, and rich. Couldn’t deal with a dude like that in real life.
I like my real life husband goofy, asks for help, and holds down a job. I’d like him to be rich but meh.
Yeah lol not in a relationship currently, but what I like in fiction would be insufferable irl.
I’ve never read a romance novel of any kind with a totally healthy, mutual, equal relationship. There are always issues, even in really positive books. Jealous women, obsessive men, alpha antics, miscommunication, possessiveness; what have you.
I come out of romance books appreciating my real life relationship even more because it’s based on equality of relationship, no one person “protecting” or “possessing” another, no one trying to shove particular roles down anyone’s throat, etc.
I don’t think you need to think of it as being truly dissatisfied with your OWN life, you are wistfully wishing you could stay in the universe of the book you enjoyed, which is a common feeling to feel when you get to the end of a story you like — I think all readers have experienced end-of-book depression (if the book is good!)
I will let myself enjoy wallowing in that feeling for a bit but at some point I have to go to something totally different to snap out of it, like watch a few episodes of a light sitcom I’ve seen a dozen times. Re-enter “my” world. (Though if I’ve gotten into a series reentry may not happen for a good long while…)
If you’re like me and get totally absorbed in the stories you like (and I’m a romance reader too) the end of the story can be a jarring transition…but the absorbing nature of emotionally compelling stories like you find in romance is also the draw. So unless it’s really devastating you to the point where it’s unfun it would be a shame to deny yourself what you like, in my opinion.
The stuff I like in romance novels is, for the most part, WILDLY different from what I like IRL, so it’s really easy for me. Thought I will admit I struggle a bit with determining how much that level of passionate love is realistic vs. how much real relationships are actually more tame and dependable. But that’s okay. I have time to figure that out yet.
All my preferred romance is problematic/toxic as hell so I have a good read and can also enjoy my nice boring love life all the more 🥰 My reading tastes and actual wants in life are thankfully quite different!