I’m just a bit heartbroken and could do with some support.

My partner and I met in a country that we both are not from (I’ve been here for most of my life, but it is notoriously difficult to get permanent residency here so I am on a work visa). We’ve been dating for a year and he’s everything I’ve wanted, and more.

We’ve had a couple of difficult conversations over the last few days and have realised that there’s no way to make this relationship work. I want to move to a country that he has no interest in going to, and vice versa.

I don’t know how to deal with the pain of knowing that this was the right person, just the wrong time. On top of that, is this my fate as an expat? Should I only date once I know where I want to “settle down”, so to speak?

  • tjguitar1985@alien.topBEnglish
    1·
    10 months ago

    No it won’t work because the two of you value some other country over each other. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just means you don’t seem to care about each other enough to make plans together. If it was me, I’d be coming up with a new country together if the relationship was important.

    • pricklyvagina@alien.topOPBEnglish
      1·
      10 months ago

      That’s the thing, until this point my mindset was that I would go wherever he wants to go, because he mattered more to me than the place I ended up.

      But when we talked, he made it clear that he wasn’t at the headspace where he was thinking of our future together. That was a bit of a wake up call for me, and I realised I needed to prioritise my desires instead of casting them aside and having nothing to show for it.

      • xXx_SickSniper69_xXx@alien.topBEnglish
        1·
        10 months ago

        Relationships are made of compromises, maybe you bite the bullet this time and he’ll bite the next.

        You know him, we don’t, would he do it? It’s your call.

      • ccaalluumm9@alien.topBEnglish
        1·
        10 months ago

        Just want to add my 2c in that I think you’re doing the right thing and should be proud that you have the fortitude to stick to your guns. I know how hard a sacrifice like that can be so I admire and envie your strength.

          • VoyagerVII@alien.topBEnglish
            1·
            10 months ago

            I want to add my reassurance: if he’s not in a place to be thinking of your future together, you need to be thinking of your future alone. Kudos for recognizing that – it’s one of the hardest things to make yourself do, especially if the relationship otherwise feels as if it’s going well at the time. But if you’re strong enough to have made this decision, you’re strong enough to get through the painful time that follows.

            And when you’ve done that, you’ll be in exactly the place where you actually want to live, without having to compromise on it.

            Good luck!

      • Ujmlp@alien.topBEnglish
        1·
        10 months ago

        Good on you for prioritizing yourself. It might hurt Ike hell now but you’re making room for someone who will want to plan their life around yours. The longer you stay with someone who isn’t going to do that, the longer you delay finding someone who will.

        And if you stay, it will still be painful—but it will be long and drawn out and the pain will come in the form of bitterness and resentment.

        You’re making the right call. If you leave, he could follow you if he really wanted to. But chances are he won’t and you’ll end up glad you didn’t put your plans on hold for him….

      • Toxigen18@alien.topBEnglish
        1·
        10 months ago

        I met my current wife in the Netherlands, I was working there and she came with a project. I’m from Romania, she is from Mexico. For 2 years I wasn’t in “the headspace” because I didn’t see it happening from a logistically, birocratic way. During these 2 years she visited me every time she caught a project in Europe and until she took a month of holiday to spend it with me I didn’t believe we had a really good chance for a long term relationship. But when I saw the effort she is making I moved to Mexico for her and we started building a life. We opened several businesses together and we help each other grow and we plan to save some money and buy a house in Europe

    • la_mukka@alien.topBEnglish
      1·
      10 months ago

      This is 100% true. I have met my (now) husband while both of us were living and working in a country that wasn’t our own. After this, I have moved to one country and he was transferred to a different one, which has left us in a distant relationship pretty early on - mind you, none of us was looking for a relationship, let alone all the extra work that distance entails. We decided to give it a go, nonetheless, because we were happy with one another, and we spent a few months separated but he managed to transfer to where I was. Shortly after we moved in together, and we kept on moving from one country to the other (in fact, we’re planning to move again). Curiously enough, we’ve lived together in my country and in his and those were the two countries we felt the worst at…lol We always decide our next steps together and we prioritise what is best for both of us because we love and care for eachother, and that is what makes it work. When a country is not good for one of us, it is not good for both of us, and there are hundreds of countries/regions we can continue to explore until we die - remember, nothing is set in stone.

      At the same time, I do believe that it is much better to realise what you just realised, now, than in the long run, after uprooting your life (or both your lives), which would have taken a much heavier toll.